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'Mistresses' recap: 'I'll Be Watching You'

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Bettina Strauss/ABC


TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:

And we’re back to the second half of our two-hour premiere! (Go here for the first hour’s recap.) Harry gets out of the shower. Man, he looks good. The show seems to agree since we get a nice, long, lingering shot accompanied by “Say You Love Me” by Jessie Ware. He looks at his phone and seems to think about calling Joss (who has a 541 area code, which is Oregon. Interesting.) but then thinks better of it.

Joss, meanwhile, is tooling around in a rented Kia. Bet she misses that Tesla now! She fields a phone call from Karen, who complains she has no evidence of Joss living there except for underwear and Pop Tarts on the couch. We learn that Joss has been writing long crazy email drafts to her sister and that Savi hasn’t contacted Karen either—even though Karen wasn’t the one grinding her ex-husband while wearing a wedding dress.

Joss’ parking spot is stolen by someone in a fancy pants Range Rover. Joss confronts the driver and surprise! It’s our soon-to-be fourth mistress, Calista. Calista is sort of a wreck, which I love, and throws some money at Joss to make her go away. Calista then pulls out a camera.

And now we come to the beginning of what seems to be a new thing for this show: church talk. April is getting ready to go when Trailer Park Marc shows up with some laundry. Oh, so this guy is going to be a thing I guess? April sees that Scotty’s hair is a mess—Marc sheepishly admits he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to brush it. April informs him that black hair care is a science. (Just ask Rachel Dolezal!) She’s horrified by the state of the sheets in the wash and tells him to come by the store for some free sheets. Hey April, I could use some free sheets too!

While she picks out some nice linens at her clearly over-priced store—the sheets cost 300 bucks—Marc hits on a store employee. I can’t wait to see how Trailer Park Marc mends his ways.

But unfortunately all this sheet going down means she stands up Karen, who has arrived at church wearing a gigantic hat roughly the size of the one that Andie MacDowell wore in Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Meanwhile, Joss hits up a travel agent in this continuing farce in trying to track down Savi (even though she beats me to the joke about Expedia). The travel agent informs her that the last trip Savi booked was a couple of years ago and it was to Australia…to go with Harry. Oops.

When Joss leaves the travel agency, she discovers her car was towed. She instantly blames spot-stealing Calista and starts to melt down in the street. Calista tells her she’s ruining her stakeout and to get in the car. Calista explains she’s trying to catch her husband in the act of cheating. She agrees to drive Joss to the tow yard. A bonding adventure!

Calista tells Joss that all this drama is about money—but her money, not her husband’s. That’s when Joss figures out that Calista is some big deal designer (“If you tweet this, I’ll kill you,” Calista tells her. Heh.) Joss fills Calista in on the whole find my iPhone app and also about how she fell in love with her sister’s ex-husband and is trying to track her down to make amends.

As for Harry, he walks in to his restaurant while the new oily owner, Ellis, is running a front-of-house meeting. Ellis, it’s safe to say, seems like a real jerk. Harry clearly agrees after he is forced to engage in an exploding pound.

His instincts (in this case) prove sound considering he’s next confronted by a weepy server who tells him she and the other staff were fired. Ellis is holding a casting call for super hot chicks as waitresses. He manages to say some stuff about how Joss was a nice piece of tail and make Harry go a little bit crazier and us all hate him more.

Harry loses his temper and Ellis is all, let me break this down for you. When Joss’ boyfriend pulled his money out of the restaurant, Ellis ended up with his shares and now owns 65 percent of the restaurant. Uh-oh. He tells Harry a thing or two—like know his role and realize that he’s just a hired hand.

April is still having trouble with her very angry daughter. When Trailer Park Marc comes over to tell April that he Yelp’d the school he sent Scotty to, which unsurprisingly sucks, she reads him the riot act. TP Marc is all, we’re only here because of you and by the way, your kid hates you.

Karen goes to the hospital to donate her “unicorn blood” to Mrs. Adams who finally gets a name this episode! (It’s Vivian.) When she gets home Joss is waiting and so is a postcard from Savi that says she’s fine, Eat-Pray-Loving-It in Italy, and not to tell her sister where she is.

Not that this stops Joss: She apparently knows enough Italian to yell internationally that she’s trying to track down her sister. She’s distracted when Calista calls her to tell Joss that her suggestion about downloading that app worked, and her husband is on the move to cheatertown. Apparently Calista doesn’t have any friends, so she tells Joss she’s picking her up to help.

