Welcome back to Graceland, USA’s cop show about a bunch of impossibly good-looking federal agents chosen to live together in a beach house and have their lives… wait, no. That’s MTV’s The Real World. Let’s face it: The elevator pitch for this show was, “We round up some really sexy agents and have their professional and personal lives intersect in all types of sexy ways! It will be like The Real World, except with more drug cartels and less hot tub!”
Season 2 ended with Mikey flatlining after being asphyxiated by the treacherous Sid. We pick up 10 days later. Briggs is standing in front of a gravestone. The serpent-souled Sid strolls up, all smiles. He verbally jousts with Briggs for a bit, urging him to just leave town. Oh Sid, Briggs isn’t going anywhere while you’re still slithering about. Sid does this elaborate pop-a-shell-out-of-his-gun, salute-the-fallen, cross-himself-whilst-down-on-one-knee maneuver, which is totally disingenuous. Everyone already knows he’s a really bad cop. Our perspective turns, and we find out that the gravestone does now belong to Mikey! It belongs to Det. Archie Garrett. Mikey’s alive!
Charlie is grumpy (being pregnant and roughed up by a British money launderer will do that to a woman) and eating breakfast when Jakes enters. He points out to Charlie that no one is doing their assigned chores besides him. Those gathered feel that Jakes’ priorities have gone awry. People are betraying each other, getting murdered in hospitals, and driving REALLY fast from Mexico to the beach house to make it in time for ops. Seriously, how these people are getting back and forth in one day is a mystery. It’s like when Rachel and Monica lived in that giant loft in NYC on Friends. There’s just no way.
Johnny and Briggs return, and they’ve got nothing on Sid. Johnny just wants to just take him out. And by the way, Jakes? Screw your chore wheel! Charlie feels the same, and so does her elegant middle finger. She’s reading a newspaper article titled “Unnamed Agent Dies In LA Hospital.” Wait, is Mikey dead?
Paige is piloting her grump-mobile through the city streets, reminiscing only slightly happily about selling Mikey out. A motorcyclist pulls alongside her and registers his displeasure with her driving by shooting at her. She screams as her window explodes but manages to take Evil Knievel out with her ride. She ends up colliding with a dumpster but makes it out bloodied and bruised.
Briggs wheels a johnny-clad Mikey through the hospital halls. HE’S ALIVE! They’ve verified that the hit on Paige was one of Sid’s thugs. Briggs thinks they should let the rest of the Gracelanders and the Bureau know that Paige sold him out. Mikey makes him promise he won’t just yet. Yeah, that’ll work. Because no one ever breaks a promise on this shifty show. Everyone’s got such solid ethics. I wouldn’t even take their word for it that there were clean towels in the linen closet. Mikey thanks Briggs for saving his life, and we learn that he had coded for six minutes but they managed to bring him back. Registering some sudden pain, Mikey goes way heavy on the morphine button. The fear that this is foreshadowing a future “Mikey’s a junkie” storyline is genuine.
As Briggs leaves the hospital, he’s waylaid by two Feds and escorted to the local Bureau office. Briggs meets Deputy Agent Sean Logan, who has the tape recording of Briggs killing Juan. Logan doesn’t care that it was accidental. He cares that Briggs covered it up. Briggs can expect to take those pouty lips to jail, where I shiver to think for what they would be used. Pouty lips aren’t a helpful accessory when one goes inside. Much better to have leprosy or something. Briggs can avoid an indictment, however, if he agrees to infiltrate the Armenian mob. Hopefully the “Armenian mob” is code for “the Kardashian family” and they send Briggs in with guns a-blazin’.
Serpent Sid comes home to find Paige chatting with his wife in the living room. Sid doesn’t possess much restraint, and he quickly begins choking Paige against the wall. Paige manages to gasp out that there’s going to be an inquest. They need to get their stories straight. She seems like the kind of girl who could break Sid’s grip. She is, but she doesn’t, because this is all a setup to bust him.
NEXT: Too many cover-ups[pagebreak]
Deputy Agent Logan fills in Briggs on the Sarkissian mob family. They’re international gun runners, and one of their head dudes is in need of a kidney. Briggs has been inserted as a hired gun for Ari, the kidney dude’s nephew. It looks like a vital organ transport is going to be knocked over so Uncle Dialysis can get off the machine.
Briggs meets Ari, who’s a crazyball. He takes Briggs’ phone and smashes it with a hammer. That’s cold. I think it was an iPhone, and those can be costly. He’s to use a burner phone from now on. I’d also like to point out that Ari says he only pays $100 a month for his phone plan. Damn, which phone company is that? Is it the one the seniors use?
It turns out there’s no organ transport van. There’s a dude named Sammy in an apartment building. Ari determines that he’s b-positive and kidnaps him. Poor Sammy goes in the car trunk and Briggs is all sorts of distressed. Ari and Briggs get pulled over by a cop. Briggs exits the car to prevent Ari from icing the cop. Briggs tries to surreptitiously tell the cop that he’s a Fed, but the dude is stubborn. Sammy makes enough noise in the trunk to alert the cop and suddenly it’s gunfire and tasers and cops being hit by trucks.
Carlito welcomes Johnny to the compound, walking him back to a dinner setup where Lucia is being held at gunpoint. Carlitos has her dolled up like she’s going to her Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?-themed quinceañera. Lucia tells Johnny that he has to kill Carlito. Carlito’s cool with that, and he even puts his gun on the table for Johnny to use. Lucia cuts in line (rude!), snatches the piece, and starts shooting. Hey, you put clown makeup on a girl to humiliate her, and you’re probably going to catch a slug. Of course, the gun is empty, and Lucia is taken away. Carlito tells Johnny that this is his life now. Carlito is in love with Johnny, right? Let me know what you think.
Charlie goes to visit Mikey at the hospital. It looks like Charlie is going to share some booze with the patient and not worry about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. It’s actually apple juice, but it was rather future-visit-from-DCF-level trashy there for a mo. She lets slip that Paige is taking Sid down tonight. Mikey freaks and leaves to stop it. I hope he tied off that johnnie in the back. He arrives just as Sid is approaching Paige. Mikey asks him if he wants to finish the job he started on him. Sid flees, and Paige is a little annoyed. More than that, she pushes the still-healing Mikey to the ground and tells him to stop trying to save her. He replies that he forgives her. Paige, realizing Mikey knows she set him up to eat death, walks off sobbing.
Briggs wakes up staring a dead Sammy in the face. Ari has harvested his kidneys. They throw the body back in the trunk and burn the car. Briggs isn’t pleased about having to participate in yet another cover-up. One per career, please. He stalks back to Deputy Logan’s office, covered in blood. His coworkers stare at the tall bloody man stalking angrily amongst the cubicles. Is this an HR issue, they think? Briggs flips his ish on Logan and accuses him of having Briggs go it alone so there is no accountability on the Bureau’s behalf. Logan tells him to suck it up. And please clean that blood off your face. You’re scaring the receptionist.
The gang has a bonfire discussion about what’s going on with everybody. Briggs makes this whole spiel about how they’re all corrupt in some way, so he’s just paying his penance. And there’s some bit about how Graceland’s togetherness saves them all. And how things are about to get a lot worse.
He ain’t kidding. Johnny picks up Sid on some backstreet and they drive off. What did you think of Graceland’s season three premiere?