‘The Hills’ recap: Trying not to make waves
Before we get into last night’s super boring episode (boring because there was nothing new for us to chew on — we get it: Spencer craves loyalty, Heidi craves makeup remover, Audrina craves a-holes, and Lauren, well she’s probably craving more screen time since she aint getting a whole lot lately…other than spouting off words of “wisdom” on thankless relationships), can we discuss the special that aired this past weekend, The Hills: The Lost Scenes? If you didn’t happen to catch it, then I’ll bet MTV will air it at least 10 more times this week (it’s MTV after all. They repeat their telecasts practically every hour on the hour), so make sure to watch it because it’s worth it. I learned so much from the one-hour special that I’m beginning to think they should just stop airing new episodes of The Hills and just start airing never-before seen footage from now on — it’s just so juicy.
Take Heidi’s birthday during season 2 for example. We did see Heidi (pre-plastic surgery, natch) and Lauren at the salon getting ready for Heidi’s big night and gossiping about whether or not Heidi was cool with Audrina even coming to her party (remember, this is around the time when Spencer was playing both girls), but what we didn’t see was what Lauren gave Heidi for her birthday: a Chanel tote bag. I don’t know about you guys, but for some reason this made my mouth drop so far down, that I practically needed someone to come pick it up for me. Okay, so Lauren’s always been a rich girl, but seriously who in their early 20’s spends that much (a brand new, authentic Chanel handbag start upwards of $1,000, so I can only imagine how much a larger-sized tote rang up) on your — yup, I’m going to use the phrase — best friend? And for that matter, who, at anytime in their lives, can spend that much on a birthday present (celebrities excluded)? If any of you out there are nodding your heads and thinking, “I can!” then by all means, share your financial secrets in the message board! If you’ll recall, Spencer also gave Heidi a Chanel bag as a present last season, so with this new piece of information in mind, it seems Lauren was stealing Spencer’s thunder long before he even realized it.
Also shown on The Lost Scenes was a double date between Speidi and Brody and Lauren. Yeah, how ’bout that? They were all actually quite civil toward each other, and I even caught Lauren laughing at a few of Spencer’s lame jokes. True, it felt eerily like an alternate universe (one that I’m sure many of us are happy isn’t a reality), but it was still nice to remember what Heidi was like before she became a fembot. She used to smile, and she used to have an actual personality — it’s disconcerting when you look at her today. (Even Jordan, her ex from the first season, agrees: “Since dating Spencer, Heidi’s whole mentality has changed — everything has changed,” he recently said during an E! interview. “It’s almost indescribable…She’s done a total 180, and I think it’s so sad.”)
NEXT: Speidi’s dinner date
Last night, the fair-haired spawns of Satan tried their hands at double dating again, this time with Stephanie and her new boyfriend, Cameron. She-Pratt was initially nervous about embarking on this adventure because she was scared that Spencer would say something mean during the meal. Spencer act rude? As if! Heidi, who’s had plenty of experience in the family-disapproval department, tried to console Stephanie with this advice: “Even if your family didn’t like him, that couldn’t change everything, you know? Spencer and my mom don’t get along too well but that doesn’t change my opinion. My mom’s not dating him.” Oh, Heidi, we want to laugh at how naïve you are, we really do, but come on — your advice sucks.
Stephanie and Cameron showed up 40 minutes late to the dinner, which only added to the ever-growing chip on Spencer’s shoulder. I don’t even think I saw him extend his hand to greet Cameron, nor do I think Speidi waited for their dining mates to order their food (unless that was bad editing and everyone at the table did, in fact, have a plate in front of them). Cameron seemed like a decent guy giving Stephanie compliments and such (“She makes me laugh a lot”), so what was up with the constant grilling from across the table? “I have an important question,” Heidi said. I was hoping maybe she’d follow up that statement with: “What drew you to Stephanie?” or, heck, “What’s your take on the war?,” but instead she asked, “So, have you met Brody and them?” Cameron actually had met “Brody and them,” about four or five years ago, and I’m wondering why that even matters? Oh, that’s right because Speidi has nothing better to talk about. Spencer segued the conversation toward Stephanie dating Doug, which she insisted “never happened.” (By the way, how does any of this matter? If this Cameron dude has heard of Google, then surely he’d searched for dirt on his new girlfriend long before the double date, right?) The next day, Stephanie confronted her bro about being a giant a– and he told her she should appreciate that he’s even acknowledging her presence. He also uttered something about the word “loyal,” but I was too distracted by that animal growing on his face to pay closer attention.
Over in Cabo San Lucas, where Lauren, Audrina, and “Brody and them” had jetted off to for Brody’s birthday, Audrina and Justin Bobby’s relationship (or, really, lack there of) was the focus. Corey couldn’t make it because he was on some sort tour, so that left the poor, vulnerable girl open to all kinds of immature shenanigans by J. Bob. The shenanigans were partly off set by a meeting of the
pig-headed male minds at the pool, during which Frankie blabbed about Audrina’s new boyfriend, Brody claimed he’d be pissed off if he were in Justin Bobby’s motorcycle boots, Doug used the word “shady” (no, not to refer to himself), and J. Bob played all innocent and victimized. It’s not like this Corey info was new to him, so how girly was that of him to prod for more info?
NEXT: Girls, girls, girls
At a group dinner that night, J. Bob, who was rocking a very Brandon Walsh-esque hairstyle, tried to remain unaffected when he inquired why Audrina didn’t want to stay in a room with him. Hello, two words: hall pass. The hall pass was put into immediate effect when Doug’s “presents” (a.k.a. “sleazies”) for Brody arrived on premise. Enter a dozen or so energetic young girls. Uh, did Douglas call 1-888-I-Want-To-Go-Wild-On-MTV or something? Or was that line busy and he was forced to ring up 1-800-No-Conversation-Necessary to look for girls? I laughed when Lauren said to Audrina, “Let’s go make friends with those girls. It will be so much fun. Come on,” because I would’ve loved to see them even try.
Audrina and J. Bob’s tension came to a head when he stole a flower hair tie that Corey had given her. She told him to grow up and walked away. Later, Lauren tried to tell Audrina that it’s time to let Justin go if she really wants to pursue a relationship with Corey. But Audrina kept arguing that it’s hard and she still loves the brooding bastard. Of course, it’s hard, but honestly, what sort of redeeming qualities does JB have other than he can play middle school with you by taking your ponytail holder and refusing to give it back? Unfortunately, from the scenes for next week’s episode, it looks like the next Audrina-Justin Bobby cycle of torture — er, I mean love — is about to begin.
On a related note, I wanted to say thank you to TV Watcher Mary for bringing The Bonnie Hunt Show to our attention last week because I want to personally applaud Bonnie for not only attempting to get Speidi to discuss their “unhealthy relationship” on her show, but for sending this message to Audrina (after playing a clip of last week’s bikini top strip show): “You can have a young man look at you who is very attracted to you and finds you very sexy, but he can also love and respect the qualities of you as a woman. You don’t need just one or the other and I know it’s fun to be with this bad boy but please, dear god, choose to grow out of it as fast as you can!”
On that note, folks, I turn the recap over to you. What did you think of Stephanie’s new guy? What was up with Brody having such beef with him in the scenes for next week? Do you even care anymore who Audrina dates? Finally, just how many tank tops do you think Doug owns?