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Hell's Kitchen recap: A la Carte Blanche

After the contestants prove once again they can’t work together, Gordon Ramsay lets them create their own menus

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Hell's Kitchen

TV Show
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Welcome, my little onion rings, to the continuation of what I think I’m going to have to start calling Matt’s Kitchen, as the portly Muppet eagle-man continues to dominate the story line, with a strong B plot courtesy of the increasingly hostile Jen. While I find both of their personalities somewhat repellent, I can’t complain about the uptick in action on the show. Sure, no one can cook (still), but at least it’s gotten a lot more quotable in hell.

This episode kicked off with Matty moping about how he let everyone down. Corey was in agreement — she thinks he’d perhaps make a better used car salesman, though having recently purchased a previously owned vehicle, I’m pretty sure that guy couldn’t sell me oxygen on Mars — but the Blue Team couldn’t be bothered to weigh in, so distressed were they about their own problem child. You’d never know that Bobby has decided to let his cooking talk by the way he was going on at the top tonight. Jen, he declared, is a big baby, and he wants to nip it. Nip it! That’s gonna be my new favorite expression. I will also be calling Jen ”Big Baby Jen” from here on out, as a tribute to the late ODB. (She’ll be damned if she let any man come to her center! She’ll bite your motherloving ass!)

Because the cheflings in general are still struggling with timing and communication, Ramsay announced that tonight’s challenge would be a sort of kitchen relay race: They’d make three entrees, with three cooks from each team having six minutes to cook before handing the pans off to the next teammate. Blue was a man up, so they had to pick someone to sit out. Jen more or less decided this would be Louross, who announced he hates Jen. ”If I don’t have any talent, why the f— am I still here?” asked the diminutive cook, whose confessionals have been getting more and more gangsta with every passing week, but he may have had a point — even Ramsay was surprised he wouldn’t be participating. (Needless to say, that confidence would not last long.)

The race was on, with Matt lumbering into the kitchen like Belushi in SNL‘s Little Chocolate Donuts commercial. ”Go, Matt! Don’t fall!” the girls cheered. He put the chicken in to poach, and when Christina came in to tag, Matt gave her explicit instructions. ”I got all the veg on, chicken stroff, everything’s miso plus,” he said. Okay, that’s probably not what he said, but that’s what I heard, and I think what Christina heard. Meanwhile, Bobby tagged in for Petrozza and got right to work, because Bobby is a four-star general and he knows how to think, plan, and execute. Or so he says. With his mouth, not his cooking.

NEXT: Wet suits aren’t pretty