There comes a very special time in a woman’s life when she’s surrounded by close friends and family, accessorized with a bright sash, and directed to drink fruity cocktails using phallic-shaped straws. It’s a time for celebration and often debauchery, all to celebrate the arrival of particularly poignant period. What am I talking about? The bachelorette party, duh!
This episode was all about Jane’s bachelorette party and kicked off with our leading lady being very clear about her no-go list: No strip clubs, cheesy bars, or penis stuff. Instead, she wants a group mani-pedi session followed by a super-elegant dinner. Satisfied that she’s made her wants clear, Jane heads to school, where she’s unexpectedly asked to fill in for a TA on the glorious text that is Don Quixote. Everything is going well — even with her step-twin sisters Valeria and Victoria in the classroom — when a Don Quixote impersonator/stripper suddenly strolls in. While his abs are definitely cut (yum!), his dance moves land Jane in major trouble with her supervising professor. Uh-oh. Though there’s no immediate verdict on her future at the school, Jane is definitely in the dumps. Good thing she has the bach party coming up!
…Which turns out to be like nothing she expected, with shots galore, party beads, and a seriously tricked-out party bus courtesy of Lina and Xo. However, with the assurance that the baby is being taken care of and that her shift is covered, Jane decides to live a little. With all she’s been through, she deserves it — her first real rager since her “epic” 21st birthday. (Which, as a reminder, is when she met Michael.)
But you know who’s not slurping back shots and dancing up a storm? That’d be Michael and his bros, who are sitting at a five-course dinner complete with a pink champagne toast for his bachelor party. For the record, this wasn’t Michael’s idea – it was Rogelio, who totally invited himself to the event and decided to host it, too. It’s basically the worst night ever, especially since Michael is definitely not comfortable with the idea of a night that includes time at the sauna and a two-hour massage. Unfortunately, his friends let it slip that they’re bored, and Rogelio gets wind of it. As you can imagine, Rogelio’s totally crushed at the idea that the bachelor party can’t be an opportunity for increasing bonding between him and Michael. However, Michael sweetly — and apologetically — shares that his anxiety over the night stems from the idea that boundaries are necessary and that he doesn’t feel comfortable being the person he is around his friends with his future father-in-law. Sounds like a sound argument, and Rogelio gets it. Also, there’s the fact that the brahs decided they actually prefer relaxing massages over a crowded bar, so all’s well, ends well, I guess?
NEXT: “We at the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn”
Meanwhile, back at Jane’s bachelorette party, Xo has enacted a phone ban. It’s the perfect plan, meant to help Jane loosen up without fear that her antics will end up on Instagram. But being phone-less can only go for so long, and Jane decides to check her phone. (With the caveat from Xo that the phone stays in Xo’s hands so that Jane can’t take the phone back into her possession.) There’s a voicemail! Professor Blake has left a message saying that her job is safe, which prompts a few lines from Xo about how if that hadn’t been the case, she would have sent a stripper to his house to take the pole out of his ass. This being a telenovela she accidentally recorded the whole missive as a voicemail for Professor Blake. Talk about a major oops!
Jane leaps to action with a crazy plan that she’s not quite sober enough to execute: She wants to get her hands on Professor Blake’s phone and erase the voicemail. But like I said, she’s not sober enough to carry out her elaborate scheme, so she employs her sort-of-stepsisters to go to the school campus on her behalf. (To be fair, she provides the bachelorette party bus as transportation. Super courteous, that one.) The plan works, and Jane niftily deletes the voicemail — just as the professor’s #FindMyPhone alert goes off and moments before he spots her with it. That was a seriously close call!
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Back on the bus, Jane gets the unexpected update that her mom lost all the phones she had collected and is doing some damage control of her own. It’s enough to send Jane, a self-described control freak, into a tailspin, but with Michael’s encouragement, she decides to sip some shots instead. (He and his boys had joined the girls in a big co-ed afterparty at the Marbella.)
