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Jersey Shore season premiere recap: Attack of the Squirrel Monkeys

The gang returns to Seaside Heights, where new housemate Deena rubs Sammi the wrong way

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Jersey Shore Deena Strips

Jersey Shore

TV Show
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Reality TV

It always comes down to real estate. Sammi and Ron were the first to arrive back at the shore house, so they had first-pick rights on a bedroom. They chose the upstairs three-bedder, because that room is bigger, because it has a nice bathroom, and because it was the only way they could absolutely guarantee that every single person in the house would despise them right away. Like the proverbial last surviving samurai fighting an army of zombie ninjas, Sammi is on a go-for-broke suicide run. Everyone already hates her. Her only hope is to dig her hole so deep that she emerges in Australia, where she can start a new life as an annoying Australian person who everyone hates, and then she can dig up to space and colonize Mars.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Jersey Shore, people! It’s back! Can you believe it? Snooki can. Snooki is feeling very, very happy indeed. At the start of last night’s season premiere, we witnessed a rare vision: Shnookums Triumphant. While the Miami trip was ruinous for the other castmates, Miami was where Snooki finally defeated her old enemy Angelina. Snooki was so happy about her great military victory that she decided to reproduce asexually in the off-season, and the gruesome Cronenberg-esque result was Deena. How to explain Deena, viewers? She’s like Snooki, except without the incredible self-control. Since the other castmates were relatively quiet last night, let’s run down what we learned about Deena, in her own words:

1) “I’m just like a walking holiday!”

Interesting, but ambiguous. Are we talking like Fourth of July or Arbor Day? Washington’s birthday or Polk’s birthday? National holiday or religious holiday that I have to explain to my Jewish friends? (“No, no, no, he was born on Christmas, but he was reborn on Easter. Yes, exactly like ET, except not as preachy.”) Professor Sitch has already reached a conclusion: “Deena would definitely be Thanksgiving, because she’s got a lot to give, and she’s ready for a lot of stuffing.” Oh, viewers, he was so proud of himself for that one. I’m proud of him, too. He made a sentence!

2) “I haven’t had sex in two months!”

Oh dear god, throwing this girl into the Jersey Shore house is like throwing a lit match into a gallon of gasoline, and the gasoline is really horny and is named The Situation.

3) “Mike saw my na-na. It took a day for someone to see my goods.”

First, anyone who refers to her kooka as her na-na is okay in my book, and my book is titled Thank Goodness the World is Ending Tomorrow. Second, I’d like to propose a theory. As the first evening wore on, after a hearty game of Flip Cup (which the guys won narrowly) and a hearty hot tub meltdown (more on that later), Deena announced to everyone that she wanted to find her cowboy hat. Uncle Sitch offered to help her, because that’s the kind of guy he is.

She found the hat, and tried to explain to him…something. I couldn’t make it out. She said something like, “I like having fun in my hat. Hat! No, you can’t do it. My bikini! Deena? Rainbows!” And then, while trying to demonstrate her incredible ability to not accidentally show off her lady parts, she accidentally showed off her lady parts. Sitch’s eyes shot to the ceiling. His mouth dropped to the floor. “Hubba hubba,” he said, “Awoooga!” (I have some exclusive footage of The Situation’s reaction here.)

Anyways, my theory is this: Because Deena is new to the house, and because she has presumably watched the show and thinks she knows what goes on there, she is trying harder to be Snooki than Snooki herself. Which is why Snooki likes her…for now. But you think Snooki and Deena are BFfLes? I’m betting before the end of the season they’ll hate each other. Call it the Mr. Ripley Theorem.

Next: Ronnie and Sammi are like an old married couple, by which I mean miserable and boring

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