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''The Hills'' recap: The girls get strong

Lauren refuses to let Brody keep playing her, and Heidi finally stands up to Spencer; plus, Audrina goes home with a non-Justin guy

Posted on

Jeff Lipsky

The Hills

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
225 minutes
Lauren Conrad
Paramount Home Video
Reality TV

”The Hills” recap: The girls get strong

Call me crazy, but last night’s episode of The Hills cheered me — and my feminist attitude — up. Maybe it was Heidi’s long-overdue stand-up to Spencer, or Lauren’s no-bulls— radar, but the girls suddenly revealed unusual strength in dealing with the usual suspects. (Audrina is included in this assessment, since J. Bob’s ghost will always live on the show, bless his soul.)

Lauren finished the episode way ahead, in my book. First, she was more scraggly looking than usual, which is a weird thing to admire. But recently it’s been annoying me that Audrina and Heidi always have perfect makeup, tossing their perfectly blow-dried hair around at all times. Lauren looked very real and worn-out after the girls’ Halloween party, just as someone who might be mildly hungover should. Second, props go out to Lauren for so elegantly describing Audrina’s ascent in the dating world with her new love interest, Corey: ”He returned your calls, which Justin didn’t. He likes to kiss, which Justin didn’t. He bathes, which Justin didn’t. Upgrade!

But it was Lauren’s straight-up refusal to partake in any kind of game that Brody, a.k.a. Ladies’ Man, was pitching her way that scored her the most points. Although she talked some double-negative nonsense to Lo about his dating other women — ”I want Brody to want to not do it without me saying anything” — Lauren held firm in the end. It’s the smartest thing anyone has done on the show: Lauren knew what she wanted and was unwilling to compromise with someone who she knew wouldn’t be able to offer her the attention she needed, especially with ”Britney, Canada Whore” installed in his phone. Or ”Britney Miami Call Her.” Seriously? What kind of guy uses such creative phone entries to remember the girls that he’s seeing? (Sidenote: An acquaintance of mine once revised his ex-girlfriend’s phone entry as ”Do Not Pick Up,” and like the voice of God, it worked. So maybe Brody’s onto something.)

Back in planet Speidi, nothing was said in between the lines. She-Pratt showed her true colors as part of Team Pratt. After Heidi confessed to her that she’d been having second thoughts, She-Pratt spilled the beans to Spencer. Though some of you might’ve interpreted this to be out of genuine concern for Heidi, I don’t think so, not with She-Pratt making statements like ”I know she pushed you into this.” On another note, I keep on thinking that She-Pratt bears a slight resemblance to Portia de Rossi. Anyone else agree? I loved how when Spencer and Stephanie swung by the paper shop to pick up ”the Heidi Montag save-the-date cards,” the woman behind the counter squealed, ”You’re getting married!” Because in reality, that’s probably how Spencer and his sister will end up — alone, and with each other.

Of course, Spencer reacted to the news of Heidi’s cold feet the only way he knew how — by being childishly passive-aggressive. When he was at home, he was all quiet, staring into Eric Haney’s counterterrorist book Inside Delta Force (fat chance Spence was actually reading it), being sullen. Heidi asked him what was wrong, and then fireworks started to blast in the air — but of the wrong kind. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I can’t remember a time when Speidi were actually laughing together, appearing to have a good time, and seeming to be the couple in love that they profess to be. Instead, the blond Dresden-doll couple always look plain miserable, arguing about who sacrificed more for the other and not taking their marriage seriously enough. Blame it on Hollywood, but I can’t for the life of me understand the need to expedite the wedding. At this rate, it will be over before it even begins. (Speaking of counterterrorism, it was nice to see Heidi throw that book at the door after Spencer walked out.)

NEXT: Audrina’s Aussie

Onto our third dame of the night. Audrina’s new Australian boy toy, Corey, was definitely cute, but his lip piercing threw me off. I was trying to figure out who he was dressed as at the Halloween party: some famous sailor with a busted lip? Popeye? Sailor Moon? I’m not against piercings; it’s just that this one looked a bit silly, especially because he seemed so preppy otherwise. And maybe it’s because I couldn’t understand Corey clearly, but he got a bit boring during the dinner conversation. What’s up with the men on this show? They look great, yes, but I’m remembering Jarett and Whitney’s awkward dinner date where Jarett acted weird/hyper. Maybe it’s the camera. After all, not everyone is used to having a crew of people follow them at all hours in the day.

But I definitely lost respect for Australian boy after his completely transparent request to Audrina at the end of the meal: ”Do you want to just go home?” complete with a cocked eyebrow. You know what that means. I know what that means. The assumption that dinner earns him a score kinda got to me. I know Audrina’s desperate to move on, but girl shouldn’t go home with a new guy so easily. Especially if her goofy smile the next morning told us anything about how much she really likes him.

I’ll close with the girls’ Halloween bash. They congregated at Audrina and Lauren’s place, which all of a sudden boasted all kinds of accessories, like a smoke machine and a strobe light. In a club, I can understand, but how many house parties have you attended with a smoke machine? No wonder we caught Lauren lifting the machine over her head demanding it be turned off. And buzz. Buzz. No, that’s not the front door; that’s the sound of the party inside. It was like an insect farm in there — the number of critters congregating around the foyer should’ve led Lauren to break out the Raid, not the smoke machine. Except that Lauren was dressed as a flapper and hardly anyone recognized her. Anyway, when did it all of a sudden become so cute to dress as a antennaed insect? Whitney and Jen Bunney were decked out in ladybug gear, and I think I saw a random bee here and there. Maybe I missed something two months ago, but I actually thought this year’s hot Halloween costume was Amy Winehouse.

All right, readers, what did you think of last night’s show? Who thinks Lauren made a mistake by not telling Brody how she really feels? Who can’t wait for Spencer and Heidi to call the wedding off? And what’s the funniest phone entry you’ve got stored?