Here’s the big fat truth: Jane has always wanted a big, crazy bachelorette, but her mom’s wild habits acted as a deterrent. How can Jane ever let go, knowing that her mom is a wild card, a liability even? Luckily, knowing that Michael will lovingly look after her helps Jane relax, so much so that she eventually slips into “Sweet Lady Jane” mode, enacting full-on rap numbers in a blond wig. (Well, at least she thinks that what she’s doing since in reality she’s drunkenly swinging her arms in the air without much rhythm.) But the fun only lasts for so long when she sees her mom making out with Lina’s crush Chad in the hallway. That’s strike two — is Xo serious right now?! #Rude
NEXT: A long-lost sibling suddenly appears
Meanwhile, Petra is in the depths of postpartum depression and has lied to Rafael about being on meds. Can he take the babies off her hands for the night, she asks. He’s happy to oblige. After all, having two night nurses means that he doesn’t really have to do anything — and she’s left to carry out her latest scheme, which involves a packed suitcase. It seems as though she’s taking her mother’s advice to leave her babies, but does she really have it in her to abandon them? In subsequent scenes where Petra dyes her hair mousy brown and boards a bus, it certainly seems that’s the case. But wait: In a change of heart, she returns to the Marbella to knock on a door. Is she about to ask Jane for support? Or maybe she’ll come clean to Rafael about how she feels? Neither scenario proves to be the case when blond Petra opens the door. Wait, Petra has a twin? Who is the “real” Petra? And what’s all this talk about finally reuniting? And this new brown-haired chick has an accent? Mind. Blown.
While Petra (is that even her real name?) is dealing with a mysterious twin sister and new-mama guilt, her baby daddy, Rafael, is spending some QT with his long-lost brother, Derek. Under the guise of doing some bonding, Rafael is doing his best to figure out his brother’s backstory. He’s even gone so far as to hire a private investigator to review the GPS on his brother’s boat. (Totally against Michael’s advice, by the way.) Records show that his brother’s alibi checks out, which seems to remove any possibility of criminal intent on his part. So is he as innocent as he seems? The jury’s still out on that one, especially when, the next morning, Rafael wakes up to dozens of bank alerts that reveal that he’s made millions after following up on crooked tip from one of the guys hanging out with him and his brother. Did Derek set him up? Is this part of an elaborate blackmail scheme? What if the police get wind of Rafael’s insider trading? Could this play a part in the ongoing investigation of their mother?
While all the story lines this episode have struck an emotional chord — what with themes of identity, responsibility and missed opportunity looming large — a tear-jerker moment comes at the close of the episode, when Xo apologies to Jane for her behavior. Why? Well, it’s not too sincere: A flashback reveals that Xo delivered the same lines four years ago after getting drunk at Jane’s 21st birthday. And it shows a complete lack of maturity. “This is why I didn’t want you at my bachelorette party,” Jane says angrily. “I knew you would act like a drunk sorority girl.” Will Xo wake up and face the music? What kind of impact will this have on her relationship with Jane?
With a sweet moment between Michael and Jane to wrap up the night — the two swap vows in an adorably intimate scene — it’s clear that, despite any peripheral drama, the wedding is definitely still on. Let the official wedding countdown commence!
Burning questions, stray observations, and memorable one-liners:
- Did anyone else appreciate the gratuitous shots of Michael in a towel? Take that, Team Rafael!
- This episode painted a sad picture of Xo: immature, selfish and regrettably, a little less than super-smart in her decision-making. What will it take for her to grow up — and for Jane to finally let go of her role as the responsible one in their relationship?
- “Grappa is a digestive. It’s to be sipped, not chugged like a shot of cheap tequila.” —Rogelio
- “This is our chance to be like the Olsen twins. But less depressing, and without Mary-Kate’s weird old French guy.”
- We’re at three twin story lines in the series and counting (Roman and Aaron Zazo; Valeria and Victoria; Petra and Rafael’s daughters). I need y’all to break it down: What do you think is the significance behind the twist that Petra has a long-lost twin?
- It seems like, in one swoop, Xo has damaged her relationship with Jane and her mother, who was disappointed to see her daughter so drunk yet again. Is it time for Alba to have a heart-to-heart of her own with Xo?
So guys, what’s your take on the episode? Is Derek a good guy — or is he cooking up a major scheme? What’s the deal with Petra’s long-lost twin? Do you think Jane will make it to the altar? And did you notice that Rafael didn’t make one mention of Jane the entire hour? Could he finally be over his baby momma? Share your take with me in the comments below or on Twitter!