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''The Hills'': Dating Beavis and Butt-head

On ”The Hills,” Audrina has to listen to Justin Bobby’s theories on relationships; meanwhile, Spencer breaks up with Brody for hanging out with Lauren

Posted on

Jeff Lipsky

The Hills

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
225 minutes
Lauren Conrad
Paramount Home Video
Reality TV

”The Hills”: Dating Beavis and Butt-head

Happy post-Labor Day! Seems appropriate that a new episode of The Hills aired on the holiday, since, you know, so many of the cast members actually have real jobs and/or have finished college.

Thanks to everyone who participated in the ”name that d-bag” survey last week, in which we asked you to say whom Spencer and Justin Bobby most resemble. The most popular choices — drum roll, please — are, respectively, Beavis and ”Johnny Depp playing Colin Farrell playing a half-hippie, half-homeless guy.” Some of your write-in submissions deserve an honorary mention, though: I love that some of you thought that Spencer also looks like Eddie Munster or Chuckie the killer doll.

We were right on the money about Justin Bobby — he definitely acts (and looks) half homeless sometimes. Okay, so he picked up Audrina in an actual car this week (perhaps because she left her precious helmet back at Brody’s, along with her tears), but it would’ve been more surprising if he had put on something other than a plain white T-shirt to take his girlfriend out to dinner. Wait, scratch that, she’s not his girlfriend. He doesn’t like to ”put statements on things.” God forbid Audrina ask about where their relationship stands before Mr. Depp Wannabe interrupts her and goes on some sort of rant where he thinks he’s being all intellectual when he really just sounds like a complete dumb ass. Case in point, here’s his view on calling her his girlfriend: ”When something’s working, you don’t go f— it up by throwing labels or doing stupid s— by throwing a ring on your finger just because society or ‘friends’ say that. So you know what, f— them. Literally. I don’t f—ing care.” First of all, obviously you do, J. Bob, or else why wouldn’t you just let it go and just tell Audrina that it doesn’t matter what her friends think, that you really do see a future with her? Second of all, who said anything about a ring? After all, this isn’t Speidi we’re talking about here.

It never really annoyed me until this episode how much Audrina acts like a wallflower when it comes to expressing her feelings about Justin Bobby. Or, for that matter, expressing her feelings about anything at all. I’m so happy that Lo was around to offer her two cents on J. Bob because she always seems to say exactly what we viewers at home are thinking. She asked Audrina, ”Haven’t you been dating him off and on for two years?” After the wallflower said yes, Lo asked, ”How long have you been dating him recently for?” Audrina told her four months, and — in classic Lo style — Lo matter-of-factly retorted, ”Oh. He should probably be your boyfriend by now.”

Relationship status was also a hot topic at the Bolthouse offices this week. The founder himself, Brent Bolthouse, made an appearance for what looked like a serious staff meeting (Heidi was wearing a power suit!), only the first thing that came out of his mouth wasn’t ”We’re here to discuss a new club….” Instead, when he sat down, he immediately asked Heidi, ”Are Lauren and Brody going back out? I saw them this weekend.” (Cut to Heidi’s fake baffled face here.) Since when do bosses keep track of their employees’ former best friends’ love lives anyway? His inquiry was so random that it almost sounded a little creepy.

It’s true, Lauren and Brody are a lot closer these days, but their closeness seems to stem from a little thing I like to call liquid courage (a.k.a. alcohol). While out at Les Deux (which I’m starting to think is the only nightspot to go out to in L.A.), Lauren was busy sipping drinks and slurring her words when she ended up leaving with Brody, Frankie, and the rest of the crew to participate in a ”friendly sleepover” at Casa Jenner.

Brody’s quality time with Lauren subsequently set off the jealousy bone in Beavis, who was so mad about it that he ”broke up” with Brody as a friend. ”You can make excuses, excuses this and that,” Beavis told him over the phone. ”I care about loyalty. You are rolling around with my enemy, so that makes you my enemy. Do you not see how that works?” No, actually, we don’t, you lost us at ”loyalty.”

If you would’ve asked me last year who was the bigger idiot on The Hills, Spencer or Brody, I might’ve (key word: might’ve) said Brody because of some of his lame behavior (two words: Jen Bunney). But lately, Beavis’ evil streak has been making his so-called best friend look like a decent guy. I’m glad Brody stood up for himself: ”If you are mad at me for hanging out with Lauren, that is ridiculous. It’s like, how long have we been friends for?…I’m not going to go around hating Lauren just ’cause you hate Lauren….I feel like I’m back in high school with this.”

Luckily, little Bunney Jen Jen — who looks like she’s gotten a nose enhancement since we last saw her — isn’t talking to Lauren, so it means it’s okay with Spencer for Heidi to be friends with her. Over a scrumptious breakfast, the two continued their ongoing discussion over whether or not they’ll ever be friends with the Enemy again (seriously, do they really have nothing else to talk about?), and Heidi said that Brody is the one who spread rumors about Lauren. (Were they referring to the sex-tape rumors? Did anyone else think it was a little unclear?) For once, Jen indicated she had a backbone when she said, ”We don’t know that, though….How do you know that?” And all Heidi could say was ”I do know that. I wasn’t the one….I heard him say things about it. But that’s their relationship, you know?” Way to get defensive, Heidi.

I’ll leave you guys with a few things to discuss: Do you think Brody really spread rumors about Lauren? Or was Heidi taking the opportunity to try to place the blame on someone else? Why does Spencer need both an iPhone and a PDA? (Is one still his ”pimp phone”?) If Lauren changed her name, would you prefer it to be to Tiffany or Crystal? Were the few minutes of Whitney time enough? Is it sort of anticlimactic that Jason will be in next week’s episode now that we know he’s engaged? Finally, which is worse: Justin Bobby’s painful diatribes about society and labels or Spencer’s painful diatribes about loyalty?