Two weeks without Gossip Girl was pretty much hell. I was starting to think kind thoughts, consider the feelings of others, and smile at people (without thinking something malicious) . It was a scary feeling. Now that storm of accidental decency has been weathered, and it’s good to be back. Unfortunately, we tracked a Jenny Humphrey across the living room carpet. Hopefully next time we’ll remember to wipe our feet.
The return of the littlest Hump to the city also came with a valuable lesson: War is not the answer — but it is the question. Lucky for us, on the Upper East Side, the answer to almost every question is: “Yes, and I want it now.”
We opened with Blair having a prophetic dream that paid homage to the Audrey Hepburn classic Wait Until Dark. In the dream, Blair was attacked by a masked, hair extension-ed intruder with a cheap headband. In case you were wondering, it was not Chuck in drag. (Thanks for the tres disturbing mental picture, Serena.) It was Blair’s sixth sense telling her she’d soon be seeing dead people. Rather, people who were dead to her.
Meanwhile, Serena, continued her studies in the areas of fine linens and using men’s shirts as sleepwear. (She will no doubt graduate with honors.) Her tutor for the evening was the cab stealer we met last week, whose name turned out to be Colin, which I pronounced as colon. Despite mounting evidence, they didn’t have sex, she told Blair after being given an accusatory glance. They actually stayed up all night talking about Lichtenstein and Warhol, she said.
No, seriously, those weren’t safe words. She was telling the truth. Color me surprised, too, especially considering she was sleeping in what looked like her boy shorts. Clearly, that was the best way to keep things platonic. After all, it’s not like she lives a few floors away and can go home when it’s appropriate. Oh…
But while yesterday’s dress did not, in fact, get infused with today’s shame, there’d be plenty of time for today’s outfit to pick up some shame of its own. (And it happened more quickly than even I thought it would.)
Once at school, Serena came face-to-face with Colin. Much to her surprise, she learned he was their new psychology of business professor. So much for her aspirations to be a model student. (That’s “model” as in “ideal,” not “stand there and look pretty.” Although…) But, honestly, what would any season of GG be without Serena having a tryst with an older man in some position of power? At this rate, by season 10, she’ll be in a love affair with a 90-year-old oil heir, yet still crushing on Dan and Nate, who by then will have confessed their love for one another.
Speaking of Nate, he and Juliet were this week’s B plot, as in it BE not that interesting. Well, at least it wasn’t until the very end. (We’ll get to that twist in a bit.) Otherwise, it was the same tiresome back-and-forth between the two of them. Nate sought out Dan for a problem with Juliet. Dan gave him half-hearted advice because he secretly wants Nate to himself. Etc. Etc. The one kicker this week was that Juliet’s lie finally caught up with her at the expense of Nate, something she had been trying to avoid.
NEXT: “Volunteering as part of a prison literacy program?” Does that sound like the behavior of a Gossip Girl character?