“Trust No Bitch” left me with a stupidly large grin on my face. Not just because it brought the already strong season to a satisfying conclusion, but because it delivered — as far as I can recall — one of the series’ happiest moments.
But first, let’s rewind to the beginning of the episode, which is almost shockingly dark in comparison to the final moments. Boo and Pennsatucky are worried about what happened with Coates. Poussey is freaking out after having found Soso seemingly dead in the library. And movie night’s showing is No Reservations. The poor conditions at Litchfield only continue to shock at every turn.
Thankfully, things aren’t as bad as they seem. Boo and Pennsatucky don’t get into trouble, but Coates is still free to walk around. With Pennsatucky still stuck on van duty, they need to figure out a way of separating Coates from Doggett. Luckily, Boo teaches Pennsatucky how to fake a seizure, which she does during a van ride that sends her and Coates careening into a divider.
They both survive, but Pennsatucky is deemed unfit for driving duty. Unfortunately, there must be an inmate on van duty, and Maritza replaces Pennsatucky as the new driver. Will Boo and Doggett try to save her, or are they washing their hands of Coates completely? That is an answer, sadly, for another day.
We do get an answer to the last episode’s cliffhanger, however. Soso isn’t dead — she’s just been knocked out by the number of pills she took. Taystee, Poussey, and Suzanne force her to throw up, but rather than cure her by way of Pulp Fiction, like Suzanne suggests, they keep her awake to make sure she doesn’t pass out. She eventually regains her strength, but her pain remains. In her next meeting with Healy, a dead-eyed Soso tells him how bad he is at this job, which lands like a gut punch.
Healy’s life at home is a mess, too. He can’t connect with his wife (his problems extend much further beyond her not bringing him leftovers from Olive Garden, but he’s sick of her behavior by now). He spends his entire day around women who are locked up, he tells her. He doesn’t need to come home to that, too. So he promises to help pay for an apartment for her and her mother.
The Litchfield counselor is ready to move on, partially thanks to his continued crush on Red. Ever since they bonded at the beginning of the season, he hasn’t been able to get Red out of his mind. He wants to make things work, and they both acknowledge they have a special relationship. Their ships, however, passed too late in the night for it to be more, Red explains. But I’d be surprised if Healy simply gave up this ghost.
There is at least one romance that works out during “Trust No Bitch”: Morello proposes to Vince Muccio, who promises their love is like Pauly D. and JWoww circa 2010. So she proposes, and he accepts. The two have a ceremony shortly after, which, include Morello’s vows made up of lyrics from Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is.” (Good thing Foreigner is Vince’s favorite band.) CO Bell, however, likely could have done without having to supervise the newlywed couple consummating the marriage up against the vending machines.
Piper’s new relationship with Stella, meanwhile, doesn’t quite reach those exuberant highs. After Stella revealed she’ll be released from Litchfield shortly, the two share one seemingly final intimate moment when Stella decides to give Piper a tattoo. Using a makeshift needle (that can NOT be safe), Stella stops Piper from going for anything too cliché and writes the words “Trust No Bitch” on her skin.
And it’s appropriate for Piper, who has gone full Godfather and turned nearly her full attention to the panty-selling business. She’s allowed, against Alex’s advisement, Marisol to return to work, but things go south when Piper receives news from her brother. In addition to learning that he and his wife have been creating their own makeshift prisoner-scented panties (without the prisoners), she also discovers that all the money in her account has gone missing.
She assumes Marisol robbed her blind, having supposedly seen Piper use her burner phone in the library. Piper confronts Marisol in the chapel, but Gloria comes to her defense, leaving Piper with only two other possible suspects: Alex and Stella.
So she confronts Stella, and her new partner in love and crime confesses. Being released soon with only $20 to her name, she felt it was her only option. Stella seems sincerely sorry (or at the very least, sorry she was caught), and promises to make it up to Piper. Piper seems to take the news surprisingly well, but her lack of immediate punishment makes some of the inmates view Piper as a soft, easily played leader.
But they would be wrong about that.
NEXT: Piper exacts her revenge and Cindy finds her faith.