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''Pirate Master'': Messed up

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Monty Brinton/CBS

Pirate Master

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:
05/31/07-07/17/07
broadcaster:
CBS
genre:
Reality TV

”Pirate Master”: Messed up

Let’s just say it and get it over with: Sean is gone. As I watched him float away on the raft of shame, I realized how hard I’d been rooting for him to become Pirate Master. Which, okay, technically isn’t all that hard, considering I never think about Pirate Master unless I’m physically writing this TV Watch. But still, I’ll miss him next week, and the only reasons I’ll tune in (ignoring the fact that I have to) are: to see whether Azmyth, now once again captain, brings back his fake accent; to watch Joy try to make it through an expedition without Sean to lean on; to find out who will prepare the meals now that Sean, the cook, has gone bye-bye; and to pray that someone does me a solid and kicks Jay square in the nuts.

Here’s the recap for those of you who used the 8 p.m. hour as sleepy time: At the start of the episode, we were quickly reminded how much we dislike the ship flirt, Nessa. (I’m assuming I’m fine using the we there.) After she tried to get comfy with Ben, Nessa and her nemesis Sean had a heart-to-heart during which he called her out for using back massages to make alliances with the men on board. (That people are generally forthcoming with their hatred of each other is the one nice thing about this show. That we didn’t get to see said back rubs is just one of the many things that are wrong with it.) We then cut to Christa, who told us she has a six-year-old daughter at home that she wants to win the money for — and yet, the thing I really took note of was Christa’s boobs. Must they be on display every week? The teams then divided up for the expedition, and off to the longboats they went. The black crew was then-captain Louie, Sean, Nessa, Joe Don, Christa, and Joy; the red crew was Azmyth, Jupiter, Laurel, Kendra, Ben, and Jay. They rowed. They hiked. Nessa got caught in a booby trap and fell face first in the dirt, which made Sean laugh. (Question: Where was the sabotage this week?) Things were momentarily exciting when Louie got the black team’s spyglass telescope wet and rendered it useless. But then Christa wisely pointed out that if they’re supposed to be using the instrument to see something on another island, it must be on the only other island that they can see so perhaps they should just get back in the boat and row. Just when you thought she was worth having around, Christa dug a deep hole looking for the treasure on that island, then gave up and left it. Jay walked over to where she’d been, bent down, and pulled out the treasure (worth 40 grand this week). The red team re-elected Azmyth the Picton Castle‘s captain, and he selected Jay and Ben as his officers.

The calculating on the ship began immediately. Nessa overheard Sean and Jupiter talking about how much they wanted to send her packing, which made her want the Royal Pardon that J.D. had to sell to the highest bidder. She went to him, and since he has the hots for her, he gave her $2,500 to put toward her bid. Meanwhile, Jay tried to suck up to Laurel, the only person he feels he doesn’t control on the ship. And I enjoyed hearing someone diss him. When it came time for Azmyth and his officers to nominate the three pirates who would receive the black spot and face elimination, Azmyth decided not to nominate Nessa since he felt confident that she’d be winning the pardon. (Also, the three musketeers realized that keeping her around means the women would not unite against them since Nessa and Jupiter can’t stand each other.) So Jay talked the captain into putting rival Sean on the block, as well as neutral Laurel. (Louie had already secured his spot when he told the crew last week that every dethroned captain should face judgment at pirate court.) Sean somehow had no idea he would be getting a black spot (Hello! Jay hates you!). Oh, and we got more shots of Christa’s boobs.

The tension at pirate court this week was actually pretty decent: When Azmyth said he black-spotted Laurel because she hadn’t picked a side, she made him explain exactly what he meant by sides. (I’m presuming she was playing dumb when she claimed that she didn’t know there were sides on the boat.) Rather than just acknowledge the division in his crew, Azmyth tried to backstep and he came off like an idiot. You’d think when he heard himself say that he doesn’t care about sides, he’d realize that Jay had manipulated him into picking her, but no. Sean’s ”I wanna bleed with you…I wanna get back in the kitchen and cook you a great dinner” defense was unsuccessful, and he got the most votes. Nessa won the pardon with a bid of $9,000, so poor, screwed Sean was cut adrift. (Cut to Jay smirking and me writing, ”You’re an a–. I hope you starve” in my notes.)

The teaser for next week’s episode showed Nessa and J.D. kissing. Ooh. That’s something we haven’t seen before on a reality show! One thing that did seem intriguing: It appears the women finally realize that Azmyth, Jay, and Ben are a boys’ club. I wonder how Azmyth will react when he finds out he’s not the ideal captain…

What do you think? Will the women team together to take down the men? Could Laurel actually become a serious player in this competition because she’s not playing the game? Will Kendra ever get a storyline? Post your comments below.