WOW! So much amazing drama in “Your Wild Life’s Gonna Get You Down” — and that was quite possibly the most performance-driven episode ever! After two hours of fairly competent numbers on that other show I recap Wednesday nights, this week’s Nashville reminded me of one of the most important TV truths of this life: Juliette Barnes is my true American Idol, forever and ever. She shimmied in black sparkly fringe, she touched hands with the grubby crowd, and she lured the camera in with an I-dare-you-to-take-your-eyes-off-my-thighs edge you just can’t find in reality TV these days. The woman is a marvel! Go scripted! Never forget.
The five-pronged Deacon-Megan-Teddy-Rayna-Maddie relationship coil has EXPLODED! I know that’s a weird way to describe it, but then I pictured the coil in a mattress, and suddenly Luke Wheeler and his stupid stereotype of a teen son, Colt, had jumped onto the mattress. Pop! Pow! It sort of makes sense as everyone on this show is always sleeping together. Oh, but those kids are involved. I’m sorry. I made it weird.
Anyway, Deacon found out about Megan sleeping with Teddy, and after throwing Teddy against the wall in anger, settled on punching the wall. NO! Not the hand!!!!
Oh. False alarm. Looks like Deacon just shattered his other hand against the wall, the hand that holds the guitar (and never rocked the cradle). Still. Don’t do anything crazy, Deacon (like drink). Megan tried to convince him as much as he packed up his belongings to storm out of his own house. Whatever, Megan. That’s all I’ve ever really thought about her. Just whatever. See ya.
Also: Right before they headed onstage to jam together, Luke found out from his son that Maddie’s real father was Deacon. She’d confided in the incorrigible ColtBeatz after he’d removed his enormous headphones long enough to delight in the Conrad sisters harmonizing on a modified game of Pattycake. Real, live voices and fleshy hands? It was so….analog. Gross. But the digital wiring in ColtBeatz’s robot brain loosened its grip long enough for him to recognize hey, these human specimens might be producing something that could go on my HOMEPAGE. I better lay down a track behind their performance and call the whole thing “a beat”! Good God, this kid was awful. Hilarious.
So Maddie Claybourne, as she’s known on the fake YouTube, was right there on Luke Wheeler’s phone for Rayna to gape at, horrified and dismayed because young lady, “We have rules about social media in this family.” You know what? I LOVE this storyline. It’s so now, much like Skrillex and EDM and rap. Mother and daughter are both right — Rayna more right, of course. Maddie justifiably considers herself an artist and wants to show the world who she is, while Rayna is thinking many steps ahead and, knowing what a terrible, horrible, no-good-very-bad place the creepy internet is, really wants Maddie to understand that it is not in her best interest in the long run to expose her (their!) dirty laundry at such a young age.
Well, Rayna was only thinking about her own career, Maddie insists. She’s embarrassed by her illegitimate daughter! And with that, Rayna both bristled and softened — something I never thought possible — and within a span of a few seconds transitioned from yelling to wavering to crying to shaking. It was AWESOME. “Your father and Deacon and I love you, and you are wanted, and we all wanna protect you. Now take that video down before it gets out of control.”
But as we see in scenes from next week’s seemingly equally explosive episode, Maddie can’t take it down in time and the whole world will learn that Rayna James and Deacon Claybourne had an affair… and a child! There will be a “MASSIVE. MELTDOWN.” As if Will Lexington smashing a beer bottle in the general vicinity of Gunnar wasn’t meltdown-y enough? Will doesn’t give a STEER’S ASS about how much he paid for that beverage!
NEXT PAGE: I now pronounce you Gay and Grasping At Relevance