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Gossip Girl recap: Triple Threat

In ‘The Witches of Bushwick,’ Vanessa, Jenny, and Juliet play wicked games at Serena’s expense

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Gossip Girl Witches
Giovanni Rufino/The CW

Gossip Girl

TV Show
run date:
Josh Schwartz
Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Chace Crawford, Penn Badgley, Ed Westwick
Current Status:
Off Air

Over four seasons, we’ve seen Serena elude many things: responsibility, laws of indecent exposure, a litany of sexually transmitted diseases, and — most of all — the consequences of her actions. Whether dealing with her friends or her mom or the Gods of inequality, she has always moved on after her wrongdoings, with no real repercussions in the aftermath. Last night, someone finally decided to do something about it.

Okay, if we’re getting technical, three people decided to do something about it. But let’s face it: Jenny Humphrey, Vanessa, and Juliet are all only thirds of actual human beings, so my assessment is accurate. The good news is the trifecta of second-rate schemers proved that, when combined, they can pull off something deliciously evil — and extremely fun to watch.

We opened this week with Eric and Elliot (E2) attempting to bring logic to Serena’s love debacle using a Venn diagram, not realizing that a less Herculean task might have been making a Mayan Pyramid out of popsicle sticks and the excess oils from Jenny’s hair. Nonetheless, the boys were right about one thing: A decision had to be made — if not for Serena’s sake, for the sake of Dan and Nate, whose world of mutual love had been thrown into turmoil by the lady’s indecision.

Luckily, Vanessa stepped in and told Dan and Nate that nothing — not concubines nor love quarrels — should come between their special relationship. They agreed and made up, and while they played with balls, they decided that it was best if they acted as lovers gentleman. “May the best man win.” (Recap poll: Should we forever until the end of time refer to Nate as Mrs. Nate Humphrey? One vote for yes.)

Their reconnection turned out to be exactly what Vanessa & Co. wanted. They needed Dan and Nate united so that when the sky began to rain revenge, they could huddle together under the umbrella of mutual Serena disdain. And all was going well in the revenge department. Our dastardly trio had fed a slightly embellished story to Page Six about Serena’s fling with Colin that caused the Dean at Columbia to request a meeting with Serena and Mommy Warbucks.

In said meeting, the Dean invited Serena to leave the school, citing her negative effect on the learning environment. Then, Lily surprised us all by revealing that she’d been hiding a hefty set of balls underneath her chunky knit-wrap sweaters. She told the Dean that she would have the New York Times write an article about horny professors and their slutty students — or something like that. It was enough to make the Dean back down slightly.

Meanwhile, post-coital Blair and Chuck were preparing for meetings of their own. Chuck was eagerly anticipating his black and white bore of a ball (Blair would later talk him into a masquerade!) and Blair was excited about her talk with Anne Archibald, who was going to be offering her a spot at the head of a foundation. But things would not go as planned for either of them in their quests to become masters of their given universes.

NEXT: Somebody goes and utters the blasted ‘L’ word.