Ah, the three most beautiful words in the English language: “She’s not pregnant.” (Suck it, “cellar door!”) So eloquent! So concise! So easy for a parent to explain to his or her child during family TV hour! With that romantic declaration, Mary Margaret and David’s thwarted courtship is officially back on. Too bad they didn’t have the sense to get a room at Granny’s instead of kissing in broad daylight, where any one of Storybrooke’s other eight inhabitants could see them. But I digress.
Let’s back up to the beginning of the episode, in which Henry and that motorcycle-riding stranger have an incredibly frustrating nonversation. (“What are you doing here?” “Just visiting.” “What’s that?” “A box.” “What’s inside it?” “Just something I need.” Augghh!) We still don’t know Stranger’s name; because he fancies himself a rebel and also gets on my nerves, I’m going to go ahead and call him Holden. As they chat, Regina frowns in the distance and the wind whips around ominously.
At the Apartment of Secret Familial Relationships, Mary Margaret whizzes past Emma, spitting her toothpaste in the kitchen sink (without even rinsing — ew) and claiming that she’s rushing to get to the school science fair. But in reality, MM’s dashing to Granny’s so that she can see David — just as she apparently does every morning at 7:15. Poor MM; that’s both sweet and very, very sad. When Emma catches her mom-roommate in medias stalk, Mary Margaret claims she’s not really a creeper. She just knows David’s schedule by heart and shows up where he’s going to be. It’s not a big deal, guys! Stop looking at her like that!
Mary Margaret’s fairy-tale counterpart is also in a bad place. Just as Snow is about to spear a juicy-looking turkey, Little Red Riding Hood shows up to deliver some awful news: Prince James is going to marry Abigail in just two days. (It must be said that Red is also wearing more clothing than we’ve seen on Meghan Ory all season, and she looks absolutely gorgeous.) Snow’s distraught; she retreated into the woods to try and forget about James, but her seclusion just means now she thinks about him all the time. If only there were some way to banish these feelings, preferably via consulting an unholy imp with poor dental hygiene.
Cut to Snow rowing a boat on a mysterious misty lake. Red has tipped her off — the guy who can help her? Rumpelstiltskin, of course. The more I see of Rumpel, the more I appreciate Mr. Gold. Seriously, what’s up with those goaty noises he keeps making in this scene? In any case, Rumpel has the cure Snow seeks: a vial of freshly made potion that will make her completely forget the man she loves. The Dark One must also moonlight as an employee of Lacuna, Inc. All he asks for in return is a piece of Snow’s black-as-night hair. Uh oh, is Rumpel planning to make some Polyjuice Potion?
NEXT: Regina tells someone else not to meddle, and we all roll our eyes.