”The Hills”: Heidi confronts Lauren and Jason
Boy, am I glad I’m back this week to discuss The Hills with you, TV Watchers, because this was definitely one of those jaw-dropping, I can’t believe she just said that episodes that we know and love. Last week, I was in Vegas for the now-infamous Britney debacle (a.k.a. the Video Music Awards), and as exciting as it was for me to meet our girls, Lauren, Whitney, and Audrina, I was extremely disappointed Speidi didn’t show up. (You know, because I really wanted to see the so-called engagement ring in person. And maybe tell Beavis, er, Spencer, that we gave him a new name. No such luck though.) But after tonight, I think I’m even more disappointed I didn’t get the chance to meet Elodie.
If I could give Elodie some sort of virtual standing ovation right now I would. Not only were her scowls and eye rolls when Heidi sauntered in to work every morning priceless, but she gave her power-hungry coworker something that was long overdue: a major reality check. Let’s take a minute to relive what happened when Heidi ”I’m Too Big for My Britches” Montag complained about her run-in with Jason and Lauren:
Heidi I just can’t believe she’s talking to her crazy, abusive ex-boyfriend who went to rehab and jail…and she can’t forgive me? It’s like, is she out of her mind? So we try to send them over drinks, to be like, let’s feel out the water, like, you know. So they send them back, so we’re like, okay.
Elodie So what exactly did you do to her that makes her not even want to accept a drink?
Elodie And also, you know, you were also friends with Audrina, and now she doesn’t talk to you anymore.
Heidi [Yup, still speechless.]
Elodie You were friends with Whitney, too! You don’t even know what’s wrong and what’s right anymore. [Wait for it….] It’s so sad.
Heidi [Awkward moment of silence.]
Elodie Well, I’m gonna finish up on this, so…see ya.
Viewers at home [Applause.]
You know, in any other circumstance, I might have agreed with Heidi that her ”promotion” wasn’t personal and Elodie is taking it the wrong way. But because it’s L.A. and because Heidi is on a reality show, we all know the only explanation for it was that it was, in fact, a 100-percent-personal decision. How convenient for Brent Bolthouse to be able to pimp his company every week just by giving Heidi a nice office and a pseudo assistant (we know her as intern Lacey).
Other than checking people in at nightclubs during past seasons, have we ever actually seen Heidi do real work? After all, she does have some innate business skills that hardly seem to be utilized to their full potential. For instance: She knows how to prioritize (she told Lacey, ”The calls that will always get through are Spencer, Brent, Jen…”), knows how to delegate (she gave Lacey the highly important task of transferring her contacts from her old cell phone to a new one. No, this is not a joke. I wish it were, but really? Couldn’t Heidi’s wireless provider have done that for her? Or is she just so busy she didn’t have time to wait?), and most important, she understands the importance of a power suit. (Did she go on a shopping spree at Ann Taylor Loft recently or something? She may think her current wardrobe choices scream ”future CEO,” but to me they just scream, ”I don’t have a college degree, and I’m trying to look like I do!”)
NEXT: Is Jason pulling Lauren back in?
The drama all started outside the Bolthouse offices when (coincidentally?) Speidi ended up at Ketchup, the very same trendy restaurant where Lauren and Jason were dining. (Side note: I can’t help wondering if there is perhaps a sister restaurant called Mustard.) Judging by the way Lauren reacted when the ominous couple walked in, I really felt that this cataclysmic event wasn’t (for once) orchestrated by MTV. Or is that just too naive of me to believe? Either way, you could’ve cut the tension in the room with a piece of Beavis’ facial hair.
Who knew that the Ketchup confrontation was actually the very first time Spencer and Jason had met face-to-face? I was surprised that was the case because of the way Spencer ever so politely and nonchalantly commented, ”It’s great to see you guys back together. It’s heartwarming.” Spencer’s maturity has obviously rubbed off on his darling puppet, Heidi: ”Maybe they’re back in the moviemaking action,” she said while pretending to look at the menu. Then Heidi went on to complain how baffling it was that Lauren would even so much as sit with Jason after everything he put Lauren through. Attention, Heidi: He never spread rumors about a sex tape, now did he? That was most likely your doing.
It’s too bad the Lauren and Jason reunion dinner was rudely interrupted, because for a second there, Lauren was finally relaxed and being herself. Well, maybe until Jason zoned out and checked out another girl during Lauren’s random rant about wanting to put red lights in her room. (Did anyone else want to hear her finish her sentence about what red lighting does? I certainly did.) I don’t really mind seeing these two hang out again — as friends, of course — so long as Lauren promises to never use the baby voice she used when she said to Jason, ”I know you better than anybody.”
I got the slight feeling Lauren wants the Jason revival to be a more-than-friends thing, especially by the way she acted giddy around him (”I’ll have sober nights with you. We can go bowl-ling, and we can go to moo-vies, and we can go to like a comedy club!”) and confided in Whitney about it (”He’s the one I told everything to, you know what I mean? And you don’t get that many people in your life that you can just tell everything to”). Though homegirl’s going to have to get over her ex (again!) real soon, because as we saw in previews for next week, he’s going to announce his engagement to USC student Katja. Not that we really know enough about Jason’s relationship to judge, but why do these reality stars feel the need to rush to get engaged at such a young age? (Or in Speidi’s case, ”engaged.”) Twenty bucks says Jason calls it off within the next month. Who’s with me?
All right, kids, it’s your turn to tell me your thoughts: Is it just me or does Lauren always sound like she’s about to lose her voice? Should we start a petition to get Elodie promoted at Bolthouse? Do you think Teen Vogue is a little annoyed at how much they’ve taken a backseat this season? Finally, can we have more 95-percent-Audrina-free shows in the future?