When you think about it for a hot second, every movie nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars this weekend is basically all about The Situation. Like the main character of 127 Hours, Sitch is an adrenaline junkie who is both the cause of (and solution to) all his worst problems. Like the main character of Black Swan, he wavers constantly between his light and dark sides — between Funny Ol’ Uncle Sitch and Handsy McDrunkbags. Both The King’s Speech and The Fighter are underdog stories about overlooked doofuses who rise to the challenge when history finally gives them the opportunity — just like a certain assistant gym manager/Hot Cop who was fast approaching retirement age when he suddenly received a last-chance ticket to Gloryville, USA.
Sitch became fabulously wealthy and impossibly influential through an unlikely combination of hard work, good timing, and being a total douche rocket — very much like the kids in The Social Network. He works closely with his co-workers to create a reasonable facsimile of reality, just like the Leo DiCaprio Dream Squad in that Michael Mann movie that Christopher Nolan directed. (I can’t think of the name of the movie, but it’s the one where the inceptioneers try to inceptivize a dude’s mind by incepting themselves into his dreams, using a process called “inception.” I think it was called Shutter Island: First Class.)
Matt Damon was basically playing The Situation in cowboy clothes in True Grit. Mark Ruffalo is The Situation, and he gamely played himself in The Kids Are All Right. Sitch’s whole role in life is to have fun, but we can all see that he never allows himself to relax — perhaps because, like Woody and the gang in Toy Story 3, he’s keenly aware that he’ll eventually get thrown in the trash like every other pop culture plaything. Also, Winter’s Bone! Haven’t seen it, have you?
I have a theory that — when you get past the Sam-Ron romance and the Vinny-Pauly Bro Show and Snooki’s snookery and J-Woww’s breasts — Jersey Shore is really the story of Sitch. (You can more about it in my upcoming unauthorized Mike Sorrentino biography, The Rise and Fall of Uncle Situation.) That theory was reconfirmed last night, when The Situation decided to pull a fanciful prank on the Meatballs. He was upset with Snooki and Deena, you see, because they had stuck marshmallows all around the house, and because they kept on bothering him while he was having a telephone conversation. They were all like, “Miiiiike, get off the duck phone! Quack Quack! Miiiiike, we wanna call a taxi! Quack!”
Mike looked annoyed. Then he grew an evil mustache and twirled it. (And then he waxed it off.) “Oh, I’ll call you girls a taxi,” said Evil Dr. Situation, “I’ll call you a taxi, all right! Aha!” (“Thanks, Uncle Mike,” they responded. “Quack!”) While the Meatballs were getting dressed, Mike called the Taxi-Man and explained his cunning plan: “You’re gonna take them to Times Square, see, but they think they’re going to Jenkinson’s, see. Yes, I’m aware that those two places are 80 minutes apart, plus an extra half hour with traffic. Don’t worry, these girls aren’t aware of time nor space.” The taxi arrived. Uncle Mike kissed his beloved Meatball Nieces goodbye and wished them a safe trip. In the cab, Deena and Snooki had a serious conversation. “People think I’m dumb, but I’m really not that dumb,” said Deena. Then she said, “Hey, why’s that big gray statue lady holding that torch? Is she running in the Olympics? I thought those only happened once every four months!”
NEXT: The Situation has a family dinner with The Situation