Jane the Virgin recap: 'Chapter 69'

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Jane the Virgin

type:
TV Show
genre:
Telenovela, Drama, Comedy
run date:
10/13/14
performer:
Gina Rodriguez
broadcaster:
The CW
seasons:
4
Current Status:
In Season

We gave it a B+

As with any telenovela, we’ve learned to expect huge twists, turns, and big reveals from Jane the Virgin. This episode is no different. Luisa has conjured up an imaginary friend named Carl. Jane is navigating her new relationship with Adam. And Rafael lies on the asphalt with blood dripping from his head, thanks to Katherine barreling into him with her fancy sedan. Here’s hoping his abs were unharmed and that the gash in his forehead produces a manly scar.

Sadly, it’s too soon to tell about the scar with Rafael’s head bandaged up. Petra paces the hospital room while she berates him. Instead of closing the deal with Katherine, he chooses to break up with their one lead to get the Marbella back. When Rafael snaps that he just couldn’t go through with it, Petra rolls her eyes, convinced that the father of her children had been “Villanuevaed.”

Villanuevaed: Suddenly hit by a morality crisis

It looks like Jane got through to Rafael. Great! Now she can move on to bigger and better things, like planning her best friend Lina’s bachelorette party. But instead of phallic decorations and a stripper, Jane is hosting the best 1930s murder mystery combined bachelor/bachelorette party in the history of all parties. This one is totally better than any other murder mystery bachelor/bachelorette parties you may have attended, because Rogelio has come through with costumes, props, and a set. The Marbella never looked so mysterious.

Jane and Adam haul boxes full of props to Lina’s place. She immediately sizes Adam up and down and dares him to mess things up again. When Lina’s fiancé greets Adam, they both feel they have met each other before. A quick social media check confirms that they have several people in common, including Alex, whom Adam used to date. Jane and Lina scrutinize the photo of a hot girl hugging a good-looking guy. They both agree that she is super pretty and are surprised when Adam points out that Alex is the guy.

The fact that Adam is bisexual doesn’t rattle Jane as much as the fact that he never brought it up. Adam casually informs Jane that he never thought it was relevant information, but he also confesses that this revelation has been an issue before with others. Jane laughs. She’s completely fine with his past liaisons. Everyone has exes.

Which leads us to Rafael. Katherine of course tells Luisa that Rafael was using her to get to the Marbella, and Luisa is not happy. Tensions rise when she finds her brother in Petra’s hotel suite. Petra pleads with Luisa to let Rafael stay until he gets better, but Luisa isn’t having it. She claims Rafael deserves what he got since he’s a nasty, horrible person who is obsessed with money and power. Just like their dad.

That last bit stings Rafael, especially when the twins walk in and see him literally broken. Petra ushers them out the door with the nanny to buy something in the gift shop. Another rhinestone turtle, coming up! Alba hears the news from the girls and immediately invites Rafael back to the Villanueva house to recover from his wounds. As Alba sends Mateo to sleep in his mom’s room, Rafael bristles at the sight of Jane. He swallows his pride, tells her she was right, and tags the sentiment with, “I really don’t want to hear ‘I told you so’ right now.” Jane imagines herself Villanuevaing him with love and affection. Instead, she just stands there as he hobbles off to Mateo’s room.

The doorbell jerks Jane into the present, and she’s delighted to find her BFF on the other side of the door. Lina babbles on about Jane spending quality time with Danny so Jane can tell her if he is the one she should marry.

Come again?

Jane asks Lina if they fought or if something bigger happened, but Lina insists that Danny is great. In fact, he’s so perfect that he’s borderline vanilla. They never fight, he’s not spontaneous, and the idea that he even thinks Lina would like a combined murder mystery bachelor/bachelorette party is very concerning. And don’t get her started on the intervention she had with her sisters. They claim she will be divorced by Christmas. Lina is phoning a friend on this one — Jane must tell her what to do.

When Jane calls Xo for advice, her mother is quick to tell Jane what she tells her every time her daughter considers meddling: WALK AWAY FROM THE CONTROVERSY. Xo thinks this is a lose/lose situation. She warns Jane to keep her mouth shut. Then she hangs up the phone, turns to Rogelio, and asks him if he will get a vasectomy. #snip #nevergonnahappen

Back at the Marbella, Jane notices the waiter openly flirting with Adam. She also notices Adam leaning into the compliments. When Adam calls her out on why she’s being weird, she once again claims that all is well. Of course, she confides in her mom that all is most certainly not well. When Xo chimes in with her own relationship problems — it’s not fair, she says, that Rogelio won’t get a vasectomy for her — Alba jumps in with advice. Whens she wanted something from her husband, she simply didn’t wear a bra. Problem solved. (Ivonne Coll’s ever-so-subtle shoulder shimmy after delivering that line was PERFECT!)

Later that day, Lina tricks Jane into spending an afternoon with Danny, and it is torturous. He’s the definition of boring. Jane tries to bond with him, but all roads lead to Dullsville.

Speaking of bonding, Rogelio works hard not to care that Esteban is cardio-bonding with his daughter. Both Ro and Xo are surprised to hear that Darci is already considering baby No. 2. Xo beams, exclaiming that it’s nice Esteban would do anything for Darci. When Esteban leaves, Rogelio turns to Xo and asks her if “snipping” would make her happy. She leans in and whispers sweet nothings in his ear, and that’s when he notices that his wife isn’t wearing a bra. Xo suggests that if she didn’t have to worry about birth control, she could be a lot more free in the bedroom, and Rogelio melts and demands she make an appointment for him as soon as possible. (Recap continues on page 2).

