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Mistresses recap: I'll Be Watching You

Is Calista Raines a friend or foe?

Posted on

Bettina Strauss/ABC


TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:

And we’re back to the second half of our two-hour premiere! (Go here for the first hour’s recap.) Harry gets out of the shower. Man, he looks good. The show seems to agree since we get a nice, long, lingering shot accompanied by “Say You Love Me” by Jessie Ware. He looks at his phone and seems to think about calling Joss (who has a 541 area code, which is Oregon. Interesting.) but then thinks better of it.

Joss, meanwhile, is tooling around in a rented Kia. Bet she misses that Tesla now! She fields a phone call from Karen, who complains she has no evidence of Joss living there except for underwear and Pop Tarts on the couch. We learn that Joss has been writing long crazy email drafts to her sister and that Savi hasn’t contacted Karen either—even though Karen wasn’t the one grinding her ex-husband while wearing a wedding dress.

Joss’ parking spot is stolen by someone in a fancy pants Range Rover. Joss confronts the driver and surprise! It’s our soon-to-be fourth mistress, Calista. Calista is sort of a wreck, which I love, and throws some money at Joss to make her go away. Calista then pulls out a camera.

And now we come to the beginning of what seems to be a new thing for this show: church talk. April is getting ready to go when Trailer Park Marc shows up with some laundry. Oh, so this guy is going to be a thing I guess? April sees that Scotty’s hair is a mess—Marc sheepishly admits he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to brush it. April informs him that black hair care is a science. (Just ask Rachel Dolezal!) She’s horrified by the state of the sheets in the wash and tells him to come by the store for some free sheets. Hey April, I could use some free sheets too!

While she picks out some nice linens at her clearly over-priced store—the sheets cost 300 bucks—Marc hits on a store employee. I can’t wait to see how Trailer Park Marc mends his ways.

But unfortunately all this sheet going down means she stands up Karen, who has arrived at church wearing a gigantic hat roughly the size of the one that Andie MacDowell wore in Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Meanwhile, Joss hits up a travel agent in this continuing farce in trying to track down Savi (even though she beats me to the joke about Expedia). The travel agent informs her that the last trip Savi booked was a couple of years ago and it was to Australia…to go with Harry. Oops.

When Joss leaves the travel agency, she discovers her car was towed. She instantly blames spot-stealing Calista and starts to melt down in the street. Calista tells her she’s ruining her stakeout and to get in the car. Calista explains she’s trying to catch her husband in the act of cheating. She agrees to drive Joss to the tow yard. A bonding adventure!

Calista tells Joss that all this drama is about money—but her money, not her husband’s. That’s when Joss figures out that Calista is some big deal designer (“If you tweet this, I’ll kill you,” Calista tells her. Heh.) Joss fills Calista in on the whole find my iPhone app and also about how she fell in love with her sister’s ex-husband and is trying to track her down to make amends.

As for Harry, he walks in to his restaurant while the new oily owner, Ellis, is running a front-of-house meeting. Ellis, it’s safe to say, seems like a real jerk. Harry clearly agrees after he is forced to engage in an exploding pound.

His instincts (in this case) prove sound considering he’s next confronted by a weepy server who tells him she and the other staff were fired. Ellis is holding a casting call for super hot chicks as waitresses. He manages to say some stuff about how Joss was a nice piece of tail and make Harry go a little bit crazier and us all hate him more.

Harry loses his temper and Ellis is all, let me break this down for you. When Joss’ boyfriend pulled his money out of the restaurant, Ellis ended up with his shares and now owns 65 percent of the restaurant. Uh-oh. He tells Harry a thing or two—like know his role and realize that he’s just a hired hand.

April is still having trouble with her very angry daughter. When Trailer Park Marc comes over to tell April that he Yelp’d the school he sent Scotty to, which unsurprisingly sucks, she reads him the riot act. TP Marc is all, we’re only here because of you and by the way, your kid hates you.

Karen goes to the hospital to donate her “unicorn blood” to Mrs. Adams who finally gets a name this episode! (It’s Vivian.) When she gets home Joss is waiting and so is a postcard from Savi that says she’s fine, Eat-Pray-Loving-It in Italy, and not to tell her sister where she is.

Not that this stops Joss: She apparently knows enough Italian to yell internationally that she’s trying to track down her sister. She’s distracted when Calista calls her to tell Joss that her suggestion about downloading that app worked, and her husband is on the move to cheatertown. Apparently Calista doesn’t have any friends, so she tells Joss she’s picking her up to help.

And poor Karen is left alone. Again. She calls a mystery person and asks if he/she wants company.

NEXT: So what exactly is Calista up to?