I could spend a whole paragraph parsing moments from the episode, but that would be like needlessly protracted foreplay. Since Jess demonstrated the dangers of that option, I’ll just dive right into it. Which was exactly what Jess wanted to do. Finding herself single on her first Valentine’s Day in six years, she felt “pretty twirly” (that’s Jess parlance for horny) and wanted some no-strings-attached sexytimes. “Tonight is all about what ‘Little Jess’ wants,” she told CeCe, pointing at her crotch like a suburban white kid aping NWA in the early ’90s, “Little Jess!” To show how serious she was, Jess even packed an overnight bag — that included a sewing kit and stain remover. Maybe Jess is kinkier than we thought? For good measure, she also sprayed “Little Jess” and her butt (“Little Nick?”) with perfume, acknowledging, “I’m sorry, I don’t know who’s smelling what tonight.”
For his part, Schmidt wasn’t that enthused about hitting the bars on V-Day because it would be the sexual equivalent of picking fruit out of the “Bruised and Damaged” bin at a discount market. Still, he joined CeCe in guiding Jess to avoid emotional attachments with her one-night stand prospects. She quickly set up what she thought was a great option (and he was was really and totally Jess-propriate in that adorkably hipster way), but Schmidt and CeCe cut the guy off at the knees because he and Jess had too much in common, thus too much emotional attachment. Next, Jess approached a guy and tried to be all sexy by asking, “Can I have your cherry?” Somewhere between jamming her hand into his highball glass (not a euphemism) and nearly choking to death, the magic fizzled.
Amazingly, the fellow who slapped her back to dislodge the cherry ended up being super-adorable and ripped (hello, Ryan “Jason Stackhouse” Kwanten!), and he didn’t mind that Jess’s first word to him was, “Schwing!” All of which is to say, there were many things going for him, including the delightful name Oliver. And yet it quickly became clear that, uh… yikes. Oliver’s biggest passions in life were lunch and tacos. Specifically tacos for lunch. He claimed to work in the nebulous profession of “web creator” and did not understand Jess’s old-timey newspaperman sex voice. As it were, this was exactly what Jess wanted out of her “one-night sex.” She proudly proclaimed, “Yes! I have no emotional connection to him at all, but I’m just gonna eat lunch off that butt!”
NEXT: Three’s a crowd