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Gossip Girl recap: Hot for Teacher

Blair uses the power of Gossip Girl to take down the new teacher, taking out Serena and Dan in the process (though Dan winds up on top), and Chuck gets tangled up in some strange business

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Gossip Girl Carnal
Giovanni Rufino / The CW

Gossip Girl

TV Show
run date:
Josh Schwartz
Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Chace Crawford, Penn Badgley, Ed Westwick
Current Status:
Off Air

Can Dorota rake leaves in every episode? That image just made me smile. I also like envisioning her trying to pawn off Meez Blair’s bulldog on a homeless man with ”kind eyes.” Where was that scene?! Note to producers: There’s no such thing as too much Dorota. Now, Vanessa on the other hand…but I’ll get to Banana Pants in a little bit.

Gossip Girl has always been shocking and surprising (I can still watch the YouTube clip of Serena’s ”I killed someone!” revelation and get chills.). But never did I think I’d see the day when Constance Billard’s texting teens would have to ditch their cell phones. The horror! How will they manipulate and sabotage their fellow students? (Or as Hazel put it, ”Is a scandal still a scandal if you can’t text about it.”) The best result of the phone restrictions was that it brought out Espionage Dorota, which basically meant Dorota in designer shades. And moving cautiously, as if she was reenacting the Catherine Zeta-Jones laser scene in Entrapment. Pretty sure the Constance Billard ladies lavatory doesn’t have that kind of security, D.

Still, the cell phone coat check (which in true ridiculous GG fashion meant each phone got its own little velvet pouch) managed to push Blair and her cronies to the breaking point and create a nice little rumor about a romance between Ms. Carr and Dan Humphrey. And yet, I sort of wished that Blair’s revenge was a tad meaner. Is it possible I’m bitchier than Blair Waldorf? In a word: duh. Now, I’m not saying she should have gone all Tonya Harding on Ms. Carr, but something a little dastardlier would have been fun. One of my favorite moments was when Jenny came up to Dan in the courtyard to confront him and Dan made a comment about how he was thrilled Little J. no longer had raccoon eyes and looked like ”one of the Incredibles.” That wasn’t my original impression — I think I likened her more to a recovering meth addict and not a Disney character — but it works. Back to Rachel and Dan: The two do have undeniable chemistry, albeit sad, loser chemistry. Big surprise that Rachel often feels like an outsider. Here’s a little suggestion: makeup. And no more crying in cafes. And while we’re on the subject of cafes, what is this new joint that Dan and Ms. Carr keep visiting? It’s like he’s cheating on Vanessa’s place.

While I merely didn’t like Ms. Carr before, I now despise her. First of all, she totally turned into Professor McSluttyPants after she got fired and all but tackled Dan into bed. And my other reason is her apartment. How in God’s name does a woman from Iowa on a teacher’s salary have an New York apartment big enough for a dining room?! I was lucky my first apartment didn’t have the toilet next to the stove. You do not move to New York and have that as your first apartment. Although it’s possible she’s saved money over they years by not purchasing lipstick.

NEXT: Chuck’s walk on the wild(er) side