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Hell's Kitchen season premiere recap: 'I Don't Know How to Cook Meat'

Sixteen new contestants serve up deadly pizza, succulent bosoms, and full plates of crazy!

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Hells Kitchen
Patrick Wymore/Fox

Hell's Kitchen

TV Show
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Bloody hell, here we go again. Voiceover guy wasn’t kidding when he generously labeled this season’s merry band of derelicts “a special breed of people.” Curtis is a complete mess. We’ve got selfish Sabrina, whose heart just fell out of her butt. Raj, a gargantuan nutball who breaks out ferocious(ly awful) karate moves whenever he drinks. A camp chef! Gail, who insists on speaking in a baby voice and suspected that the new maître d’, James, was taking the contestants to bury them alive. Do they serve inside-out salmon rolls in hell?

As a perfect extension of this season’s crazy, the opening credits are totally f—ing insane. The contestants are Lilliputians, tying up Ramsay and forcing him to sample their sub-par food. He’s the giant, and they’re unimportant. Jillian tickles that silly giant’s nipples with carrot leaves instead of doing the smart thing and using some of that luscious greenery to replace her tattooed-on eyebrows. Wow, these opening credits. Is this a parody of a reality show? No one can cook, and next week it looks like someone gets stabbed. So maybe!

Up for grabs: a $200,000-a-year position at a multi-million-dollar restaurant in L.A. Market. “You want to see more?” Gordon Ramsay asks them. Yes, yes! “I DON’T THINK SO.” It’s important to set the tone early on.

Right away, the chefs must serve Ramsay their signature dishes so that he can disgustedly regurgitate them into a bucket. It’s men vs. women, and you’d think the women would have a leg up because Emily’s succulent, herb-rubbed, oven-roasted breasts are popping out of her “favorite date outfit.” But no! Ramsay’s not into it and makes her “cover the puppies up just a little bit” with her apron. This does not bode well. Ramsay spits out Nona’s chicken and Antonia’s Mardi Gras gumbo. Antonia takes it upon herself to leave the competition after mysteriously passing out.

A lady with a nice ass is wearing shorts to Opening Night at the Hell’s Kitchen restaurant! I’m so glad we know.

Opening Night is a disaster. Some guests have not received their welcoming pizza. Raj, who’s running the unenviable station of  “pizza/waiter,” does everything wrong and won’t stop thanking Chef Ramsay for his “advice.” He’s quite nuts. Trev’s first salad is a failure, and Ramsay gingerly lifts Trev’s second salad with his bear claw only to nonchalantly drop the entire dish on the floor. Ha! Ain’t his dish! Someone else will clean that up. Boris inexplicably mimics Ramsay saying “It’s rawwww” re: Lisa’s pizza. Ramsay fires back at Boris the ultimate challenge: “I’m ready for you to f— around!”

NEXT: Um, is Chef Ramsay absolutely sure there were no instances of death-by-pizza?