I strongly considered naming this recap “Crash Fest Dummies,” but, at the end of the day, who doesn’t prefer a good Jefferson Starship reference? I certainly know Schmidt does. So, welcome back, Newbies! Consider the midseason premiere a soothing balm to your still smarting Santa Lap. We’re only in season 1, and yet we’ve already seen so many glorious moments of douchery! The episode takes the form of a Memento-style puzzler in its own New Girl-ish way as the roommates insist Schmidt contribute $50 to the Douchebag Jar. He thinks it’s a high amount, but they insist his latest and greatest display merits it. I’ll leave you in suspense as to what Schmidt could possibly have done that would top “I just want to get my arm stuck down there 127 Hours-style,” but let’s just start with that context: It all happened at Schmidt’s 29th birthday…
Schmidt was freaking out because his party bus fell through (“Apparently my business isn’t as important as Frankie Muniz…’s!”). In addition to losing his love grotto and boob-shaped steering wheel (“you honk the nipple”), Schmidt was particularly traumatized because he was worried what to tell his ultra-d-bag friend (and former college suitemate) Benjamin. The scene of them meeting is straight out of Can’t Hardly Wait, with Benjamin starring as Kenny Fisher and Schmidt playing the role of William Lichter. Only, unlike William Lichter, it’s taken Schmidt far longer to realize that he owes nothing to his high school superior. He tells Jess, “If not for Benjamin, I never would have become a Los Angeles baller.” And then, for emphasis, “Holla.”
Seeing Schmidt curled up on his bed like a tween girl stuck somewhere between PMS and the realization that Justin Bieber might never leave Selena Gomez for her, Jess took it upon herself to organize the event. After booking a stripper, she sought drugs from the desk of her school principal (who turns out to be a really cheap date). Most significantly, though, she put together an actual party bus — emphasis on the “bus” because it was a wheels-going-round-and-round, canary yellow literal diesel chugger, though Jess had outfitted it with a range of condom sizes, plus kosher yogurt and honey (or, as Schmidt calls it, “kosher yog”). There is a keg in a Bed Bath & Beyond trash can and an array of crash helmets. So, you know, it’s just like every other party bus you might have ever experienced.
NEXT: Putting the “bus” in busted