That night, Jane hears a crash and finds Rafael sprawled out on the floor in Mateo’s room. Rafael insists he’s fine, but when Jane Villanuevas her way into the conversation, Rafael begins to cry handsome tears. He tells Jane he feels lost. The hotel, Katherine, money, being compared to his dad, the good fortune that he’s alive, being a father, not knowing what to do — where does it end? Jane holds his hand and tells him that it’s all going to be okay. Family shows up for each other, and she will help him get through this.

Xo couldn’t agree more. She’s showing up for Rogelio and will definitely help him get through the snip (by a doctor who has dealt with many celebrity penises), but Ro backs out last minute. Later, she learns that Rogelio has been depressed now that he has grey hair and things sag more than they used to. A vasectomy seems like the next step into old man territory. Xo understands and drops the snipping talk.

Speaking of backing out, when Lina pressures Jane to tell her what she thinks about Danny, Jane caves. Yes, he’s smart and clearly loves Lina, but conversationally, he’s a brick wall. With that said, she should NOT call off the wedding. Lina can be happy with Melba toast, right?

Across the hotel, Luisa is throwing a fit in her office. Petra’s assistant calls her to report the disturbance and also lets Petra know that she overheard Anezka tell Magda that Luisa was talking to a man named Carl who (dramatic pause) wasn’t there. Petra immediately calls Rafael to tell him the news. By the change in her demeanor, we know there’s more to the story.

Rafael shares with Jane that Luisa had a nervous breakdown during her residency. She hallucinated a woman named Carla. Luisa didn’t believe anyone but her brother when he told her Carla wasn’t real. Now that Carl has shown up and Anezka didn’t actually see him, Rafael must go and convince her that she’s mentally unstable again. Because family shows up.

Later, Jane notices Adam’s boisterous attitude toward his friend. Adam picks up on the awkwardness and feels annoyed by Jane’s insistence that she’s fine when she clearly is not. And when Jane goes home to get ready for the bachelor/bachelorette party, she finds Danny on her porch. He wants to know if Jane thinks Lina has been off. He ticks off a list of things that seem odd to him, and Jane is very impressed with how well he knows her best friend.

The icing on the cake is that Danny has a surprise for Lina. He’s turning the murder mystery party into an old-fashioned phallic party, complete with a stripper. Look at Danny wearing a sequined thong! Jane laughs, ecstatic that Danny does know Lina, which makes Danny wonder if Jane has been sabotaging his good name. Jane admits that she had doubts about their relationship, and Danny balks, telling Jane that he was trying to play it cool for Lina’s “overprotective friend.” He marches off to the party.

Jane dresses in her schoolmarm outfit, and in a lovely cockney accent (it’s important to stay in character) she’s delighted to tell her friend that she was all wrong about Danny. Also, he knows she has doubts. Whoops. Danny makes his way over to their table and point blank asks Lina if she wants to marry him. Her hesitation speaks volumes.

Meanwhile, Rafael speaks to Luisa about how Carl is not real. Luisa isn’t buying it. Anezka has seen him and talked to him. The scene cuts to Luisa asking Anezka if she can see Carl, who is sitting right there beside her. For some reason, Rafael is conveniently not a part of this conversation. Anezka speaks to an empty chair, pretending to greet Carl. Luisa begins to crumble. Why would Anezka say she saw him before and not now? According to Anezka, she didn’t want to embarrass the beautiful doctor.

Back at the party, Jane admits to Lina that she had doubts when she was going to marry Michael. Who cares? Danny is smart, organized, responsible, and nerdy. In fact, Danny is the male version of Jane. And since Linda has had a long relationship with Jane, Danny will easily work out. They exchange affections, and Jane leans in to kiss Lina; she’s brutally rebuffed. Jane calls “lapse in judgement” and smiles as her friend runs off to watch her fiancé strip in front of a roomful of people. Nothing says love like a sparkly green G-string.

You know what else says love? Having things snipped for your wife. After Rogelio’s script calls for him to say goodbye to the kidney stone he’s befriended while traipsing around inside a urinary tract (don’t ask), Rogelio delivers the lines to his own penis instead of the stone. He’s finally ready to move on, in more ways than one. Is this life imitating art?

Later that night, Jane takes Lina’s advice and tells Adam how she really feels. The truth is that she has questions she needs to ask. She wants to know if his bisexuality is on the way to coming out as gay. Adam answers no. Jane admits she’s insecure because she can’t give him what a man can, and Adam reminds her that no other woman can give him what she can, and he chooses to be with her, in a monogamous relationship. It looks like Adam is going to be around for a few more episodes at least. Are we happy about this?

I’m afraid Luisa will not be around. She shows up at the Villanueva house to let her brother know that the dude standing behind her, an actual dude everyone can see, is escorting her to a psychiatric hospital. She’s glad Rafael reached out and wants to give him back his shares in the Marbella. Rafael wants Luisa to know that he didn’t do that to make her change her mind. Luisa smiles; Rafael showing up for his family is exactly why she wants him to have the shares.

Hooray! Sign the papers and let’s make things official!

Not so fast. The next day, Petra and Rafael stare wide-eyed as their lawyer pushes the paperwork back in their direction. Due to Luisa’s mental state, they can’t agree to any contractual agreement. Therefore, it will revert to the original agreement she signed six weeks ago. Anezka is the new owner of the Marbella, and she’s currently celebrating with her mother and a guy who looks exactly like Carl.

Now that’s low. And pretty much the opposite of Villanuevaing someone.

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