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'Gossip Girl' recap: Hot for teacher

Blair uses the power of Gossip Girl to take down the new teacher, taking out Serena and Dan in the process (though Dan winds up on top), and Chuck gets tangled up in some strange business

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Gossip Girl
Giovanni Rufino / The CW

Gossip Girl

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
Pending
seasons:
4

Can Dorota rake leaves in every episode? That image just made me smile. I also like envisioning her trying to pawn off Meez Blair’s bulldog on a homeless man with ”kind eyes.” Where was that scene?! Note to producers: There’s no such thing as too much Dorota. Now, Vanessa on the other hand?but I’ll get to Banana Pants in a little bit.

Gossip Girl has always been shocking and surprising (I can still watch the YouTube clip of Serena’s ”I killed someone!” revelation and get chills.). But never did I think I’d see the day when Constance Billard’s texting teens would have to ditch their cell phones. The horror! How will they manipulate and sabotage their fellow students? (Or as Hazel put it, ”Is a scandal still a scandal if you can’t text about it.”) The best result of the phone restrictions was that it brought out Espionage Dorota, which basically meant Dorota in designer shades. And moving cautiously, as if she was reenacting the Catherine Zeta-Jones laser scene in Entrapment. Pretty sure the Constance Billard ladies lavatory doesn’t have that kind of security, D.

Still, the cell phone coat check (which in true ridiculous GG fashion meant each phone got its own little velvet pouch) managed to push Blair and her cronies to the breaking point and create a nice little rumor about a romance between Ms. Carr and Dan Humphrey. And yet, I sort of wished that Blair’s revenge was a tad meaner. Is it possible I’m bitchier than Blair Waldorf? In a word: duh. Now, I’m not saying she should have gone all Tonya Harding on Ms. Carr, but something a little dastardlier would have been fun. One of my favorite moments was when Jenny came up to Dan in the courtyard to confront him and Dan made a comment about how he was thrilled Little J. no longer had raccoon eyes and looked like ”one of the Incredibles.” That wasn’t my original impression — I think I likened her more to a recovering meth addict and not a Disney character — but it works. Back to Rachel and Dan: The two do have undeniable chemistry, albeit sad, loser chemistry. Big surprise that Rachel often feels like an outsider. Here’s a little suggestion: makeup. And no more crying in cafes. And while we’re on the subject of cafes, what is this new joint that Dan and Ms. Carr keep visiting? It’s like he’s cheating on Vanessa’s place.

While I merely didn’t like Ms. Carr before, I now despise her. First of all, she totally turned into Professor McSluttyPants after she got fired and all but tackled Dan into bed. And my other reason is her apartment. How in God’s name does a woman from Iowa on a teacher’s salary have an New York apartment big enough for a dining room?! I was lucky my first apartment didn’t have the toilet next to the stove. You do not move to New York and have that as your first apartment. Although it’s possible she’s saved money over they years by not purchasing lipstick.

NEXT: Chuck’s walk on the wild(er) side

Ooh, I loved Serena’s new coat that she wore in the first half of the episode. It was very Crucibleesque. Or maybe even an homage to the Revolutionary War. Very appropriate for this episode. But S. was kind of a drag last night. Lately it feels like every episode is just her getting annoyed with Dan. When they finally broke up for like the twelfth time at the end, I was relieved. Time to move on. Just please, Serena, no reconciliation with Aaron. You can’t put us all through that again. Date a guy whose hair is shiny because it’s healthy and not oozing petrol.

Somehow I doubt that no student has EVER complained about Gossip Girl to the headmistress at Constance Billard. Really? How wimpy is Nelly Yuki? The girl folds like a napkin. I can’t believe she actually turned in Blair. Now, I sorta want The Nelly Yuki Project to be re-initiated.

Chuck’s story line started out vaguely interesting in an Eyes Wide Shut-kind-of-way but then sort of became laughable. Does anyone actually have masquerade parties anymore with like ornate, feather-adorned masks? I think they only exist in Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. Plus, I’m just not sure I buy this incredibly hot nanny, Elle, turning into a high-class escort and holding orgies in her employer’s empty townhouse. Go somewhere a little more deserted and discreet, like a barn or a HoJo. Elle doesn’t exactly seem like the cleverest lady (this impression may simply be because her name reminds of me of Legally Blonde). But having a clandestine meeting with Chuck and explaining that she meant to seduce his father and not him — totally unbelievable. Bart’s funeral would have been all over the press and especially would have filtered through the rich society gossip grapevines. But I’m willing to be patient with this storyline. It has the potential to be juicy. But let’s just not go too far into the sordid sex life of Bart Bass.

Oh dear colorblind Vanessa. I’m never gonna like you if you keep insisting on wearing clothing from the Crazytown Mall, like last night’s yellow jeans. Also, I don’t want to ever again think about your kinky sexcapades with Nate. That is vomit in the mouth material. I’m certain there was some sort of scenario involving coffee filters and Biscotti. Also, I may be alone here but I would not be turned on if my boyfriend FedExed me some lingerie. I don’t want a delivery person handling my delicates. And yes I just referred to my collection of boxer-briefs as ”delicates.”

Lily had some major action in the last episode but was totally sidelined this week. I did think it was ridiculous that she wouldn’t take Rufus’ side at the parents meeting. Dan’s future could have been in jeopardy but she supported Blair? And Rufus was a big bore. Is anyone else noticing something happening with Rufus’ hair? Maybe I was just hallucinating from staring at Vanessa’s pants for too long.

Where in the world is Eleanor Waldorf? Are she and Cyrus on like a three-month honeymoon? Even Jenny has sorta been MIA in these last couple episodes and — this pains me a bit — I kinda miss the little whippersnapper.