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Gossip Girl season premiere recap: We'll Always Have Paris

Serena and Blair take over the City of Light — but where the heck is Chuck?

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Gossip Girl Belles
Giovanni Rufino/The CW

Gossip Girl

TV Show
run date:
Josh Schwartz
Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Chace Crawford, Penn Badgley, Ed Westwick
Current Status:
Off Air

It’s been a long summer Gossip Gang. And after three months of chronicling Big Brother, aka the show with the least fashionable people on TV, my eyes have never beheld a sight as sweet as the gorgeously lavish garments that were on tonight’s Gossip Girl. It was like coming home again — that is, if home is a place with baby daddies, man whores, new identities, and playful linguistic tricks that turn the ”g-i-n-a” in a person’s name into a play on the word ”vagina.” It’s great to be back. [Spoilers ahead.]

Welcome to Paris, where if you did not spend your summer being a vespa slut who paints nude men like you’re reenacting a scene in Titanic, your last name is clearly not van der Woodsen. And as usual, Serena was having enough fun for two, since Blair was still walking around with a ”Chuck-sized cloud” over her head. (To which my filthy mind replied, Really, how big IS Chuck? Help me.)

Back in New York, Nate was well on his way to finishing a book this summer — Chuck’s black book. He’d gotten all the way to ”V,” ”which stands for ‘vivid”’ and venereal. Dan, meanwhile, was foregoing human contact (and cutting his hair) in an effort to keep his and Georgina’s new baby a secret. He was doing a good job, too, until Rufus told Vanessa and her clogs to go check on Dan. That’s when she met little Milo. And let’s admit: He was a really cute baby…in a your-mom’s-a-lying-harlot sort of way.

The full scope of Georgina’s grand scheme is up in the air, but far from over, I assume. What we do know is that if Dan had in brains what he has in vacant stares, he would have had enough sense not to sign the rugrat’s birth certificate. We also know that despite her busy life, Georgina made time to learn an aggressive-sounding foreign language and (presumably) get into trouble that caused her to flee in the middle of the night, leaving Dan to play Mr. Mom. Upon reflection, I think watching Dan clean up vomit and diapers for a few episodes might make me feel vindicated enough to forgive him for the sex we had to watch him have last season.

Returning to Paris, we were led to believe Blair was wooing a royal she found in a museum. In case you’re keeping score, this would be the second royal she’s lured. Shopping ensued at places I’m not cool enough to pronounce or type correctly. But come date time (which had turned into a double by that time), Blair’s Prince tells her that he is, in fact, the driver to the royals. Serena, he said, would be going on the date with the prince. Cue: Screams of warning from everyone who has ever seen any movie about a privileged hot guy who wants a ”genuine” girl. HE WAS LYING! IT WAS OBVIOUS! If only we could have warned Blair via text not to be a bitch to the guy. Alas, Blair is Blair, and the date was doomed from the moment he opened the passenger seat door for her.

Speaking of doom, there’s nothing but bad news written all over Nate’s new squeeze Juliet (Katie Cassidy). Not only does the girl re-tag her clothes after wearing them so she can return them to the store (!), but she might be a stalker. At least, that’s what could be taken away from her wall of pictures and newspaper clippings of Nate, Serena, and Co. There’s nothing to NOT love about this whole situation. It’s time for a new crazy person in town, and Georgina’s pass to the party expired last season due to overaccessorizing.

NEXT: More great moments in catfight history!