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Mistresses recap: The Best Laid Plans

Sometimes you think you’ve come up with a good plan. But then it turns out you’ve come up with the very worst plan.

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Bettina Strauss/ABC


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I’m embarrassed to admit that I only understood the humor of the title to this episode when I got to the very end of it. But that’s okay, cause no one on this show is so smart this week.

We open right where we left off last week: Harry realizing he’s been screwed (at least twice) by awful Niko, who basically used Harry as a pawn to make her boyfriend Ellis jealous. In fact, she’s Ellis’ mistress. That’s right! They said the magic “M” word now everybody drink! Harry realizes his job is now at risk and begs her not to tell Ellis. It pains me to side with my nemesis Niko, but she is right when she said that because they left the staff party together word will undoubtedly spread so that particularly slutty horse has left the barn. Important lesson number one from today’s episode: Don’t sleep with co-workers! (Also don’t you-know-what where you eat.)

April’s mom — believably beautiful — has gifts for everyone: a pretty dress for Lucy, a candle (that she stocks in her own store) for April. It is frosty and awkward and Marc — looking cuter and cuter every episode — drinks his coffee and observes quietly. April is vibrating from stress and Marc looks like he’d rather be surfing.

Karen wakes up alone for a change (again, that bed is not built for three) and finds Alec watching her from a chair nearby. He doesn’t sleep more than five hours, which explains a lot, I think, and they start to get cutesy and kiss till Karen hears that Vivian left to go to her sister’s. She immediately pulls back — this tripod is missing one leg.

Joss walks in on Calista and Luca fighting. Turns out these guys own a lot of cool property and Luca wants it all: the Paris apartment, the loft in Soho, the vineyards in Ojai. He drops a major bomb: He has proof that Calista cheated on him with Wilson (her seemingly gay but whatever) assistant. She explains to Joss — who explains to Calista that being Joss means she is judgment free — and generally loses her mind.

April vents to Karen about her mom. Karen alludes to something dark from April’s history with her mom, but we don’t quite get it just yet. Karen declines to bring her thrupple to dinner and explains that it’s a bit weird being alone with Alec without Vivian. That it is weird. More couples, more problems. The ladies tease Joss about how rich Calista is and Joss makes a stand about how much she loves Calista. Karen advises (ironically) not to get involved, and Joss puts her plotting cap on to see what she can do.

Marc tells Harry that everyone knows about Niko and him. But good news! Niko got transferred to a different restaurant! Maybe we will never see her again! Bad news: Harry is hosed since Ellis owns everything in LA apparently and couldn’t get another job if he tried. Marc advises Harry to go all Rachel Ray and brand himself as a celebrity chef and be his own boss. He pushes him to meet with an assistant to an agent that he once slept with. This is the most realistic L.A. sentence I’ve heard on this show!

At dinner with April’s mom, Lucy chats happily to her grandmother and ices her mother. April surprises her though with the news that Lucy can skip school the following day for a fun ladies day out at the beach and stuff. When left alone, April and her mom seem to not have a lot to say to one another.

Calista tells Joss she’s moving back to New York. And this is when Joss tells her the plan she comes up with. And you guys, I’d much rather lay my head on my desk for a nap than continue on with this because it’s all so terrible, and you know it is a huge mistake from the start! But basically the idea is that Joss will lure Luca into cheating and Calista can catch him red-handed. Ugh. Oh ladies, no. (The highlight of this scene, and possibly the episode, is Calista saying that miracles are for poor people.)

So here’s a question: Does Karen like Vivian more than Alec? After getting a cute picture from Vivian, she cancels dinner with Alec and basically starts giving him some major fade. He shows up later at her house with food while she’s doing yoga. He confronts her on her whole avoidance thing. They agree they don’t know what they are allowed to do. It’s so confusing to be a thrupple! So far I do not get the appeal.

April is searching her mother’s bag for booze. Marc gives her some pointers but April doesn’t find anything. Hmmm.

NEXT: The Worst Plan in the World is set in motion