Okay, but I have a serious question: What’s with all the intra-house fraternizing all of the sudden? Did everyone just miss each other in the off-season? Are their flirtation methods genuinely suffering from the language barrier? At the club, Deena was begging for a smush sesh with Pauly. “Let’s hook up and cuddle,” said Deena. “Yeah, I know!” responded Pauly. Nicole told Pauly he should go for it. Her advice: “Just have sex with her. You’ll be friends with benefits. No strings attached. Cowboys and aliens.” Pauly nodded, but he had no intention of closing the deal. He was just playing games with Deena’s heart. Later that night, she strolled into his room for a nightvision cuddle. Pauly pretended to be asleep. Deena clearly hasn’t read Twilight, or she would know that vampires don’t sleep.
Meanwhile, The Situation is continuing his transformation from Creepy Uncle Sitch to Lovesick Mikey. He walks through the long halls of the Jersey Villa, mooning over his darling Shnookums. He happened to walk into the living room right as Nicole was having a serious conversation with her boyfriend Jionni, who continues the age-old Shore tradition of the Offscreen Significant Other who comes off terribly on the phone. “Where the f— you been,” he sputtered, “I haven’t heard from you for an entire day!” Snooki was confused. The poor girl is stressed.
So in strolled Mikey, the man with the plan. “The Situation is very good with relationship advice,” he reminded us. “Don’t let this bother you,” he told Snooki, who was still on the phone with Jionni and looked like a girl who was feeling extremely bothered by every man talking to her. But Mike wouldn’t relent. “Hey, come here,” he said, “Follow me. It’s so beautiful out here. I care for you a lot. I just want you to be happy. What I don’t want for you is for you to not be yourself. Listen,” he concluded, “I’m glad you came to me. I’m glad you came to me.” It was just like that time that my middle-aged coworker walked into my office, asked me to talk about my personal problems, made an awkward pass at me, and then thanked me profusely for walking into their office.
Now, you might think that this particular flirtation is flowing in one direction: That the flames of passion are oozing like lava from Mount St. Situation down onto poor unsuspecting Snookerino Village. But you’d be wrong! At the club, Nicole got positively apoplectic when Mike started flirting with an All-American girl named Brittany or Britney or Brittanie or perhaps Britt-knee. “She’s really ugly!” exclaimed Snooki. Later, after Sitch had had a — surprisingly graphic! — nightvision encounter with Bertneigh, Snooki tried to convince him, “You can do better.” So there you have it: Snooki and Sitch are like two volcanoes spewing hot lava of passion all over each other. I just vomited!
NEXT: Single Ronnie goes on a Rampage: World Tour.