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''The Hills'' season finale recap: Serial offender

The season finale leaves us mildly curious as to whether Lauren and Lo will lose Audrina as a housemate and whether Spencer will move back in with Heidi

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Lauren Conrad, The Hills

The Hills

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
runtime:
225 minutes
performer:
Lauren Conrad
distributor:
Paramount Home Video
genre:
Reality TV

”The Hills” season finale recap: Serial offender

Immediate reaction after watching last night’s season finale of The Hills: lame. It’s blunt, I know, but can anyone out there argue with me? Sure, it was nice that the show didn’t end with a typical ridiculous cliff-hanger (you know, like, will Lauren go to Paris or spend the summer with Jason?), but it didn’t wrap everything else up neatly with a bow either.

Take the situation with Audrina, for example. Since she moved into a mini-mansion with Lauren and Lo, her friendship with Lauren has disintegrated faster than you could say Justin Bobby. Last week she poured her little heart out to J. Bob, and his advice was to start looking for a new place. So, last night, she did just that. She started at the Little Toyko Lofts (which, yes, I did look up, and I am kind of annoyed to report back that those lofts can go for up to $1.2 million — really, where in the world does she get her money?), but she was hesitant when she realized how far she would be (literally and figuratively) from her old life. I don’t really see what her big rush to move out of her ”château” is anyway. It’s a pretty ideal situation — she has her own house next to a pool, she’s able to decorate it however she wants, and she knows her neighbors aren’t sketchy voyeurs. Obviously she feels uncomfortable living on the same premises with two girls who constantly leave her out, but there’s no rule saying all roommates have to be best friends (contrary to what Lo says). In fact, I don’t believe best friends should ever live together because of the inevitable inane arguments about things like bills and toilet paper; sometimes roommates are better off just being roommates and nothing more. I know, I know: Lauren and Lo’s gushing during the live after show last night (”It’s like a slumber party every night!”) contradicts what I just said, but you just wait; there will be a fight between them somewhere down the line.

Anyway, back to Audrina. Lauren told Whitney (while the two were — gasp! — actually working at People’s Revolution) that she basically never sees Audrina and she doesn’t know what she did to cause a rift. Ever the perfect confidante, Whitney, of course, knew exactly what the problem was: Because Lauren and Lo are ”like sisters,” maybe Audrina doesn’t want to ”intrude or impose” on them. ”The thing is, the thing that we have in common is that we live together,” Lauren said after Whitney suggested she sit down and talk to Audrina. ”So if you take that out of the equation, I don’t even know how close we would remain.” I was a little surprised by how perceptive this was. Lauren usually handles drama by taking things either too personally or not personally enough. This time, however, she was honest even with the cameras rolling. Amen!

NEXT: Lauren and Lo get crabby with Audrina

Later on, Lauren and Lo cooked a crab dinner, which they had invited Audrina to come to, but she went out instead. The apparent dis added fuel to the fire, and eventually Lauren felt compelled to confront Audrina in her top-secret pool house. After bickering over whether or not Lauren had been ignoring Audrina because of Lo, Audrina mentioned it was nice of Lauren to have invited her to the seafood fiesta, but she had already had plans. ”I know I don’t tell you everything all the time,” Audrina said. ”You don’t have to tell me everything,” said Lauren, ”but you don’t tell me anything anymore….I’m here all the time, you can walk in there.” ”It’s not about you, you know,” replied Audrina. ”I just feel like Lo is the one pushing us apart.” Then, after shedding an awfully real tear (or was that just my own interpretation?) and insisting that Lo has done nothing wrong, Lauren got up and walked back over to her house to the tune of Missy Higgins’ soulful and symbolic track ”Where I Stood.” (Those clever MTV producers — they just think of every which way to conk you over the head with a theme, don’t they?) I’m guessing this melancholy ending is supposed to leave us wondering what will happen to the ALL house next season. (I might have to rename it the L-Squared house.) After all, during the after show, when Audrina was asked how her living situation was going, she said, ”Things are still unraveling….I don’t want to give too much away.” Oh, please, the next season doesn’t air till August! I don’t know whether to think it’s sad or endearing that these girls actually still believe that their plotlines (a.k.a. their life, or, well, what we’re supposed to believe is their life anyway) won’t get leaked all over the Internet and celebrity weeklies long before the season premiere is even edited.

