First off, Martin Starr!!! To be fair, his character Dirk was a little underwhelming, no? But could he help it when Nick continuously called him “The smartest guy I know.” Who can live up to those standards? I am still working out in my head how these two ever managed to live together without imploding. How does that much wry cynicism fit into one room for more than a few days? Overall, I’m not so sure Martin Starr was a great fit for this show, but I still love him. Bill Haverchuck 4eva. What else did I love? Winston singing Wicked! I may be rewinding that one for days to come.
The episode began the morning after Jess went on an incredibly awkward first date (is there any other kind?) with Russell, a.k.a. Fancyman. It wasn’t that kind of morning after, particularly when she complained, “Guys my age always want to go straight for the gold,” and then quickly backpedaled, “which I haven’t given them! I’m stingy with my gold… unless they dig for it.” I think I have whiplash from that inept dating stream-of-consciousness. What’s worst, that moment wasn’t even the awkward part! No sirree, that was when Russell stepped in reeeeeeeeeally close in what could have been the sexiest pre-kiss ever… and then gave Jess a noncommittal hug, including a pat on the back. Jess: “I thought I’d at least get a front pat. Hoo-HA!” (I think that was her attempt to evoke Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman.)
CeCe suspected Jess’s penchant for Kermit the Frog impressions was at fault and urged Jess to call Russell. Jess was reluctant for two reasons: 1.) Russell was too sophisticated (he ran with the bulls! and not “the tourist-y bulls in Pamplona,” plus he has a hot air balloon and a hangar in Palm Springs) and 2.) “Schmidt says the second a woman touches a phone, she loses her power — unless of course she’s sexting, in which case she gains a half-power.” Regardless, CeCe convinced her to pick up her phone to ask Russell on a date. Did I mention the phone in question had bunny ears and a fluffy-ball tail? So there’s that.
If you can believe it — and of course you can — Jess and Russell’s second date was even worse than the first. Dating tip, my lovahs: Don’t call your companion old as dirt then segue into a conversation about prostate exams and mammograms that concludes, “Our bodies are decaying.” After Jess blurted out, “Why didn’t we kiss last night?” a mysterious, urgent call pulled Russell away. He dropped some bills and started to run off, only to double back for the ultimate fake-out as he leaned in… to drop more money for her cab fare. To be continued…
NEXT: Dirk, not Diggler