How else was Cindy supposed to survive last week’s dinner in honor of Ramona than to dive deep into her martini? Turns out she got a little loopy, a little depressed perhaps about her decision to do Housewives, and went home and stuffed her face on pistachios. Poor thing cracked her veneers and lucky us she brought them in a little baggie to Vivienne Tam to show Sonja. (And we worried Season 4 would be slow!) “God, they look like baby fake nails,” marveled Sonja. I can’t help but love her, people. That was the extent of interest Sonja could muster up for Cindy’s crisis. She’d already done so much for the woman. She’d gotten her driver boy to bring all her the way downtown on a weekday for God’s sake. She wouldn’t even do that for an actual friend, mind you. And now Cindy was threatening to deny her her veal milanese? “I have a girlfriend who has like half her teeth gone,” said Sonja. “She takes steak, like no problem.” Cut to Bravo frantically trying to cast this woman for Season 5.
Sonja and Cindy were not hitting it off. First the teeth, then an invitation to Quogue of all places, and now Kelly. Sonja can’t help that she is an ice breaker, can she? Or that she loves jelly toast fresh out of the toaster oven? She’d come up with the ridiculous idea of inviting Kelly and her girls over to teach them how to warm up Pop Tarts. In the name of
drama sisterhood, she’d decided to then have Ramona spring out of the pantry and surprise Kelly. What could possibly go wrong? “Ramona’s going to be cool,” she said confidently. “I’ve known Ramona for 20 years.” Uh, I’m not sure she knows Ramona as well as she thinks she does. Well, Cindy looked utterly chagrined by the plan. Kelly hates confrontation, especially in the presence of her kids. Surely there was a better time and place to broker a truce. Oh Cindy, so green, so naive. “People do not come to my house and get crazy,” insisted Sonja, bored by Cindy’s hand-wringing. “Or they get thrown out!” Sonja, do you hear the audience turning on you? Save yourself lest you become the Jill of Season 4.
But all was forgiven in my book when Sonja showed up in her jacket and britches ready to ride like the wind. Kelly, who was in a good mood because she was in the Hamptons where the sunsets are pink and the Ramonas are caged, had her noble steed ready. Yee haw! hollered Sonja. Shorten your reins! barked Kelly. Sonja got a little overexcited and clucked one too many times at her horse and just like that there was a great whuff sound in the woman’s mic and she bounce-splatted off her horse and onto the ground below. “She literally dropped like a rag doll, it was bad, it was really bad,” said Kelly, who had the same disconcertingly amused look on her face as my husband when I called him in from the other room to watch the replay. But you can’t keep a girl from Saratoga down. “Woo-wee,” said Sonja, in her best imitation of Toy Story‘s Jessie, as bounced back to her feet. “I sort of felt at one point on the horse like one of those little labrador pups who slides across the kitchen floor and smashes their face into the cabinet,” she said. Nailed it!
NEXT: Cindy realizes that she’s made a terrible mistake, wants off Scary Island.