Welcome back to Graceland, USA’s cop show about a bunch of impossibly good-looking federal agents chosen to live together in a beach house and have their lives… wait, no. That’s MTV’s The Real World. Let’s face it: The elevator pitch for this show was, “We round up some really sexy agents and have their professional and personal lives intersect in all types of sexy ways! It will be like The Real World, except with more drug cartels and less hot tub!”
Season 2 ended with Mikey flatlining after being asphyxiated by the treacherous Sid. We pick up 10 days later. Briggs is standing in front of a gravestone. The serpent-souled Sid strolls up, all smiles. He verbally jousts with Briggs for a bit, urging him to just leave town. Oh Sid, Briggs isn’t going anywhere while you’re still slithering about. Sid does this elaborate pop-a-shell-out-of-his-gun, salute-the-fallen, cross-himself-whilst-down-on-one-knee maneuver, which is totally disingenuous. Everyone already knows he’s a really bad cop. Our perspective turns, and we find out that the gravestone does now belong to Mikey! It belongs to Det. Archie Garrett. Mikey’s alive!
Charlie is grumpy (being pregnant and roughed up by a British money launderer will do that to a woman) and eating breakfast when Jakes enters. He points out to Charlie that no one is doing their assigned chores besides him. Those gathered feel that Jakes’ priorities have gone awry. People are betraying each other, getting murdered in hospitals, and driving REALLY fast from Mexico to the beach house to make it in time for ops. Seriously, how these people are getting back and forth in one day is a mystery. It’s like when Rachel and Monica lived in that giant loft in NYC on Friends. There’s just no way.
Johnny and Briggs return, and they’ve got nothing on Sid. Johnny just wants to just take him out. And by the way, Jakes? Screw your chore wheel! Charlie feels the same, and so does her elegant middle finger. She’s reading a newspaper article titled “Unnamed Agent Dies In LA Hospital.” Wait, is Mikey dead?
Paige is piloting her grump-mobile through the city streets, reminiscing only slightly happily about selling Mikey out. A motorcyclist pulls alongside her and registers his displeasure with her driving by shooting at her. She screams as her window explodes but manages to take Evil Knievel out with her ride. She ends up colliding with a dumpster but makes it out bloodied and bruised.
Briggs wheels a johnny-clad Mikey through the hospital halls. HE’S ALIVE! They’ve verified that the hit on Paige was one of Sid’s thugs. Briggs thinks they should let the rest of the Gracelanders and the Bureau know that Paige sold him out. Mikey makes him promise he won’t just yet. Yeah, that’ll work. Because no one ever breaks a promise on this shifty show. Everyone’s got such solid ethics. I wouldn’t even take their word for it that there were clean towels in the linen closet. Mikey thanks Briggs for saving his life, and we learn that he had coded for six minutes but they managed to bring him back. Registering some sudden pain, Mikey goes way heavy on the morphine button. The fear that this is foreshadowing a future “Mikey’s a junkie” storyline is genuine.
As Briggs leaves the hospital, he’s waylaid by two Feds and escorted to the local Bureau office. Briggs meets Deputy Agent Sean Logan, who has the tape recording of Briggs killing Juan. Logan doesn’t care that it was accidental. He cares that Briggs covered it up. Briggs can expect to take those pouty lips to jail, where I shiver to think for what they would be used. Pouty lips aren’t a helpful accessory when one goes inside. Much better to have leprosy or something. Briggs can avoid an indictment, however, if he agrees to infiltrate the Armenian mob. Hopefully the “Armenian mob” is code for “the Kardashian family” and they send Briggs in with guns a-blazin’.
Serpent Sid comes home to find Paige chatting with his wife in the living room. Sid doesn’t possess much restraint, and he quickly begins choking Paige against the wall. Paige manages to gasp out that there’s going to be an inquest. They need to get their stories straight. She seems like the kind of girl who could break Sid’s grip. She is, but she doesn’t, because this is all a setup to bust him.
NEXT: Too many cover-ups