Who is Pauly D? He’s a man of mystery, a blank slate, a riddle wrapped in an enigma swaddled in a Shyamalan. We know that he is a handsome fellow, that he says funny things, that his hair is trying to escape from his brain by reaching skyward. We know that he is a DJ. And that’s pretty much it. He does not fight. He does not argue. He is easily the least active member of the house. He’s there to react, with cartoon-sized eyes and quick repartee that occasionally morphs into song mid-sentence. The world seems to be happening around him, for his viewing pleasure. He’s like a robot from Mystery Science Theater 3000, except with better production designers. Just consider how blissfully uninterested he acts around the beautiful girls who follow him home. His smush etiquette is nonexistent. Compare him to Vinny, who always acts like a kid on Christmas morning when he gets a pretty lady home from the club, or the Situation, who will force a girl into comfortable sweatpants and then cook her up a late dinner. (Turns out there are some advantages to sleeping with a 45-year-old multi-millionaire.)
There are only two ways to explain how Pauly is the way he is. 1) He is last of the Satyrs, a race of goat-men with carefree spirits who float through the background of Greek mythology sipping wine and wooing innocent women with their music. (Just like a DJ!) 2) He’s the vanguard for a race of ludicrously attractive space aliens, sent to earth to decide if humanity is worthy of entrance into the Galactic Federation of Planets. Whichever theory you believe, you can’t help but wonder: What does Jersey Shore look like through the eyes of Pauly D? Remember that scene in 30 Rock, when we see the world through Kenneth’s eyes and everyone is a muppet? I imagine Pauly D sees his housemates the same way.
Last night, Pauly casually offered himself up for a four-sided orgy with Deena, Snooki, and J-Woww. When Snooki’s undesirable army veteran kept quack-quack-quacking on the duck phone, Pauly playfully imitated the worst answering machine on the face of the earth: “For Snooki press 2. For Deena press 3.” (God, remember answering machines?) So far, so satyr. But by the end of the episode, Pauly was in human-testing mode. Danielle the Stalker was hanging out at Karma, and she sent a diplomatic envoy over to broker a peace agreement. Pauly agreed to a brief disarmament.
He asked Danielle why she was stalking him, and Danielle said, “Because you made me look like a stalker,” which proves Danielle has a bright future in politics. Pauly hugged her. Pauly invited her back to the house. Pauly quickly put on the “I Heart Jewish Girls” shirt that she made for him last year. It’s hard to say why he did this, except to test exactly how much he could embarrass Danielle before she left. She stood resolute, claiming that she couldn’t see a thing without her glasses.
That’s when Vin-Vin stepped in with the jokes. “When you give birth and you’re about to have a baby, what kind of bird comes and delivers the baby?” “Stork!” everyone exclaimed, in accents that clearly slanted the word into “Stalk!” Danielle looked embarrassed, her resolve crumbling. Pauly: “What did Jack climb up? The bean-what?” Bean-bag? Bean-ie baby? Billy Beane, General Manager of the Oakland A’s? Ohhhh, bean-stalk. Burn, Danielle, you’re getting burned! At this point, Danielle stepped out, and hopefully she’ll be able to figure out how she has spent a year of her life being embarrassed by Jersey Shore.
NEXT: Ronnie has an itch that only a doctor can scratch, and yes, that is prison lingo