I’m like the Nostradamus of Gossip Girl: pretty much everything I predicted would happen did. Charlie revealed herself to be the mayor of Crazytown. Russell was revealed to be the actual murderer of Avery Thorpe. Serena showed cleavage. Charlie learned how to show cleavage from Serena. I mean I could launch my own Psychic Friends Network at this point (although I would NOT invite Dionne Warwick to participate after seeing what a beeeyatch she is on Celebrity Apprentice).
Blair and Louis continued on with their not-so-believable love affair. Princess Sophie still didn’t seem to thrilled about Blair, especially after having Ms. Waldorf followed. Seems that Blair is spending an awful lot of time with Chuck despite her new engagement status. But you know what turned around Sophie’s attitude towards Blair? Jewelry? Money bribe? Nope. It was the charms of a petite bald man a.k.a. Cyrus (Wallace Shawn). That wee man warmed the heart of Princess Sophie. I must say it was nice having Cyrus and Eleanor back. They’ve been MIA for sooo long.
But we still had to go through a lot of pretty slow-moving moments with Louis and Blair discussing their relationship and mostly fighting over her connection to Chuck. These two have less chemistry than Jodie Foster and Richard Gere in Sommersby. William and Kate they are not. Hell, they’re not even Harry and that lady from the Real Housewives of DC. Blair began to worry that Louis wouldn’t be able to accept her and all of her darker qualities (see: blackmail and general meanness). She may have a point. Those malicious elements are exactly what draws Chuck to Blair.
Speaking of Chuck, his uncle Jack returned to town after being contacted by Raina. Was it just me or was Jack missing teeth? It looked like one of his front teeth decided not to show up. I was confused. Did he loose teeth the last time he was on? Did he have a slight meth addiction I wasn’t aware of? Very odd. Anyhoo, Jack then got in touch with Russell Thorpe and plotted with old Russell to take down Chuck. So, in another confusing plot point, Jack brought some goons to Chuck’s newest real estate venture, a Brooklyn hotel called Charles’ Place (which frankly sounds like some kind of senior citizen assisted living facility) and had them take Chuck into rehab. Can you force someone into rehab…especially when there’s not really an issue with addiction? The only thing I know about rehab is what I learned from the original 90210 and all of Dylan’s problems. Sorry folks.
Russell assumed Chuck was out of the way and took the opportunity to rifle through Chuck’s place at the Empire Hotel. He was looking for a security video from the night of the fire but then—surprise!—Chuck showed up with Jack and Nate and told Russell it was all a big scam. Those crazy kids! In a surprisingly atypical move, Jack decided that he would not screw over his nephew and instead helped Chuck take down Russell. Opposite day!! So they all watched the video that Russell was trying so desperately to nab and as predicted by moi, it revealed that Russell set the fire that killed his wife. Ho hum.
NEXT: Charlie turns into a psycho nympho!