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Hell's Kitchen recap: 100? Grand!

Horrible things happen to risotto as Hell’s Kitchen celebrates its centennial service

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Hells Kitchen Ramsey
Patrick Wymore/Fox

Hell's Kitchen

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Two episodes again! Last night’s first showing involved a “family night” at Hell’s Kitchen. We should have known — if any dinner service is going to warrant a non-elimination, it’s probably going to be the one with a kids’ menu, when instead of caviar or canapes, “each table will be welcomed by an assortment of fries.”

Still, no need to ignore an entire hour of programming! The Red Team (the remaining women plus eternal cold & flu sufferer Trev) beat the Blue Team (the rest of the men including Boris, master of miso from Russia) in a “let a roulette wheel and a bunch of poor decisions determine your dish” challenge and got to zip over to Las Vegas while the others had to peel 1000 potatoes that dropped straight out of a truck. “I got my hooker boots on….” bragged Sabrina, having once again rewarded herself for winning a challenge by pinning a giant flower onto one side of her noggin. It’s like pin the tail on the donkey but for hookers.

Surprise! MAGICIANS/COMICS Penn & Teller happened to pass through the Red Team’s luxury suite at the Rio. They’re really making the rounds of all the trashy reality shows this year — who doesn’t remember their guest appearance on an episode of ABC’s True Beauty this summer? (Everyone.)

The VIP diners were Chef Ramsay’s family! Best moment of this episode: TV action hero Jack Ramsay, Gordon’s son, showing off his fresh and flavorful falsetto by singing about his order of macaroni and cheese. He’s a natural!

A green risotto was everyone’s villain. “LOOK AT ME, YOU DIRTY LITTLE F—ER!” Ramsay screamed at Vinny, whose tally of mistakes is almost approaching his tally of delusions of grandeur. “I’d make your family, your children, your wife a fresh f—ing risotto.” Meanwhile, Jillian approached the risotto problem the way she treats all of her nefarious opponents. “The freaking risotto, man, that s— hates me,” she complained. “I just want to kick risotto’s ass.”

Vinny doubled up on portions, Sabrina wasn’t confident enough to cook meat, Trev crowded Nona on garnish, Russell refused to help his teammate Rob, and Boris was working on a filthy surface. “He’s a Russian f—ing pig,” sneered Russell.

Lesson of the night: “IN ENGLAND WE EAT AT THE SAME F—ING TIME.”

But no one went home! The teams earned a 90 percent satisfaction rate. It’s possible the comment cards had simply been illegible because they were written almost exclusively in crayon. “TOMORROW’S GONNA BE A BITCH,” Ramsay promised.

Coming up: “Chef Ramsay feels the need to do something drastic.” No. No way. I don’t believe it!

Episode 8 marked the 100th dinner service at Hell’s Kitchen! After a rousing “Profitability Challenge” during which Sabrina became more annoying each time she repeated “I wanna do lamb and lentils” in the voice of a 5-year-old, the Red Team — women plus Trev — earned another reward. “I’M ON A BOAT,” bragged Sabrina from the confessional room. And for a few minutes, she and another hair flower sure were.

NEXT: A bunch of special guests who are (shockingly) not P. Diddy.