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''Pirate Master'': A change at the top

”Pirate Master” becomes entertaining again after Azmyth leads his team to victory, is elected captain, and suddenly starts talking British

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Monty Brinton/CBS

Pirate Master

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:
Reality TV

”Pirate Master”: A change at the top

I wish this show would stop making me correct myself. First week: I dug it. Second week: I said no footage existed that could entertain me. This week: I howled. Damn you, Azmyth!

Because I know that some of you readers like to use Pirate Master as nap time, I’ll set this up for you: Azmyth helped the red crew defeat Captain Cocky (J.D.) in the expedition and was unanimously voted the new captain of the Picton Castle. He then immediately adopted a British accent. Seriously, one moment he was ”normal,” and the next he was Madonna. I loved it. His new officers, Jay and Jupiter? Not so much. Perhaps their appreciation of said accent was lessened by the fact that Azmyth used it to tell them they would be splitting the recovered treasure evenly among the winning crew. (As the Brits would say, bollocks!)

Azmyth saved the show in other ways worth noting: He used the analogy ”We have a bunch of floaters, and we have to flush the toilet” while debating which pirates to black-mark for elimination. (Jay and Jupiter did appreciate that.) He also broke the tie vote at pirates’ court by choosing to cut fashion publicist Alexis adrift instead of district attorney Cheryl. (Cheryl’s delivering her defense while seated was the perfect call, was it not? You know it was the first time Louie wasn’t intimidated by her calm, strong female presence.)

Sean the bartender also stepped up this episode by once again proving himself more than a pretty face. During the expedition (another row-hike-and-get-wet one), he minimized the damage the red crew did to his ill-fated black crew with their sabotage. This week, it was a clusterf— of falling bamboo beams that looked like they could do some damage but didn’t because Sean held them up. I was particularly disappointed because Alexis would’ve been the one scarred. Hey, if she’s not going to have enough energy to row a boat or give me good one-liners, I owe her nothing. Sean also took a $1,000 bribe from Jay, who wanted to sway his vote at pirates’ court from Alexis to Cheryl, and then voted for Alexis anyway to force the tie. That’s pretty darn piratey. (Azmyth’s third black mark went to Laurel, should you care. I do not. Her I’ve lived in my van for a year and a half backstory didn’t hook me, Burnett.)

Also failing to reel me in: Jay. He plays the game, which made me think I’d enjoy him, but I’m bored hearing him talk about the money all the time. I hate to admit it, but I don’t want to be constantly reminded that his main goal isn’t to entertain me; it’s to win himself as much of the $1 million booty as possible. Jay thought he was so smart persuading Azmyth to black-mark Cheryl instead of J.D. — who, you recall, bribed Jay to be his eyes and ears — but I think he underestimated J.D.’s loyalty to Cheryl. Now that J.D. knows Jay pushed to cut her (and doesn’t have his captain’s hat or rum stash to amuse himself with), I believe J.D. will pass some time screwing with him. This just in: I might get to like sober J.D. His confirming to the crew that Cheryl had separated herself from them on his orders was a small step toward redemption.

So what do you think? Which is the battle to watch: Jay vs. Sean, Jay vs. J.D., or J.D. vs. Louie? Did Alexis earn the respect on the ship she claims she did, or is that as far-fetched as her ”I may not do anything, but at least you know what to expect from me” defense? And did that shot of Jupiter using the rigging as a hammock finally make you envious of these modern-day pirates?