Readers, I want to run a thought experiment here. Debase yourself mentally for a few impure moments, and allow yourself to walk a mile in The Situation’s shoes. Let’s say you wake up on a humid Florentine afternoon, your breath smelling of expensive cigarettes and rank tequila, your head feeling a few miles removed from the rest of your body. You’ve been sleeping on a couch in the foyer. A flock of pigeons has taken up residence a few feet from your head, perhaps attracted by the pure-grade Emirates diesel you put in your hair, so it shines like black cordite.
It takes a long time to walk from your bed to the toilet, from the bidet to the shower, back to the toilet for a manful regurge, then over to the hot tub for a morning soak. Let’s theorize that that whole process takes you the better part of two hours. In that time, you feel less like a human being and more like a dragon, sliming around on your pile of gold coins searching for a hobbit to munch on. Eventually, the hot tub jetstream makes you feel almost yourself. You throw on some Abercrombie & Fitch. At that exact moment, a blonde woman appears at your doorway. Her body double lurks behind her. Speaking in unison, they screech, “You said you’d be ready in an hour!”
This is precisely the situation that faced Maestro Sitch during last night’s episode. Now, we all know that twins are a blessing sent to Earth from our overlords on the planet Saturn. That’s even more true when the twins represent a walking, talking angel/whore metaphor. Last night, one twin (whom I will henceforth refer to as “Tweedledee”) made much of the fact that she was a virgin; the other twin (whom I will in turn henceforth refer to as “Tweedle-Poor-Life-Decisions”) has so little self-esteem, she convinces herself that she is attracted to a 45-year-old man who dresses like the high school kid everyone had to pretend to like because his absent parents had a well-stocked liquor cabinet. David Lynch could not have possibly dreamed up the TweedleTwins who invaded Jersey Shore. “If I pull your hair,” asked The Situation, “will she feel it?”
There are two key things to notice about the TweedleTwins. First, they clearly wanted very badly to be a part of Jersey Shore. Second, they are essentially the only people — besides waiters and gym managers — that the Shore cast has interacted with in any meaningful way in the first three episodes of the Great Florence Experiment. In a sense, this season is turning out to be the polar opposite of the majestic season-2 trip to Miami. That season was all about what the Joker would refer to as “Aggressive Expansion” — the Shore cast had just became famous, everyone wanted a piece of them, and they wanted a piece of everyone else. Now, they are in a country where they don’t speak the language, where all roads lead to nowhere. They are trapped in a world they never made. No wonder Deena started making out with the virgin chick.
NEXT: “A Full-Blown Lesbi-honest experience.”