”The Hills”: Jason tells Lauren he’s engaged
So I could say the theme for this episode was bad, bad, bad nose jobs (seriously, did little Bunney Jen-Jen go to the surgeon with a picture of Heidi and say, ”I want that one!” or what?), but instead I’m going to go with premature marriage. And when I say ”premature,” I mean it in every sense of the word.
Let’s start with the couple we all love to hate — Speidi. Apparently their lives have gotten so boring that the camera crew has resorted to following them to what looked like a Crate & Barrel to register for wedding gifts. (Mad props go to the first TV Watcher who can find out if the lovebirds really have registered somewhere — though that might be hard if they did it under an alias, such as Dumb and Dumber.) Okay, so Spencer may have had a valid point when he said, ”I just think it’s silly to make people buy us a bunch of stuff that we’re not going to use,” but then again, what 23-year-old actually cares about eating off of fine china while sipping from a crystal glass? (I mean, he’s used to Solo cups and paper plates.) Registering for these items is about building your household and life together, and if Spencer can’t take that seriously, how is he ever going to take on being a husband?
To make matters worse, Spencer admitted his parents don’t even know he’s engaged (insert my nonshocked expression here), and Heidi didn’t really seem to give a crap. In fact, if you go back and watch the scene over again, as I did, it almost seems for a second that she was about to burst out laughing when he delivered the news. Then when she asked him, ”Why, are you embarrassed?” he also looked like he was about to crack a smile, too. Cut to serious expressions on both of their faces. Am I going nuts? Was the scene just edited poorly? Or (and this is what I have my money on) is all of this wedding nonsense Speidi’s way of getting more camera time by staging what I’m still hoping is a fake engagement?
Speaking of nonsense, can we discuss Heidi’s random outing with Jen Bunney to look at bridal gowns? I don’t know why, but I was surprised when Heidi said to her, ”Are you excited for your dress?” Honestly does Heidi not have any other friends who qualify as bridesmaid material over Jen Bunney? Since Lauren is out of the wedding, does that then make Jen a bridesmaid by default? If that’s the case, that must suck.
Jen bashing aside, I do have to admit I was glad to hear her say to Heidi, ”Do you ever think maybe this isn’t right? Like I believe people fall in love, but I think like at this age it’s easy to fall out of love. That’s why I get scared.” Of course Heidi had a typical rebuttal: ”Obviously you’re not in the right mind frame, but for me it’s just different, like I don’t want to picture my life without him. Like I would feel my soul mate is gone.” Excuse me while I go vomit.
NEXT: Jason’s engagement kegger
Moving on to our other ridiculous engaged couple of the episode, we have Jason and Katja (whose name is, according to Jason, pronounced ”Kasha”). Thanks to a friend of mine who found a blog with Katja’s Facebook profile on it, we now know she’s only 19 and has conservative political views. That said, it doesn’t add up that she would rush into getting engaged to someone who, of all things, just finished rehab.
It also doesn’t add up that Lauren would have no idea that Jason even had a girlfriend up until their lunch date. (He later said he’d been dating Katja for six months and ”some odd change.”) Plus, aren’t relationships generally frowned upon when you’re in recovery? The face Lauren made when Jason said, ”Yeah, we’re going to move in together,” was absolutely priceless. (Rewatch it again for proof!) Almost as priceless as the face she made at Jason’s housewarming party when some dude named Brandon — amid a keg and a Bob Marley poster — announced Jason’s engagement. It was very mature of Lauren to stick around instead of running outside and crying (which, let’s be honest, is what most of us would’ve done in the same situation).
It was immature of Jason, on the other hand, to immediately bombard Lauren about the engagement and say, ”I know you don’t like her.” Um, Jason, she’s known Katja for practically as long as you have. How can you expect her to have any sort of opinion (you know, other than one about how absurd you’re being)? Plus, I never once saw Katja even attempt to be nice to Lauren, except maybe when they were introduced, and even then Katja was busy giving her the evil you’re my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, and I know everything about you stare.
Thank goodness Whitney was around to offer Lauren some useful advice when she expressed concerns about having to pick up the pieces for Jason again. ”Don’t let yourself be that person,” Whitney told her. ”Maybe the best thing is to not talk to him for a while and let him fall down and let him pick himself back up.”
Whitney always seems to have the right thing to say at just the right time. If only she could’ve used that power on Elias, the member of the band the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus who refused to put on a different pair of jeans at a Teen Vogue photo shoot. Whitney, poor thing, was so hungover from partying with the band the night before at — shocker! — a dive bar called the Dime (seriously, I was ecstatic to see the ladies go somewhere else besides Les Deux) that she didn’t even have enough energy to fight back with the stubborn musician over his wardrobe. Lisa Love thought it was irresponsible; I thought it was hilarious.
Okay, TV Watchers, let me know your thoughts: How tall do you think Lauren’s shoes were in the last scene? Can we rename Beavis — at least until he shaves his facial hair? How about the Abominable Snowman? How long do you think Jason and Katja’s engagement will last? Finally, are you with me on the Lauren, don’t hook up with Brody ever again train?