With all due respect to Uncle Situation, Li’l Shnookums, and DJ Pauly The DJ, there is no question in my mind that the most complex person in the Jersey Shore universe is J-Woww. The woman is a paradox. On one hand, her chest looks like two renegade moons of Neptune and her name sounds like the sound you make when you see her chest. On the other hand, she’s the most logical voice in the house, she doesn’t hook-up in the Community Smush room, and she’s the one Shore lady who can call out the boys when they cross the line from “lovable cad” to “preening douche cadet.” But on still another hand, J-Woww is always the quickest to throw punches…and she’s the slowest to forgive.
Last night’s episode seemed like it was going to be about Snooki. We began in the aftermath of Snookfest ’11. Snooki had invaded the boardwalk, dodged work, drank an estimated 476 shots of various liquors, and crawled all around the beach like a fish that forgot to evolve. Naturally, the PD took her into custody. J-Woww alerted Papa Polizzi, who made some worried-sounding “Wah-Wah” sounds over the phone. Then J-Woww called her boyfriend, Tom. Tom was a bit upset that J-Woww hadn’t called the night before. “Tom, Snooki just got arrested for being a drunk nuisance,” J-Woww explained. Tom: “So she get arrested today? What the f— happened last night?”
Now, it would be wrong to make fun of Tom. Unlike the actual cast members of this show, he wasn’t paid inhuman sums of money to become an object of national ridicule. For all we know, he’s a crusading civil rights lawyer who spends his weekends singing in the local nondenominational church choir and volunteering with kids who can’t read good. But we can all agree that this was perhaps a poor moment to discuss general relationship issues. Like, Ground Control to Major Tom: Your lady’s best friend just got pinched by the fuzz! Don’t be pass-aggro! Bad! Tom seemed to sense his mistake, because he called J-Woww back. “Quack! Quack! Quack!” went the duck phone. “Hi! Hi! Hi!” said Tom. “F—! F—! F—!” said J-Woww. Children, good communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
The gang went to go collect Shnookums from jail. J-Woww had somehow already created a “Free Snooki” T-shirt, which was visible from space. Snooki didn’t seem too much worse for wear. “Going to jail is definitely embarrassing,” she admitted, which is actually exactly what Bernie Madoff said when his friends came and bailed him out of jail. La Snookerina didn’t seem to know what lesson to take from her ordeal. She told her dad, “It was like a f—ing phenomenon. Not a phenomenon, a train wreck.” Those words have nothing in common! Papa Polizzi wasn’t taking her guff. He unleashed some angry “Wah-Wah” sounds on her, which might have been more effective when Snooki was a young lady who wasn’t making money off of consistently being her worst self.
But Snooki was feeling reflective. Maybe it was the hangover. Maybe it was the fact that she still had sandy cleavage from her morning beach-crawl. Maybe Snooki is taking the first beautiful steps towards becoming a self-aware 12-year-old human being. For whatever reason, she noted that something had definitely changed in her. She blamed her ex, Emilio: “Before him, I was never an angry drunk. Well, I was, but I wasn’t that bad.” J-Woww told it to her straight: “I think you need to find love, and you’ll try to find it in anyone. You’ll make guys that aren’t good enough for you good enough for you. You set yourself up for disaster. It happens to all of us.” Could it be that J-Woww was actually talking to herself? Physician: Heal thyself.
NEXT: Bizarro-Ronnie invades the house