Serena’s sparkly cardigans return! Yay. Jenny’s bad bangs are back! Boooo. But then Chuck wore a sparkly tuxedo! Yay. Yay. Yay. And where can I get that? Basically, in case you hadn’t noticed, TV Watchers, I have the attention span of a cat: Put something sparkly in front of me and I am immediately taken with it. I wonder how much a Bedazzler and a cheap tux would cost….hmmm. Literally, it’s like the Gossip Girl folks are filming my id. Sparkles and gossip! That’s all I need!
We met Aaron’s ex-girlfriend, Lexie, and, of course, she’s equally as annoying as he is. Thankfully, she doesn’t have a painful mustache, at least not that I could see on my rather old office television. Serena, yet another red flag and, unlike Aaron’s greasy bangs and pubescent facial hair, this flag speaks! And it’s a bitch! Time to cut and run, blondie. Oh and look: Dan’s conveniently single. It’s time for a reunion because I can’t take any more of Artsy McOilyhair. Plus, his art is not good. Photos of Serena with painted-on sunglasses? Huh? You know it’s bad when there are photos of Serena in a sparkly cardigan, and I still can’t get on board. We did learn last night that Lexie certainly shares Serena’s love of short hemlines. And, is it me, or did she look about 35? It wasn’t exactly a shock either to learn that she liked to sleep with guys on first dates, which she thinks is some kind of statement against men’s power (loved Serena asking, “Couldn’t she just vote?!”). Dim Dan was oddly taken with Aaron’s ex and invited her to the Snowflake Ball. The special party provided the locale for the debut of Dan Humphrey’s dance moves, which were about as painful as his writing. I think we can rule out go-go boy as a future employment for young Humphrey. I cannot believe Aaron didn’t even wear a tie to the Ball! If anyone knows the importance of accessories, it’s Serena. Speaking of which, she certainly brought her double-stick tape to the ball with that plunging neckline. Despite the uncomfortable cleavage, I still loved that dress. Serena gets my fashion MVP award of the night.
I like this new backstabbing Vanessa. Or as Penelope called her, “weird documentary girl.” But when did Nate and Vanessa get so hardcore? All of a sudden he’s calling her and they’re making out in the streets? Is she also some sort of weird coffee sorceress with latte-flavored love potions? Either way, she has him, which inspired Jenny to seek revenge in the form of a see-through dress. First of all, I did not enjoy that dress. It looked kinda cheap. Second, it looked nothing like anything Jenny designed before, which I think one of the girls actually said. Also, don’t you think Vanessa would look in a mirror before going out? To be fair, she might have had to grind some beans before leaving. In any case, Vanessa arrived at the ball in the shear gown and actually told Jenny, who was naturally dressed in villainous all black, that she was ending things with Nate. Jenny kinda, sorta tried to stop Vanessa from walking into the spotlight and pulling a full monty, but it was clear she wanted to see some tears from the “weird documentary girl.” I’m not the biggest fan of Vanessa (although I love, love, love Jessica Szohr), but I really felt bad for her when everyone stared at her lady parts. It was like the clichéd dream of going to school naked. Or kinda like the Carrie-pig blood scene revamped for our current celebutantes-caught-sans-panties culture. It certainly helps that Jenny is starting to look like she’s enrolled in the Fairuza Balk School of Witchcraft. As she watched Vanessa and Nate reconcile and waltz into the sunset, I half expected her to levitate and start invoking the spirit. It looks like Lady Humphrey may be returning to Constance Billard, solely to wreack havoc on Blair’s girl posse. That sounds like a story line I can support. One lingering question in regards to Jenny: Shouldn’t someone who’s home schooled at least be monitored or given lesson plans? I’m not sure rearranging old albums is gonna get her a diploma. Just sayin’.
NEXT: Dorota’s on Facebook!