”The Hills” recap: Romance is hard
Cute was the word of the day on The Hills last night. When the girls were all getting ready to go out to the sports bar to meet their trainer, Jarett, Lauren checked out Whitney’s outfit and said, ”Cute, lady!” As he walked into the bar, Whitney said, ”Jarett’s so cute.” Checking the new couple out, Audrina said, ”They’re so cute together.” And later, when a weary Heidi came home, Spencer surprised her by saying, ”We’re going to Las Vegas to get married. I got us the honeymoon suite!” Er, wait. One of these things is not like the others.
Since last night’s episode centered on Speidi’s wedding blues, I’ll begin by saying that Spencer’s desire to get hitched immediately is either completely out-of-touch or just plain immature. It’s not like purchasing arcade games, or even a ring, for that matter — you don’t just go out and do it. Watching Speidi discussing marriage plans was painful. ”I say we elope to Cabo,” said Spencer, which would be about the same as the dentist asking me, ”Now can’t I just drill a hole through your back molar?” Ouch. No.
And Heidi’s response — basically, guys don’t care, I’m a girl, I do what I want — was also astonishingly dysfunctional. True, she seems to have resigned herself to doing all the work for the wedding, wisely noting Spencer’s ineptitude concerning these matters, but more important, she acted like she did not want him involved at all. She got defensive about her bridal magazines, then hyper-dramatically slipped off her ring on the coffee table. C’mon, guys. I hate to say this, because I didn’t think too highly of the movie, but these two could benefit from the kind of counseling Robin Williams provided in the Mandy Moore comedy License to Wed. My ears perked up when I overheard the pastor at the church say that premarital counseling is required before the ceremony. Could we drop in on these sessions, please? Learn the secrets to a successful union? Now that, MTV, would be truly fascinating, and probably only 25 percent scripted. Sweet.
I’m also starting to feel that Heidi treats Spencer more like a brother or a young child than a boyfriend. Maybe it’s because Spencer insists on speaking in this weird, haunting, singsong voice when he’s attempting to finagle things. He ends up acting like a puppy that has done something wrong: Waiting for Heidi all day to come home, he prepares something for her (suitcases, honeymoon suite), but after realizing his owner’s disapproval, he whimpers off into a dark corner. Only to come back the next morning with his tail between his legs, bearing a gift. Did I really just compare Spencer to a bitch? Yes, I did.
NEXT: Lauren’s catty side
For all the cuteness in the show, insincerity ran rampant throughout. When Whitney and the ladies were preparing for their big night out, Lauren rummaged through her Teen Vogue pal’s sparse makeup collection, then remarked to Audrina, ”She really wears like no makeup.” ”She doesn’t need it,” said Audrina, who was primping in the mirror (the only thing I remember her doing all night.” ”Ah, to be a natural beauty,” said Lauren. I sensed a tinge of jealousy in her expression, that glare of smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes — a small but growing envy. Let’s fast-forward to the coffee scene after the date for more evidence. LC drilled Whitney harder than Jarett ever could: “Did he dress up? The shoes? Do you think he got friend vibe from you? Or do you think he likes you? Wait, how’d you end it? Did you kiss him?” I half expected Lauren to start shouting, “Drop down to the floor and give me five! Now!” Maybe it’s because Lauren is so used to her friends being besieged by hanger-ons and manipulators that she can’t fathom the idea of normalcy around her. Or maybe Lauren is used to being the one shaking off the male attention. Or maybe she was a bit pissed, because the camera spent more time on Whitney last night than on her. Either way: awkward.
But why exactly would Lauren be jealous about Whitney? The girl is beautiful, to be sure, but her on-screen formula of two-thirds innocent, one-third chirpy-chirpy (”uh-huh, yeah, really?”) is a bit dull. Perhaps Jarett felt the same during their intense round of dates, because he kept on firing questions at her. Or maybe that’s because the dude got no game. Who asks questions like ”So what’s your sign?” only to follow up with ”I feel like that’s the biggest question” on a date. Please. Also? Their hike on Runyon Canyon offered up beautiful, sweeping views of Los Angeles, but again, Jarett took no advantage of the potentially romantic situation. Instead, he asked her to do jumping jacks. But then he didn’t even pay her any attention while she was exercising. After witnessing this, I wondered what kind of damage this might do to Jarett’s career, but then I remembered an article I read about the rising trend of women having crushes on their personal trainer — in which case, Jarett will probably be just fine.
What did you think, TV Watchers? Was last night’s installment a snoozefest for you too? Would you take Spencer back so easily after he showed such disrespect for your feelings? And what do you make of Lauren’s apparent envy concerning Whitney?