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Pretty Little Liars recap: March of Crimes

Sydney’s connection to Jenna is revealed, and Ella learns the truth about Zack.

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Pretty Little Liars 01
Ron Tom/ABC Family

Pretty Little Liars

TV Show
run date:
Ashley Benson, Troian Bellisario, Lucy Hale, Shay Mitchell
Current Status:
In Season

Oddly enough, “angry” is a good tone for Pretty Little Liars. After years of secrets, attacks, and countless black hoodies, it just feels right that people are starting to break and cry and scream and make Noel Kahn bleed. The only strange thing right now is that Ali seems to be the least angry, and perhaps that’s why her storyline falls flat week after week. With all of the other Liars getting to the bottom of things and leaning on one another, Ali spends most of her time lying to people and looking scared. Of all the people screaming at Sydney or Jenna, shouldn’t she be first in line? Now that would be something worth watching.

This week, we pick up literally right where we left off, with Spencer and Emily questioning Ali about her decision to essentially hire Noel to break into the Marin household and scare Ashley. Of course, Ali finds a way to turn the conversation around and accuse the girls of not being there for her, but what else did we expect? Alison DiLaurentis is all about Alison DiLaurentis. And Hanna? She’s all about her doorknob not smelling like Alison DiLaurentis.

From Hanna’s house, Emily goes for a bike ride, where she catches Noel sitting in his car with the windows down, blasting a recording like it’s the hot new song of the summer. But no, he’s not listening to “Bang Bang.” Instead, he’s listening to a conversation between Ali and Shana on what might be the world’s loudest recorder. Ali’s saying something about how she can’t take any more chances because it’s too dangerous, but that’s all we hear before Noel senses someone watching and drives away. But assistant coach Emily Fields is on the case!

After she accepts the assistant coaching job from Tom, the B-613 agent who killed the President’s son—sorry, wrong show!—Emily breaks into Noel’s swim locker to get his car keys. In his glove box, she finds the recording along with a bunch of pictures of Ali from those two years she was “kidnapped.” More on that in a moment.

First, we need to catch up with drunkard Hanna, who is rocking what might be the greatest school-themed jean jacket ever. But even a super cool jean jacket can’t hide her alcoholism when she pulls a Marissa Cooper and her flask falls out of her school bag in front of her mom. And as one would expect, Mama Marin has a few things to say about it. Apparently Ashley has decided that one almost-run-in with “A” means she “gets” what the girls have been going through for all these years. Sorry, Ashley, but until you almost get sawed in half or thrown off a moving train in a box with a dead body, you don’t get an opinion. And Hanna seems to agree considering she runs straight to Caleb and drinks some more.

Speaking of drinking, Spencer has had enough of Hanna’s. She heads to Toby’s cabin to confront Caleb, where she nearly slips up and tells him about Zack, you know, groping his girlfriend. She doesn’t spill the beans, but she says enough to alert Caleb to the fact that he should bring it up with Hanna, and he does. When she finally tells him, Caleb offers to get her some Maggiano’s—so can I date Caleb?—and runs to Zack and Ella’s engagement party instead. There, the 90-pound Caleb punches Zack in the jaw, but only after Zack reveals a note Hanna had written him apologizing for being shy and saying she’d make it up to him. Of course Hanna didn’t write it, but now we know that “A” was involved. So who’s going to tell Aria?

Well, no one yet. Before the Montgomery women can get ready for the engagement party that doesn’t end up happening, Aria has to answer some more questions from Detective Tanner, who wants to know all about Ezra’s “intimate” relationships with students. But as soon as she asks about Fitz having any sort of relationship with Shana, Aria is done with the conversation. She sets Tanner straight before texting Ezra and warning him to stay out of town.

Ella, in full mother-mode, talks to Aria about having blind spots when it comes to love, but little does she know that Aria’s not the only Montgomery to have a pedophile-size blind spot. Sorry, that was a low blow to Ezra, and I love Ezra. But technically, was it wrong? Not really. And it turns out that Ella’s blind spot isn’t all that big. When Aria mentions having doubts about Zack, Ella immediately asks if he hit on her. And what kind of mom jumps to that conclusion right off the bat? The kind who has already caught her fiance cheating before. (But with a teenager??)

NEXT: Two Jennas?