Here’s the plot outline for every Raymond Carver short story: Drunk people are sad, so they drink more, which makes them sadder. Does that sound like every episode of Jersey Shore? Well, kind of, except that the Jersey Shore cast members have ridiculous expansive vocabularies and caveman hormones, and Raymond Carver characters mostly speak in passive, empty monosyllabic phrases. Basically, if the cast of The Hills drank as much as the cast of Jersey Shore, the result would be a Raymond Carver short story. (Except keep in mind that Carver was writing in the ’70s, when people still felt things, and the ’80s, when people still tried to feel things Life used to be much less complicated before the world ended.)
Last night’s episode, however, pretty much followed the Carver story structure. Snooki woke up in Vinny’s bed with a nasty hangover and a vague sense that something terrible just happened. So she took friendly J-Woww out for some mimosas, just to even out her head a little bit. Snooki said, “Wah wah, Jionni, wah wah,” and J-Woww tried her best to look understanding. J-Woww: “You’ve got to move on.” Snooki ordered another mimosa and daydreamed about Jionni.
Meanwhile, back at the House of Poor Decisions, The Situation continued his season-long descent into paranoia and self-destruction. Like all great dictators who have spent a lifetime chasing away anyone who ever loved them, the Situation has found himself trapped behind the walls of his castle. He is suspicious of everyone. As he should be. Vinny has Pauly; Snooki has J-Woww; Ronnie has Sammi, unfortunately; Deena has the mad hope that she can steal Snooki’s identity and also convince Pauly to love her. Who does Sitch have?
As near as I can figure, Uncle Sitch’s only friend in the world is a heretofore-unseen person known as “The Unit.” (Whenever Mike talks about hanging out with “My boy Unit,” I always picture him strolling down the boardwalk hollering at ladies with an astromech droid.) Last night, Sitch told Ronnie that he had commanded his boy Unit to tell Jionni everything — the whole story about how Snooki hooked up with him. Ronnie told Sammi, and Sammi told Snooki. The Situation acted as if he had discovered something incredible: “There, I proved! Ronnie tells Sammi anything! My mad experiment has succeeded!”
In one respect, though, the experiment failed. Or maybe Sitch was trying to get Snooki to go into a Wolverine-style berserker rage and throw the entire Shore villa in his face. “F— you! F— you! F— you!” screamed Shnookums! She threw everything at him: Bottles, glasswear, half-empty cans of diet soda, Ronnie’s last Xenadrine bottle. She threw a green turtle shell at him, and he dodged it. She threw a red turtle shell at him, which he couldn’t dodge — as we all know, red turtle shells come with a heat-seeking capability — but Uncle Sitch had Star Power, so his health was not affected.
“This was definitely my most well-thought-out evil plan,” said Sitch. “But the prank I pulled was a necessary evil.” Keep in mind, people, this man is a millionaire, so if he wanted to, he could purchase his own island and hunt Man for sport.
NEXT: Snooki fights J-Woww, which is sad, kind of like when The Thing fights Mr. Fantastic. Also, your recapper apologetically announces a ban on pop culture references for the rest of the recap.