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The premiere of ''Survivor: China'': Early favorites

After watching the premiere of ”Survivor: China,” we try to scope out the potential winners, comic relief, and eye candy among the 15 remaining cast members (miss you already, Chicken!)

Posted on

Monty Brinton

Survivor: China

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season

The premiere of ”Survivor: China”: Early favorites

It’s been a long week. Not a bad week, but a long one. Long hours at work, long hours at night with kids who insist on waking up at random intervals just often enough that you are unable to ever fall into a decent slumber, and a long night of Wednesday television watching involving solid gold stars and minors pouring colored oil in the middle of a desert.

What could bring me back from the brink? Why, the start of another season of Survivor, of course! And one without the word ”Fiji” in the title. Will the show be able to continue its tradition of always following a bad season (Africa, Thailand, Vanuatu, Guatemala) with a good one? Too early to say. But what do we know about Survivor:China so far? We know the following:

· Survivor must have a hell of a panda wrangler. Are we supposed to believe pandas are just running around willy-nilly chomping on bamboo all over the place?

· The mullet lives! I don’t know if Denise the lunch lady stepped out of a time machine from 1988 or what, but she has the most spectacular hairstyle I’ve seen since old-school Michael Bolton.

· Survivor is always good for providing some quotes that simply make no sense whatsoever. The gem from episode 1 comes from Leslie the Christian radio host: ”I’m not a religious person, but I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, and the only time I’m gonna put my face on the floor is for him.” Hmmmm, isn’t that kinda like me saying, ”I’m not really a beer drinker, but I sometimes have been known to hook an IV full of Milwaukee’s Best up to my vein”? Leslie, what the hell — can I say hell? — does that mean? If you ”have a relationship with Jesus Christ,” then I’m pretty sure that makes you a religious person. Oh, and being a Christian radio host? Yeah, I’m pretty sure that makes you a religious person as well — unless you are some weird sort of counterprogramming put on the air to ignite controversy and boost ratings

· Jaime didn’t bring a bra. I’m starting to like Jaime.

· Sarah from Marquesas, Erin from Thailand, Heidi from the Amazon, and Ashlee from Palau all must take a backseat to the new Survivor Silicone Queen — Ashley the professional wrestler. I actually thought for a second the circus had come to town with those clown boobs of hers. Still, outside of some good ol’ fashioned dry heaving, she hasn’t added that much to the show — yet.

· I really like the direction Jeff Probst is going this season with the hat. After going with the baseball-cap look and then living through the disastrous headgear experiment of Guatemala, he’s finally settled on a nice hipster cowboy-hat look.

· Not to get too sappy, but one of the nice things about Survivor is watching people from different walks of life who would probably never interact in the real world form a bond. Who would have guessed that unreligious Caucasian Christian radio host Leslie and hulking, socially awkward African-American gravedigger James would bond so early? I got too sappy, didn’t I? Sorry about that.

NEXT: Dalton predicts who will win.

· ”Ghgoijqwefijhoin feojnfceiuediuncepo kekdjnoiecnoim cnoeidcoimcoiem coiemcbcicb.” Now, I’m not 100 percent positive, but I’m pretty sure that’s what Chicken was saying back at the Zhan Hu tribe. At least that’s what it sounded like and what I wrote down. Even though I couldn’t understand a single word this guy said, I’m actually sorry to see him go. He certainly seemed more interesting than the bossy Peih-Gee, and maybe even the Survivor Silicone Queen. When he yelled, ”Damn!” upon learning he had been voted out (okay, that was the one word I did understand), watching Survivor Silicone Queen and Sherea (and yes, I had to look her name up seeing as how she did nothing in the entire episode except perform a little booty shaking) jump in shock was pretty priceless. I would love to interview Chicken this Friday on Survivor: Live (even though a translator would have to be present), but it won’t be happening. Why? Because Survivor: Live is now officially dead. That’s right, the plug has been pulled — at least for this season. I guess the folks at CBS.com realized no one wanted to look at my mug for an hour (even if the screen was prettied up considerably by Ms. Morasca). In any event, it was a blast while it lasted.

Before I go, I suppose I have to make my episode 1 prediction for a winner. See, this used to not be such a big deal, because I was always so ridiculously off base. But then for Cook Islands I called out Yul before the game even began. And then last season I picked Earl from the get-go. Luck? Most likely. But still, a streak is a streak, so now the pressure is on. I could go with former model Dave, who seems like Richard Hatch 2.0, but he may be too abrasive to make it to the very end. Poker player Jean-Robert fancies himself a master manipulator, but I’m not sold on his social skills. Which leaves me with Todd, the gay Mormon flight attendant. He seems like a sneaky bastard. My hesitation is if he is going to be able to step back and blend in, but for now, he’s my choice to take home the million bucks. Don’t screw me, Todd!

What are your first impressions of Survivor: China? And who’s your early pick to take home the loot? Post below and let us know!