Speaking of leaked information, back in March, People reported that during a Vegas excursion, Heidi and Spencer stayed in different hotels. Oh, the horror! At the time it seemed this was simply a shameless attempt to get press for the new Palazzo Hotel, but now it’s clear this leak was also intended establish Speidi’s story line for this season. We were all supposed to believe that they were fighting, giving each other space, going on relationship vacation, or whatever the excuse of the week was, but alas, we were all (hopefully) smarter than that. So in order to not give them any more excessive publicity (I mean, can we discuss how they even exploited Mother’s Day?), I’m going to limit my recap of their shenanigans in the finale to this: In Sin City, Heidi toted around a notepad and said ”okay” about 600 times while touring the Palazzo with the SBE bigwigs; meanwhile Spencer, ignoring his sister’s wise advice to ”think really hard before you do something stupid,” had driven to Vegas and persuaded Stephanie to find out where Heidi was so he could stalk her. (Apparently Heidi had time to answer the phone during her ”important” meeting but not to sneak away for two minutes.) He prevailed, and Heidi got mad and rattled off nonsense like ”It’s only convenient for you. You break up with me when you want.” Huh? Wasn’t she the one who was over it? Then, with one last pathetic plea by Spencer (”Just come back to L.A. with me”), Heidi blew off the private jet (yeah, because holding up her bosses’ plane wouldn’t get her fired in real life) to head back to Cali in Spencer’s car. And this is when the credits rolled.

NEXT: The season’s top five moments

See what I mean? Lame! Not sure how many of you caught the special sneak preview of season 4 during the after show (if you didn’t, go here), but even that left me uninspired. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t want any of you to think I’m abandoning The Hills; I just think that in season 4, MTV should really take the focus off the girls’ fictional personal lives and put it on things like Audrina filming her new movie, Lauren creating her fall line, and Lo walking Chloe and being attacked by paparazzi. Heck, I’ll even take Heidi recording a new song. Anything but the exaggerated and drawn-out drama we witnessed this season.

Okay, so not everything about these past eight weeks was dull. Here are my top five favorite moments:

5. Kelly Cutrone stepped into Lisa Love’s shoes as the season’s assertive boss and kicked off her reign with this speech: ”What’s expected of you,” she said, ”is complete devotion. So any kind of concepts of, like, nine-to-five L.A. — not happening here. I would plan to be here every night until at least 11 o’clock. You’re going to wear all black, I don’t want to see your boobs, I don’t want to see any piercings. If you have tattoos, I don’t really care; I don’t want to see them. Do not roll your eyes at me. Do not question what it is we’re asking of you to do. I’m not here to be your friend.”

4. After an in-depth conversation at work about Lauren, Bolthouse employee Kimberly said to Heidi, ”Yeah, I’m working on Coachella,” and Heidi’s response was ”Okay, I’ll schedule it in” — proving that Heidi doesn’t actually do any real work but merely thinks she does because she knows a few clutch ”professional” phrases.

3. Stephanie Pratt offered a genius excuse to Heidi as to why she could be friends with Lauren: ”Like, we do have fashion in common.”

2. Justin Bobby came back with a vengeance — and a haircut.

1. In Paris, Lauren decided to sew a removable hem into her super-duper expensive Crillon Ball gown and wear it out to a club. She avoiding getting stains on it while on the town but still ended up ruining the dress the next day with her curling iron. Naturally, a manager at Alberta Ferretti gladly handed over a brand-new one, without even giving Lauren a slap on the wrist.

Until we meet again, TV Watchers, tell me below what moments were in your top five. Are you with me on the lame factor of the finale, or did you actually enjoy it? What did you think of the pre-show and after show: unnecessary or kind of enlightening? Finally, is it just me, or did Lauren and Lo’s puppy grow a lot from last week’s episode to last night’s?