This week, the contestants had to design for those terrifying beasts we all know and love: REAL WOMEN. Aggggghhhh!
Well, some of ’em were excited to work with men on designing looks for their significant others. But Olivier, upon learning that his client’s breasts were a mysterious term called “DD” (short for…Deadly Daggers? Dumb Doughnuts? Don’t you Dare?), completely shut down. “I don’t like women having boobs,” he declared. Oh yeah? Well, I don’t like reality TV contestants constantly tweaking their indeterminate accents in their baby voices. And yet there you are!
Here’s another gem from Olivier, back when the designers thought they’d be creating menswear for some of the schlubbier guys up on the runway with Heidi and her boobs: “In the end, we were only left with fat people,” he whined. “And fat is fine, but not when I’m making clothes.”
Olivier did not approve of any sort of blubbery tissue hanging disgustingly from the defective frames of grotesque human carriers. And get this: He had never worked with a client! (They’re usually human, after all.) “I have a big ego in design,” he admitted. “I want people to wear what I design.” Makes sense. But back to the boobs. “Those boobs, to me, are trouble,” he said before even meeting his client Suzanne, as if narrating the prologue to a particularly salacious caper.
Boobs were everywhere! Bert’s client, who dubbed himself “The Boobie Monster,” resented that his wife, Ariana, had to cover up her assets with any clothes at all. If it were up to him, she’d just be wearing a leaf. The Boobie Monster recalled the onset of their beautiful love story: “That’s how I fell in love with her — her boobs were hanging out. I’m like, she’s hot,” he remembered fondly. “Sometimes I motorboat ’em.”
Why can’t I ever meet awesome men like this? All the good ones are unavailable.
It occurred to me that I’d probably watch an entire spin-off series starring only the Boobie Monster and Olivier — trapped in a giant, hollowed-out boob and trying to swim their way out of a bottomless pool of smaller boobs à la a multicolored ball pit at an amusement park.
Those boobs, to him, were trouble, Olivier’s gravestone would read after episode 1.
NEXT: Another look at the best and worst designs