Someday, somewhere, somehow — dear God — someone on the Jersey Shore cast is going to have a child. It might have happened already. Why, The Situation has lived a long, full life, and has certainly proven himself capable of convincing many different women of making many different mistakes. (I’m sure you’re all aware of the popular theory currently making the rounds in academia that Vinny is actually Uncle Situation’s bastard child.) The most common critique leveled against Jersey Shore is that it symbolizes nothing less than the end of Western Civilization. Now, this is a silly critique, since we all know Western Civilization actually ended earlier this month, when Drive earned a C- grade from Cinemascore. (By comparison, Cars 2 — that horrifying vision of post-human globalized mediocrity — earned an A-. This modern world is misery. Thank God for Fast Five.)
But even if you believe that the cast of Jersey Shore represents the end of the human species, you still have to make peace with the fact that they will procreate. And their spawn will rule our ruined world. Someday, the sons of Pauly D will battle the daughters of J-Woww for control of whatever remains of North America after global warming and aliens decimate the Earth. Pirate-armies will sail the high seas, plundering unaffiliated islands under the banner of Queen Snooki the First. Monks with shaved heads and badass arm tattoos will spread the Passive-Aggressive Gospel of Vinny throughout the dying planet. And The Situation will walk the earth like Caine in Kung Fu. He’ll use his knowledge of martial arts to provide aid to the little people, while totally creeping out said little people’s underage daughters.
Last night’s episode of Jersey Shore provided a crystal-ball vision of that apocalyptic future. Y’see, Deena thought she had figured out why she’d been so moody. “I missed my period,” she explained. “I had sex right before I came here. I have a feeling I’m pregnant.” She told this to J-Woww in the middle of a Florentine club, just a few hours after Snooki suffered a mini-meltdown over Jionni. So J-Woww did not react well to the news. “This is an atomic bomb waiting to go off,” said J-Woww. Pause to imagine an atomic bomb growing inside of Deena’s belly, being sustained by a steady diet of tequila shots and regret. J-Woww knows an Anti-Christ when she sees one. She made for the pharmacy with all appropriate speed.
“What if I am pregnant!” exclaimed Deena. “I’ve been partying. I’ve been smoking. My parents are gonna kill me!” The drama! You could suddenly picture this strange fourth season of Jersey Shore taking a hard-left turn. (There would be an elaborate “Who’s the Real Father?” plot, which would basically involve Mike claiming to be the father and no one believing him.) Of course, Deena wasn’t pregnant — apocalypse averted, for now.
J-Woww solved that problem, the way she solves most of the house’s problems. J-Woww remains the only real hero in the house, but she’s kind of a tragic hero. Like, her entire purpose is to maintain order — which is why she’s such a good foil for Sitch, whose business is chaos (and cousin, business is booming.) But she can never maintain order. Do you guys remember when they came out with those special editions of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys called Cyber Samurai Mutant Ninja Turtles, which presupposed that the Turtles would still be alive at the end of the 21st century, when climate change had flooded Manhattan and they all had totally badass futuristic armor? And also they traveled back in time to World War II to punch Hitler? (I swear, I am not making this up.) Anyway, my point is: If anyone ever makes a movie called Cyber Samurai Mutant Ninja Mrs. Dalloway, J-Woww should clearly be the star.
NEXT: Snooki asks herself, “Who am I, anyway?”