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'The Hills' recap: On the move

Audrina goes out on her own and hopes it will bring her closer to Justin Bobby, while Heidi makes a bad move and winds up losing her job

Posted on

Lauren Conrad

The Hills

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
runtime:
225 minutes
performer:
Lauren Conrad
distributor:
Paramount Home Video
genre:
Reality TV

‘The Hills’ recap: On the move

It’s Election Day, TV Watchers, and there’s no better way to escape the nationwide presidential mania than by focusing on something mind-numbing what happened last night on The Hills: a whole lot of, well, nothing. Okay, so Audrina moved out, but we already knew that was coming about a month and a half ago; Heidi lost her job, but, let’s be honest, did anyone out there actually believe she was seriously employed by Bolthouse anyway?; and Justin Bobby continued to prove that he doesn’t know how to communicate without being completely ambiguous.

So what does this all add up to? For one, a show that has become so predictable that nothing seems organic anymore. It was suspicious, for instance, that Lauren didn’t seem more shocked and/or disappointed when Audrina announced she was moving out. Plus, Audrina said she was moving that weekend, which also seemed odd because who can find a place, pack up their stuff, hire movers, move their stuff, etc., etc., all in the span of a few days (and in L.A. no less)? It’s not like Audrina was moving into a ratty apartment in a lackluster neighborhood, so she obviously had to do some digging to find that gem. And yes, I am calling it a gem — regardless of how it compares with Lauren’s house — because that place was gorgeous and made me question how the heck dull, naive Audrina could afford it (oh, that’s right, she scored a role in the blockbusters Into the Blue 2 and Sorority Row). Keep in mind, however, that my entire NYC apartment could probably fit into her plush kitchen, so my judgment on quality housing may be a little off. Even so, why couldn’t the MTV cameras be let in on Audrina’s house-hunting adventure? That would’ve been so entertaining because we would’ve been forced to watch Audrina try to work with numbers and use big words, like “mortgage” and “property tax.” I smell a spin-off in the works!

Apparently Audrina wanted to move into her own place not only to gain independence from the Blonde Ambition Tour (a.k.a. Lauren and Lo) but also to “rekindle that flame” with Justin Bobby. Audrina, along with her visions of romance and candles, explained to her tattoo-clad sister, Casey (seriously, were those tattoos or sleeves on a shirt?), that her new living quarters would allow her to frolic freely with Justin Bobby and not have to worry about things like waking up the dog. Uh, didn’t Audrina have the entire guesthouse to herself before? It’s not like she was sleeping on a bunk bed in the same room as Lauren and Lo, and, hello, it’s not like having roomies stopped her from floating in the pool topless, so I’m going to disregard her lame excuses. Casey then rightfully inquired, “You bought this for Drina, right? Not so, Drina and Justin could…” Casey trailed off, but what I suspect she was going to say was “Not so Drina and Justin could live happily ever after?”

That was precisely what Drina was hoping for, Casey dear. In fact, earlier in the episode, the new homeowner asked J. Bob if he’d consider moving in, and he said, “Let it just happen and see what happens.” I could feel Audrina’s despair through her dead eyes when J. Bob gave that vague response, but in his defense (wow, never actually thought I would use those words in reference to J. Bob), does she really think that’s the way to go about asking a guy like him (read: childish idiot) to move in — over dinner and out of nowhere? I mean, the dude just blew you off in Cabo and stole your hair tie. What about his behavior gives off the I-am-ready-to-commit-and-move-in-with-my-maybe-girlfriend vibe?

NEXT: Speidi weighs in

While Audrina was off redecorating her life, Lauren and Lo were busy talking to their fish, Cleo, and mourning the impending loss of their roommate. Lo, who wondered aloud if Justin Bobby would ever forgive her for naming him that (probably not, but she could totally make money if she trademarks it!), tried to reassure Lauren that Audrina’s departure wasn’t going to change their friendship at all. However, when the moving trucks were loading Audrina’s stuff later on, it became evident just how different the three girls’ attitudes really were: Lauren looked genuinely sad, Audrina looked eager to get the hell out of there, and Lo looked relieved (and was probably chanting “Hallelujah” in her head).

Also relieved by Audrina’s decision to fly the coop? Speidi. At the opening of the new club XIV (that spells 14, for those of you Roman numeral-ly challenged), Speidi, along with Stephanie and Casey, toasted to Audrina’s newfound “freedom.” J. Bob, dressed in his most refined hooded sweatshirt, was also in attendance and was none too pleased with Spencer’s line of questioning. “Are you two going to move in together or what?” Spencer asked. “What’s up with that because I know when Heidi and I moved in together [gives Heidi three kisses], it was the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.” [Insert Justin Bobby’s blank expression here.]

The aforementioned crew at XIV was invited by Heidi, who was supposed to be working the event instead of socializing. I wanted to throw something at her (maybe a Blackberry?) at the beginning of the episode when she brashly told her coworker Kimberly that she was going to take it upon herself to add Spencer and a few others to the guest list. Kimberly tried to remind her that the opening was going to be “high stress” because it was a big deal for SBE bigwigs Brent and Sam, but of course Heidi didn’t care.

Enter Heidi’s new pal: tequila. She spent so much time with this friend at the opening that she felt the need to declare, “I’m so wasted!” just as her boss Sam was walking toward her. “Are we still working here tonight?” he asked. “Are you?” she interjected. Spencer, making matters worse as usual, then offered Sam a shot, and my jaw dropped in astonishment. The two of them prove that skipping college and jumping into the workforce (well, in Heidi’s case) doesn’t make you automatically a professional. Learning to be tactful is the first step in that direction.

Brent laid into Heidi for drinking at the club opening, and all she could do was offer up BS explanations like “We were working so hard all night, so I thought everything would be okay.” It wasn’t okay, so Brent fired her. For all the indiscretions this girl has had at Bolthouse — showing off inappropriate amounts of cleavage and leg; blowing off her bosses in Vegas to drive back to L.A. with Spencer, etc. — this is what she gets fired for? Much like Audrina’s hasty move-out “deadline,” this scenario is also fishy. I mean, Heidi didn’t look remotely fazed when she was canned (in the past, she’s at least tried to fake her reactions to bad news even if it means looking like a rotten actress), so it was obviously all planned ahead of time. I wonder if SBE and Bolthouse just had enough of the cameras in their offices? Or if Heidi was getting too big for her britches there? I’m going to vote on the latter.

(On a related note, I came across an article that states that “the whole [XIV event] was completely orchestrated….Tthe [MTV] producers gave lots of acting direction….Some conversations took several takes.” It also mentions that Sam, the CEO of SBE, was palling around with Spencer. Interesting, huh? I don’t, however, think that Spencer and Heidi were faking their level of intoxication, as evidenced by this video from that same night.)

It’s your turn to commentate below, TV Watchers. Tell me: Do you buy the whole Heidi-was-fired-over-drinking-at-the-club drama? What do you think about the way she was acting (regardless of whether or not her job was ever legit)? What do you think of Audrina’s exit from the château? Is her friendship with Lauren doomed? Finally, did you also laugh out loud a little bit when Stephanie told Lauren that Spencer likes Justin Bobby? D-bags need to stick together, right?