Everyone I know hates Sammi. When women look at her, they see a popular girl, a priss, a spoiled-rotten Queen Bee. She’s the kind of girl other girls hope will get married to a benchwarming NFL player who will divorce her for a Victoria’s Secret model, leaving her to a dwindling existence in some lesser corner of the Real Housewives universe. Men, on the other hand, look at Sammi and see every soul-sucking high-maintenance girlfriend they’ve ever had. But, in a weird twist, they also see every girl who ever spurned them: She’s the girl who only dated dudes on the football team, or who never returned any of your calls after the first date, or who wasn’t suitably impressed when you said you were a “consultant.” (Metaphorically speaking, if you’re a guy, Sammi is both the Enemy at the Gates and the Enemy Within. Men are complicated.) It doesn’t help that Sammi’s main hobbies are “staring into the mirror” and “staring into the mirror really hard.” In a funny way, she’s the most unifying person on the show: Whether you love or hate Jersey Shore, you almost certainly hate Sammi.
But the lady gets a bad rap. There are many sides to our Sam, people. Visualize, if you will, a line-up of collectible Sammi Sweetheart action figures. There’s “Suspicious-Girlfriend Sammi” — if you pull the string, it screeches “What did you do?! What did you do!?” until you tell your dog to bury it in the backyard. There’s “Hates-Everybody Sammi,” who doesn’t play well with other dolls. But there’s also “Single-Sammi,” who has a big smile on her face and dances until her batteries run out, and “Unexpectedly-Lovable Sammi,” who wears librarian glasses and comes in a two-pack with “Vomiting Ronnie.” Finally, there’s my personal favorite, a hard-to-find collector’s item: “Sammi, The Bitch for Justice.”
It was this last Sammi who triumphantly emerged during last night’s episode of Jersey Shore. The episode began the same way most episodes this season have begun: Ronnie and Sam were fighting, and fighting, and fighting. Just to break up the monotony of being angry at Sam, Ronnie decided to get angry at The Situation, because Sitch committed the cardinal sin of Bringing Up Miami. “I’m fed up,” said Ronnie. “The guy plays both corners. You talk all about the bro code, but you’re all about the girl code, you f—ing bitch.” Ronnie was on a crusade to put the Situation in his place, because the Situation was fake, and Ronnie is real. “Keepin it real is what it’s all about,” Ronnie mumbled to himself, “That’s why I use Xenadrine!”
Pauly D could sense that trouble was afoot. He tried distracting Ronnie with roller coasters. While they strolled through a roller coaster montage, they happened to pass by a boardwalk bar where Sammi and Deena were eating a tequila lunch. Sammi apparently thought that Pauly was some tall-haired bimbo, because she decided to go on the prowl for man-candy. She flirted with some barflies, including one fellow who appeared to have the complete map of Ghosts n’ Goblins tattooed on his shoulder.
Next: A fight is averted, and then the real fight starts