The taste of vomit in my mouth has finally abated enough for me to form coherent thoughts about last night’s Gossip Girl, but stay tuned for spontaneous gagging when we get to the part about naked Dan and Vanessa lost in a sea of burnt orange sheets. Gah! No, no, no. Let’s think happy thoughts: Blair’s beautiful museum dress (coveted item of the week!); Nate’s shoulders; hot men who use canes; the heartbreakingly earnest moment between our most beloved couple. Sigh. That’s better. Now that I’m in my happy place, let’s back up.
We returned to Paris where — much like Serena’s legs — things were closing up in preparation for the end of summer. But not before Blair could get a second chance to bag herself a Prince. No, not “Henry Prince.” Rather, Prince Louis, who had agreed to give see Blair once more, despite last week’s disaster of a date. As Blair took off to tour Paris like the proletariat, Serena got a call from her mother, who had received “upsetting” news from the Paris police: Chuck might be dead!
Mom-der-Woodsen showed her distress, of course, by pressing her fingers against her clavicle and saying she was upset, like any decent Mombot would do. But before she got really “upset” (or “upset” anyone else), she wanted Serena to go to the morgue and ID the body. Totally appropriate thing for a young girl to do on her lonesome. No problem.
We all watched last week, so it was no surprise that Chuck was alive and that the body was that of the Chuck-beating pickpocket. But the morgue scene did give us a chance to meet the Inspector, who spent the rest of the episode (along with Serena) acting out scenes from a bad foreign procedural. I kind of wish the morgue had been the name of a sex club, as Blair suggested.
Back on the Upper East, Nate was boring his stalker/spy/new blond Juliet to death with a story she likely already knew, but was nonetheless recapped out loud for viewers who might be new to the action. (Courteous showrunners!) Further proving my belief that Nate is ten times more interesting and capable when he’s slutty, he decided he didn’t want to make decisions anymore and handed over control to Juliet. She agreed to be his “life coach” for the next 24 hours to help him sort out the Dan/Serena situation.
Juliet’s goal was to get the boys’ minds off Serena, and she started by using Vanessa, telling the gullible little gnat that Dan had admitted to having lingering feelings. It was all a lie, of course. When Nate confronted Juliet about her morally questionable approach, Juliet claimed she was “not trying to ruin people’s lives,” which in classic Gossip Girl transparent foreshadowing means that the blazer-wearing bitch (term used lovingly) is trying to ruin people’s lives. But why?
Next: The most unflattering pants in Paris of all time, and the most gorgeous dress of the season!