And it came to pass, all that seemed wrong was now right, and those who deserved to were certain to live a long and happy life.
Or, you know, not.
Around 8:55 p.m. tonight, it seemed that every conflict at the center of season 3B had finally been resolved. Zelena was roundly defeated — not by a bucket of water, but by The Force/Old Magic/The Power of Luuuuv. Regina had completed her journey from villain to anti-hero to full-blown heroine, gaining a strapping new soulmate in the process. Rumpel had regained control of his dagger and formally proposed to Belle. (He’s a powerful, enigmatic, once-married longtime bachelor finally re-committing after a lengthy stretch of solitude; just think of Rump as the Enchanted Forest’s answer to George Clooney.) And to top it all off, Snow and Charming’s royal bundle of joy had finally been born, kidnapped, and returned to his loving parents — all before the couple even had a chance to give the baby a name. (Who wants to bet they’ll go with “Baelfire”?)
And that, of course, is when Rumpel threw a wrench into the works of this particular happy ending. Actually, make that a dagger.
As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back to the Merry Old Land of Oz, where a jealous Zelena’s daily sit-and-sulk is interrupted by Glinda. The two haven’t met before; quick as a lighter, Zelena conjures a fireball to take out the blonde. Ah, but the Good Witch of the South has come to praise Zelena, not to bury her. See, Z actually did a good thing by transforming Wonderful Wizard Christopher Gorham into a monkey — and in return, Glinda’s hoping to welcome the new arrival into her coven. There’s an open seat there; things just haven’t been the same since Shannen Doherty left Oz.
Zelena easily falls in with Glinda’s unnamed pals from the North and East, each of whom represents a different element of harmony. Wisdom (a.k.a. the brain), love (a.k.a. the heart), and courage (a.k.a. the… courage) are all spoken for; Z, as the representative from the West, will be in charge of kicky hats. Kidding! Actually, her role in the quartet is to epitomize innocence — or, in this case, innocence regained. If this were a musical revue, now would the the perfect time for Rebecca Mader to bust out a show-stopping rendition of “I Am Changing.”
Alas, there are no tunes to be had on tonight’s Once — even though what happens next might as well have been scored by the guys who wrote “Over the Rainbow.”
NEXT: Is she a good witch or a bad witch?