Admittedly, this was not the greatest New Girl episode ever. But there were so many great things about it: David Wain took the helm (and peed himself while doing it)! Nick got some! And relatedly, Cerie from 30 Rock guest starred! Fat Schmidt returned (and did chubby foreplay to the tune of “Let’s Get It Started”)! Zooey looked really weird without bangs! We got a second glimpse of the zero-gravity tea room o’ seduction! Diane Keaton featured prominently! Up was down! Up was the new down, man! Apropos of those last few bits, this really was Winston’s episode. Sure, Jess was hilariously brat-tastic upon discovering Cece and Schmidt’s DL relationship, and sure Nick actually got some (it bears repeating), but Winston’s third-act rant was epic. Epic. It took a lot of build-up — like, 18 episodes worth.
Or just a few days, maybe? Since Cece and Schmidt were still having the secret sex, Winston was still freaking out. As for Jess, the secrecy impacted her because Cece kept bailing on her during their 10k charity run training sessions. Jess hoped the element of surprise might force Cece to pony up, so she made an early-morning model house visit. Cece got Jess to leave by enlisting her roommate to feign remorse at eating a single cookie. All the while, Schmidt was hiding in Cece’s sofa cushions to avoid detection (“Good thing I’m a quiet breather! I learned that as a kid playing ‘Who passed out’ with my mom. My mom always won!”). After Jess was gone, Cece’s indelicate Russian roommate yelled, “Jew in the couch! Jew person in the couch!” Schmidt: “She’s not wrong.”
It wouldn’t be long until it came out though. Winston could go only a few days before cracking and blabbering to Nick that he had a secret. Nick literally went in hand-to-face combat with Winston to avoid learning anything confidential, but Winston couldn’t handle the pressure. Nick’s face at finding out the horrific truth was a-mah-zing. It was like he had been simultaneously stabbed in the heart and overtaken by a violent bout of diarrhea. He actually wrapped his arms around himself like a child in the fetal position. He staggered to one side, and his face went lax for a second, then a Lucille Ball-esque expression of “Ewwwwwwww” contorted the sides of his mouth. Even after I just spent scores of words covering roughly 10 seconds of silent reaction, I’m still sure I didn’t address all the nuances and tics.
From there, the big reveal happened in rapid fire. Nick developed a vast pool of back sweat and acted so bizarre (even for Nick) when Jess returned home, that she forced him to turn around and show himself. She confronted him — in French: “J’accuse, Miller! J’accuse.” He sputtered the truth just as Schmidt arrived. Schmidt probably would have been upset about it all if he weren’t so self-satisfied: “Can we just take a moment to celebrate me? Schmidty really did it this time. I mean, I’m having Indian every night!” At which point Jess rushed him into the hall, screaming like a maniac.
Obviously, she was feeling betrayed, not least of which because Schmidt and Cece had had sex in her room (“just the once”). But also because Winston held out on her for days. She called Nick weak, but he announced to the group, “For what it’s worth, I think what I did was really brave.” Schmidt, of course, took this opportunity to feign trauma and lean on Cece’s chest for comfort. To be continued…
NEXT: Douchebag 101