”The Hills” finale recap: Second chances
Ah, Monday night, how I’ll miss thee! Takeout food, kick my feet up, The Hills — it’s a ritual that my roommates and I have bonded over. My French-banker roommate even found himself addicted to the show, even though he pretended not to be. (He was always suspiciously hovering over the television when I got home.) I had my handkerchiefs ready to bid my favorite L.A. girls adieu until…wait…rewind: Lauren broke the news in the after show that there’ll be a mini-season early next year.
Of course. Like all shows that take trips to Paris, it just can’t end here. I’m thinking of that previous season finale of The Hills, Sex and the City‘s two-part finale, the American Werewolf series. Producers know that we girls want to see the romance — the Catherine Malandrino clothing and the well-coiffed gentilhomme charming the wits out of us with their heavily-accented ”How do you say, ‘beautiful’?” In fact, men not speaking English should benefit the show, after all the drivel pouring from J. Bob and Spencer’s mouths this season.
Last night’s episode was mostly about whether or not Lauren would get to travel to Paris to help out at a glamorous ball. Karma came around and nipped Lauren in the butt, since her stand-up routine at the airport last year left Teen Vogue editor Lisa Love less than amused. Lauren sulked when she found out Whitney got the assignment. ”Again?” she moaned. ”I shouldn’t have given it up the first time.” But then Lisa Love handed Lauren the trip on a silver platter, and Lauren flashed her killer 10,000-watt smile: ”I’m going to Paris?”
Yes, you, Lauren! Yes, the show will always be about you, and basically only you, so are we really that surprised? Anyway, French Roommate perked up and whooped out a proud ”ye-ah” as Lisa Love described Paris to Lauren: ”It’s my favorite city in the world. I ran away from home when I was 15 to go to Paris; it changed my life. Hopefully it’ll change your life too. It’s just magical. It’s just a level of sophistication that you’ve never seen before. I think it’ll be an incredibly inspiring trip for you.” I have no doubt that the experience abroad will provide homegirl with all sorts of worldly knowledge, like how to make badass crepes and walk on cobblestone streets in high heels, but I do find it somewhat puzzling that Lauren had never been to Paris. This is a girl, after all, who drives an expensive car and blows more money on dresses than a plane ticket to France would cost. Hmm. Priorities.
But our Whitney had been to Paris before, a point she made very clear while making weird facial movements all night. We know she was brimming inside. But her efforts to mask her excitement played like an exercise in emotions for kindergarteners. (Like: Kids, if you want adults to know that you’re happy, smile. If you’re mad, stick your fingers in your ears and breathe really hard.) Whitney actually stuck her tongue out when Lisa Love snapped, ”I think Lauren had her chance to go to Paris.” When Lauren said, depressingly, that she had never been to Paris before, Whitney conjured up a blank stare, then chewed on her lower lip. Is this a new acting technique, or have I just never noticed these charades before?
For her part, LC just keeps getting smarter on the show. Pretty much starting from the point when she delivered the ”I want to forgive you, and I want to forget you” line, homegirl has revealed a talent for fortune-cookie writing. Last night was no exception. I loved how she called out Brody’s less-than-convincing ”I’m scared to get into a relationship” speech, a line he totally whipped out to save face for the embarrassing way he blurted out, ”So what, you really want to find a boyfriend, is that what it is?” Said Lauren, with complete calmness, ”Nobody’s had the best relationships in the past. That’s why they end. If you really want to be with someone, choose someone you really like, someone you’re really proud to be with, and you should want to call them your boyfriend or girlfriend.” Brody could only stare at her after such powerful words; maybe that’s because he was searching for his missing sense of humor. He did, after all, say ze French are ”stinky people with hairy armpits.” (Cut to French Roommate throwing things at television set.) Also, anyone else think that the boy was wearing a bit too much — or too light of a shade of — under-eye concealer?
NEXT: The end of Speidi?
It was Heidi and Spencer who left things on the most uncertain note. Though I felt their whole confrontation at the apartment was staged, I definitely sensed some very real emotion coursing through their bodies. Spencer, for one, looked terrified. His face shone an unnatural shade of red. Heidi’s wide eyes looked even sadder than they have in weeks. How convenient that the two of them have places to go — that Heidi can run home to Colorado, despite the fact that she’s supposedly got a serious job at Bolthouse. But why, even after admitting to co-worker Kimberly that she felt as if she were ”in a relationship with a five-year-old,” would Heidi let things with Spencer drag on? It remains the biggest mystery of our time.
And let it not be forgotten that She-Pratt had this amazing suggestion on hearing her brother’s troubles: ”You’ve got to send her an e-mail or something.” Um, really? Not that I’m against passive-aggressive e-mails saying what I’m basically too wimpy to say in person, but with the person that you’re engaged to, you should have at least enough balls to confront or apologize to them in person. It’s fun to imagine the kind of e-mail Spencer would write: ”Dearest Heidi, You are the love of my life. I spell-checked this e-mail twice, just in case the MTV producers might include it in a Best of The Hills edition. Is it easier to forgive me when you don’t have to hear my creepy man-child singsong voice? Sweet dreams. I may or may not be here when you wake up. Yours, Furby.”
So, TV Watchers, as we follow these girls to Paris, it’s important to discuss crucial questions: Will Lauren and Whitney find it weird that nobody knows who they are? Do the French understand the concept of fake-fakey television? With the frenemies Heidi and Lauren separated, what will substitute for the drama of those run-ins at Hollywood nightclubs? Finally, is this the last of Audrina? Her warbling ”oui” at the end of her French tutorial with Lauren came out so weak.