This week’s cold-open apocalist item comes from Xavier’s list: Zorbing with Evie. Only, while Xavier’s rolling across the grass in a huge transparent globe, Evie is not present. That’s because she’s now doing two jobs down at the Cybermart and hasn’t been home or (more shockingly) completed a single item on her list in three days! Xavier wants her to quit and come and enjoy life with him, but she explains she has responsibilities — something he wouldn’t understand being unemployed. So, to prove he does understand (and because he’s broke) Xavier gets a job…at Cybermart.
Here’s his master plan: He’s going to improve productivity at the warehouse thereby lessening Evie’s workload so she can come home occasionally. Plus, there’s the added bonus of getting to spend all day together. They make out in the storage aisle to celebrate until Deirdre catches them and demands they attend a mandatory dating seminar with her and Hank to ensure their love is Cybermart official. The meeting consists of a two-minute video featuring cartoon dogs and a voice-over explaining that playing where you do your business makes things messy. Oh, just you wait, kids.
Anyway, back to work. Xavier, being Xavier, is making friends fast in his new role, but also Xavier, being Xavier, is already bored of loading trucks. To remedy the monotony of the workday he makes a “nap sack” (essentially a small hammock) out of some excess material he found and encourages his coworkers to take naps in an effort to be more rested and therefore more productive. Evie feels like if they actually did work they might be more productive. She’s smart that one. But, Xavier’s not one for hard work. It’s the longest day of his life and he feels like his soul is dying, that is until he makes a game out of wrapping boxes in cellophane and competing with the others to see who can finish first. They also happen to finish packaging the boxes faster than they’ve ever done it before. It’s not long before Xavier has them doing yoga and rollerblading about the warehouse, all in the name of increased productivity. Deirdre is mad and tells Evie to fire him.
Evie tries to explain to Xavier they can’t just be doing yoga in the middle of the workday, but Xavier points out they’ve already met their quotas for the day so they’ve earned this downtime. Evie then makes the mistake of relaying this information to Deirdre, who decides not to fire Xavier after all, but also decides to double the warehouse workers’ workload. When Evie announces this to the staff it leads to a minor riot (someone throws polystyrene foam at Evie) until Xavier steps in and suggests a strike.
It’s a revolution and the revolution will be televised thanks to Sweet Tea and a new journalism gig he’s chasing — he needs a big story to secure the job and thinks he’s found one in the Cybermart strike. Xavier’s busy campaigning for better rights for the factory workers (including Hank’s suggestion of a “I’m just not feeling it today” day where you just stay at home guilt free — it’s like a sick day, but with honesty) and staging a sit down labor protest when Deirdre swoops in and tells them if they don’t get back to work in 15 seconds they’re all fired. The employees scramble to their feet, but Xavier says that that’s illegal and they sit back down. The war has just begun.
Soon a picket line is up, and Evie can’t cross it. She wants to negotiate, but Xavier tells her she has to pick a side. Hank’s worried about picking sides too, while Deirdre is only interested in seducing him into stopping the protest. She bribes him with extra sick days and wants him to spy, but Hank’s enjoying the company of his fellow employees too much and opts to stand with them.
NEXT: It’s war… with tribal dancing