And poor Karen is left alone. Again. She calls a mystery person and asks if he/she wants company.

NEXT: So what exactly is Calista up to? [pagebreak]​

April goes to see TP Marc to apologize and eat a huge helping of humble pie. They have a real heart to heart and decide to try and help each other out. She agrees to help him talk to Scotty’s principal—even after seeing that he is using those expensive sheets as a tablecloth. Oh god, are these guys going to be a couple? I don’t know if I can handle that.

Back at the restaurant of staff stress, Harry is MIA. And there’s a huge and important fashion party including Mr. Joe Zee (formerly of Elle Magazine and currently at Yahoo and a real live real person on this fun show). Bottom line: things need to go well tonight. This might be hard without the head chef.

So where is he? Punching the hell out of a boxing bag. Way to take out that rage, Harry! He finds an early menu for Wunderbar that has scribbled on it cute notes from Joss. (A freeze frame reveals that she totally was not into the idea of chilled asparagus soup and that the braised rabbit is her favorite. Interesting!) All the smiley faces and hearts clearly get to our Aussie hero—when he finds an encouraging note written on a napkin he is melted completely.

Karen’s company turns out to be Vivian Adams, getting her treatment in the hospital. Karen brings all the fixin’s for a manicure. Karen may have been there to cheer up Vivian but ends up sharing her own feelings instead: She’s mad at Savi for deserting her and leaving her high and dry. Thank you. This is the problem of this weird Savi plotline the character would never have abandoned her friends! I wish Alyssa Milano had just come in and said her goodbyes so we could all move on, but oh well. Vivian gives some sound advice and asks Karen what it is exactly she’s afraid of.

Joss arrives at the cheater’s restaurant and goes inside to look for Calista’s husband. She sees him with two glasses of champagne, waiting for someone, but the blonde with the ostrich legs that Calista is obsessed with is nowhere in sight. Joss stays on the case so she can take a picture and ta-da! The lady herself arrives. But at the moment of truth Joss gets a call from Europe and she thinks it’s Savi so she walks away to take it. Worst. Wing. Person. Ever. By the time she clears up the confusion, she’s missed her opportunity. Whoops.

At Wunderbar, Joe Zee and his fancy friends are getting highly annoyed that there’s no food in sight. Ellis is beginning to visibly sweat. Harry shows up and goes into super-chef mode and even goes the extra mile in googling who is at the table. He’s all charm and no one—not even Joe Zee—is able to resist the food or him. Harry lays it on thick and the VIPs are purring like kittens.

April is trying to make good on her word and talking to someone about getting Scotty into a school when Karen arrives, looking dejected. She fesses up what’s been bothering her: She’s afraid she’s going to fall out of the group with Savi gone. This seems odd, considering they’ve all been hanging out a lot but hey, fears are fears. April assures her this isn’t the case. She tells her she has an idea how to fix things. (It rhymes with furch.)

Joss and Calista drink together. Calista is taking Joss screwing up pretty well, considering, and asks Joss questions about Harry. Joss talks about how much she loves Harry and Calista basically tells her to get her head out of her ass and go be with Harry and accept her sister might be mad for a while. I do not disagree! Joss goes home and deletes the long email she had in draft to Savi.

Harry too is feeling pretty good. He feels even better when Ellis approaches, tail between the legs. He realizes that Harry is essential (Joe Zee called inviting Harry to a Sundance party) and that he can’t boss him around. Harry also tells him he’ll be hiring back all his people. Hooray for loyalty.

Harry is feeling so good that he calls Joss and she picks up. Phew. These two: let’s just get it together already! He tells her he’s grateful to her for getting this job and they’re generally pretty sweet together. She tells him she misses him, he misses her. So…get with it you guys!

April, TP Marc, and the kids have a meal and April announces that she thought they should all move in together. Oh boy, wacky times ahead. But Lucy is happy…not so happy she’ll acknowledge her mother but still, baby steps.

Calista sends Joss some free clothes which is pretty exciting, I must say. Joss puts them on to go to church with the other ladies. I still don’t understand this insistence on the church thing, and the most realistic part about all this is that Joss would bring a chicken drumstick into a holy place.

But what is Calista actually up to? We end the episode with her creeping up on Harry at the bar and telling him she’s heard a lot about him. HMMMMM.

Welcome back everyone!