Lines Schmidt thought were sexual…
A text from his boss: “Tokyo call at 11, and bring me the budget reports.”
At Starbucks: “Non-fat vanilla latte.”
In the elevator: “Three, please.”
UPS guy: “I have a package for Schmidt.”
At work: “Schmidt, my files need sorting. Do it here so I can watch.” [This one prompted him to rub a manila folder up his torso before licking it.]
Work: Clean up my hard drive. [This was actually meant as a come-on.]
Jess: Isn’t Nick the most negative person you’ve ever met?
Schmidt: Absolutely. And you know what? It all pools up right in that little sadness center below his belly button.
Winston: He’s not wrong, though. His life is genuinely terrible.
Are people really the worst? A story in two parts.
Young Nick [finds money on the street]: Whoa, five bucks! Look out, college, here I come! [Random stranger snatches the money.]
Pedophiliac-looking stranger in abduction van [to young Jess]: Hey, little girl… ya like candy?
Young Jess: I sure do!
Stranger: Great! My Nana made way too much! [His Nana slides open back door and gives a neatly wrapped package of candy to young Jess.]
Schmidt [to CeCe]: Oh, come on! Don’t you ever wear jeans? Honestly, you look like you should be distracting James Bond at a baccarat table.
CeCe: I’m actually going to go meet Kyle. Jess loaned me her sea sickness bracelets. I’m going to a party on Greg Kinnear’s boat.
Schmidt: You’re going to a party on Neptune’s Folly?
CeCe: Relax, he’s not going to be there.
Schmidt: I know. He’s in Rio until the 16th.
CeCe: There’s nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you.
Schmidt: Nothing? I mean, what if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig? What if I called my mom after sex to describe it to her? What if I had a croissant blog?
Schmidt’s 2007 New Year’s Resolutions [unearthed from his “interplanetary ass dojo” (Winston’s turn of phrase)]
- Everything is easy when you are a battleship invading the Bay of Success.
- Stop pursuing Caroline. She’s Nick’s girl. Deal with it.
- Begin the search for the cocoon that will one day release [my] butterfly.
- Find out where Winston gets his sparkle… and then steal it.
- Only think about hot new CFO every other time I masturbate. [Schmidt: “I did not live up to the challenge.”]
- Start floating the idea that people call me “Mr. Finish”/”Gametime Jones”/”The Hook-Up-erator.”
- Just pick a color of Crocs and buy them already!
Jess: Remy brought a bottle of… this.
Remy: I ferment things in the basement. I also make cheese.
Nick: You’re not drinking that, Jess.
Jess: Yes I am. Remy made it. [Takes a sip annnnnd… spit take.]
Remy: Think you can handle some, Nick?
Nick: Oh, I don’t think so. Somebody needs to stay sober enough to fight you.
Jess: Nick, be nice! How hard could it be to just open yourself up a little bit? Dip your toe in the pool of possibility.
Remy: Yeah, Nick. Dip your toe!
Jess: You guys have a lot in common. Nick went through a break-up that was really hard on him. [Whispers] Schmidt said your mom had to fly out.
Nick: That was a scheduled trip!
Remy: Did you smell your girl on your sheets for months until they were too soaked through with your own sweat and tears?
Remy: Did you punch out all the windows until you hit the wall and broke your hand? Did you go out looking for companionship, a little human warmth, only to come through the woods covered in animal blood?
Nick: In my own way.
Remy: All right, so a ménage à trois is about three of us — trois — ménage-ing… fully.
Nick: Okay, this is happening. With this guy. This is happening right now, Jess.
Remy: So it’s going to get even a little more uncomfortable. We just have to keep talking to each, all right?
What did you think, Newbies? Did you care for Remy? Were you disappointed by Jess and Nick’s near-miss or happy that their big moment didn’t go down under the duress of an ego-driven threesome? If you were going to steal Winston’s sparkle, how would you do it? And have you visited Fox’s website to design your own “Hey Girl” interactive music video yet?